Emma Barrow opens up about her battle with anorexia

A 26-year-old woman has spoken candidly about her darkest moments when she fell into the grips of anorexia after an excruciating eight-year battle.

Emma Barrow, from Victoria, was just one day away from death after she became consumed by the eating disorder – an illness that saw an obsession with calorie counting.

At the tender age of eight, she started developing signs of the crippling illness – and it wasn’t until she turned 16, she was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.

As her condition deteriorated, she restricted her diet next to nothing – and eventually, she could only see ‘numbers’ on her plate instead of food.

Speaking to Daily Mail Australia, the young woman revealed how she found the strength to overcome the condition that almost claimed her life.

Before and after: Emma Barrow, from Victoria, was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 16 

The 26-year-old revealed how she found the strength to overcome the crippling condition

The 26-year-old revealed how she found the strength to overcome the crippling condition

Photograph shows her emaciated body as she battled the eating disorder for eight years

Photograph shows her emaciated body as she battled the eating disorder for eight years

Looking at a plate of food, Emma said she would try and find anything to fault the dish in an effort to get out of eating it.

‘Overtime I was refusing to touch food with my hands and rejecting any sort of food with any perceived fault, such as a ‘black spec’ on it,’ she said. 

‘I went through a horrific time when I found faults with all cooking equipment such as cook wear, crockery and cutlery. I struggled to eat anything people I didn’t trust had prepared for me, including staff at a cafe or restaurant.

‘And not only was I now looking at food as something that needed to be perfect in order for me to be able to eat it, I was now seeing food as numbers.

‘Taste no longer mattered, the numbers had to be right and the food had to be perfect. I became obsessed with my weight and started learning about calories.’

The pressure to lose weight off her already thin frame spiralled out of control when she was a competitive dancer for most of her childhood.

‘I began restricting my intake to make sure I would fit into these costumes. I began secretly discarding my food in different ways,’ she said.

‘When competitions came around, I put on the costume. The skirt was several inches too big for me. The skirt had to be pulled and pinned several times just to fit. It looked ridiculous, but it was all that could be done at the time.

‘I was already thin, but I was convinced the costume had been made incorrectly. Regardless of my weight and shape, my mind was incredibly unhealthy.’ 

By telling her story, the 26-year-old wanted other sufferers to draw hope from her experience

By telling her story, the 26-year-old wanted other sufferers to draw hope from her experience

When she was admitted to hospital for the third time in 2012, by then, her healthy weight had dramatically dropped to a dangerously-low number

When she was admitted to hospital for the third time in 2012, by then, her healthy weight had dramatically dropped to a dangerously-low number.

‘I became so unwell, so fragile that at times I wasn’t even able to walk,’ she said. 

‘I crawled across my floor and could barely shower because standing was so difficult. I would need to rest on my bed after showering because it was so exhausting.’

She was rushed to the emergency room where she was connected to a feeding tube after doctors warned she was on the brink of death.

Doctors told me they were keeping me alive by squeezing bags of glucose into me. I asked them to tell me how many calories were going into me. I was just hysterical. I begged them to let me die

‘I remember doctors and nurses running around literally squeezing bags of glucose into me. I remember pleading with them to stop,’ she recalled.

‘I asked them to tell me how many calories were going into me and I was just hysterical. I just wanted them to stop putting glucose into me.

‘They told me they were keeping me alive by doing this. I told them to let me die. I begged them to let me die.’

After undergoing hours of tests and fluids, she was transferred to the medical ward for admission.

‘I remember seeing all the lights of the hospital flashing past my eyes as I was wheeled to the medical ward,’ she said.

‘I was in a haze. I was devastated I had been given so much glucose. [I felt] fat, disgusting and worthless. How could I let them do that to me?’

Emma was in a serious condition after she was found severely dehydrated and malnourished - and her liver and kidneys were rapidly deteriorating

Emma was in a serious condition after she was found severely dehydrated and malnourished – and her liver and kidneys were rapidly deteriorating

Emma was in a serious condition after she was found severely dehydrated and malnourished – and her liver and kidneys were rapidly deteriorating.

‘I was dying,’ she recalled.

‘I was told I would need to start eating but I refused. I told them ‘I would rather die than eat and gain weight. I truly believed it too.

‘It upsets me so much to think this eating disorder had such a grip on my mind that I truly preferred death over eating and gaining weight.’

Her desperate attempts to discharge from hospital were to no avail – and she even tried to run away but was too weak to move.

I was told I would need to start eating but I refused. I told the doctors I would rather die than eat

‘My Mum stayed so strong throughout the ordeal at the medical hospital,’ she said.

‘She dealt with my 4am calls when I was convinced the hospital staff were trying to make me fat. I demanded she come and get me and take me home. 

‘She said she spoke to the doctor and they were trying to keep me alive and that she would come and visit me during visiting hours but she could not take me home. 

‘I am appalled at the way I spoke to my Mum during this time. But it wasn’t me, it was my disorder.

‘As we drove from the hospital, I saw a stream of tears roll down her face. It hit me, I actually almost just died, I could still possibly die. I wanted to turn things around.’

Stealing the spotlight: Emma was a competitive dancer from the tender age of two – to 16

Her turning point came after she was in her discharge meeting when her psychiatrist mentioned she would be seeing her back in hospital in a few months time

Her turning point came after she was in her discharge meeting when her psychiatrist mentioned she would be seeing her back in hospital in a few months time

Emma said remember the struggled she endured when she tried to eat food the first time during the admission.

‘It took over an hour. Each step was an ordeal. I spent a long time even just opening the lid of the yoghurt. I took one teaspoon full for the day,’ she recalled. 

‘My nurse sat with me while I lay in bed trying to eat this spoonful of yoghurt. I spent the first week staying in bed the entire time as I was too unwell to go to the dining room for meals or groups for therapy.

I remember my first bite of food… It took over an hour. Each step was an ordeal. I spent a long time even just opening the lid of the yoghurt

‘I remember times where my feed [through the tube] was increased and I literally stopped breathing and started pulling out my hair in protest.

‘I started hiding my food in hospital and exercising using water bottles as weights in my room. My body was getting better, my mind was not.’

Her turning point came after she was in her discharge meeting when her psychiatrist mentioned she would be seeing her back in hospital in a few months time.

‘This hit me pretty hard because I did not want to return to hospital,’ she said. 

‘Even though I was engaging in behaviours, these were habitual and anxiety driven – they were difficult to stop. But I wanted to get better. I nearly died and now I wanted to live.’

For most of her childhood, Emma wanted to lose weight off her already thin frame to fit into costumes before hitting the stage as a competitive dancer

For most of her childhood, Emma wanted to lose weight off her already thin frame to fit into costumes before hitting the stage as a competitive dancer

The young woman said she started dancing at a very young age, which led to her anorexia

The young woman said she started dancing at a very young age, which led to her anorexia

Despite turning her life around five years ago, Emma admits she still sees food as a number.

‘And I struggle with dishes that are ‘mixed’ like a stir fry. I prefer my food to be separate and easily counted or weighed,’ she said.

‘It’s not a particularly healthy way of living but I am trying to erase years of disordered thinking and it is going to take time. 

‘I am working with a support team who oversee my intake of food and work with me to add variety and challenge some of the intrinsic behaviours.

I still see food as numbers and I struggle with dishes that are ‘mixed’ like a stir fry. I prefer my food to be separate and easily counted

‘Am I fully recovered? No. I have had an eating disorder since I was eight years old. That isn’t just going to go away. But am I managing? Absolutely. Am I living? Yes.’

Reflecting at an old photograph of herself when she was ill, Emma said she sees a ‘very sad girl who was trying so hard to cope with many traumatic events.

‘There is pain behind my eyes and smiles. I wasn’t really there, I wasn’t really me. Or at least, I didn’t have the ability to truly be me because I was exhausted, my mind was filled with screams of disapproval from my disorder. 

‘It wasn’t living, only existing and for a period of time, barely even existing.’

She was rushed to the emergency room where she was connected to a feeding tube after doctors warned she was on the brink of death

Now she sees a ‘body that has been transformed into a vessel that is capable of so many amazing things.

‘I am not my body, I am everything inside that makes me uniquely me. My body just allows me to make it all happen, it allows me to experience life,’ she said. 

‘That doesn’t change if my hips and thighs are bigger than they once were or if my arms wobble a bit more than they used to. 

I am not my body, I am everything inside that makes me uniquely me. My body just allows me to make it all happen, it allows me to experience life 

‘I am still me and I am still capable of achieving great things and making a difference through the work I do.’

She also praised her family for their tremendous support, including her doting mother who has been right by her side since day one.

‘She is my biggest supporter and has always seen the best in me throughout my entire life. She never blamed me or made me feel bad for the way I coped with life,’ Emma said.

‘I am lucky to have had such wonderful support from friends and family throughout this recovery journey. A journey that continues.’

She started developing signs of the eating disorder from the age of eight – and that led to an excruciating eight year battle 

By telling her story, Emma wanted other sufferers to draw hope from her experiences

By telling her story, Emma wanted other sufferers to draw hope from her experiences

By telling her story, the university student – who is studying youth work – wanted other sufferers to draw hope from her experiences.

‘There is a whole world out there waiting for you to grab it. Your identity is not your disorder. Your worth is not your disorder,’ she said. 

‘You can achieve so much but you have to let go of the disorder. It is holding you back. The disorder will beg and scream and hold on tight, but you can break free.

‘There is a better life for you. I know there is. I am living proof. Seek support where you can and engage with it as much as possible. Do not expect recovery to be perfect because it wont be.

‘It will up and down and side to side but don’t let that get you down. Recovery is a process and if you commit to it, you cant go wrong.’

For confidential support 24/7, please call LifeLine Australia on 13 11 14.

Read more at DailyMail.co.uk