MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Little Mix, the world’s biggest pop girl band, have released a naked photo of themselves, with insults painted all over their torsos including ‘slutty’, ‘ugly’, fat’, ‘weak’ and ‘stupid’.
As with all female stars who get their kit off these days, they claim this is an empowering and liberating feminist statement.
Of course, as I pointed out on Good Morning Britain, in reality it’s just a cynical deployment of nudity and sexualisation to flog their new record, Strip.
(It’s not even a new idea; the Dixie Chicks did the same thing in 2003 for Rolling Stone.)
‘I sensed the impertinent little madam isn’t used to people declining to take every word she says as the gospel according to Saint Ariana,’ writes Piers
This wouldn’t matter if they were appealing to an adult audience. But they’re not – Little Mix’s fans are impressionable young girls.
And as a father of a seven-year-old daughter myself, I don’t like them being sold a subliminal message that the only way to succeed in life is to take their clothes off.
It’s the same kind of disingenuous garbage the likes of Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratajkowski peddle as they post their ‘feminist’ topless selfies.
Little Mix say they also want to stamp out abusive language. To demonstrate this, one of them – Jesy Nelson – this afternoon called me a ‘silly tw*t’ on Radio 1.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20
I’ve been hammered for praising new I’m A Celebrity… presenter Holly Willoughby’s ‘sizzling legs’ in the jungle.
Obviously, I’d forgotten the new feminist rule that dictates no man can pay a woman an aesthetic compliment without being summarily beheaded – even if the woman in question is thrilled by the comment (Holly texted me from Australia to thank me).
Meanwhile, US chat-show star Ellen DeGeneres posted a montage of herself drooling over photos of semi-naked famous men – and was cheered for her ‘cheeky humour’ by the same women howling at me over Holly’s legs.
‘The hypocrisy of modern feminism laid bare,’ I declared.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21
‘Honestly, what is wrong with you, Piers Morgan?’ raged a woman named Joan Grande on Twitter.
(‘Where do I start?’ would be the honest answer…)
‘Didn’t your mother ever teach you, if you have nothing to say, don’t say it! Ellen is an angel. Little Mix… did you ever hear of paying homage?’
When I’d stopped laughing, I discovered Joan is pop superstar Ariana Grande’s mum.
‘My mother taught me to speak my mind and never be afraid to express an honestly held opinion,’ I replied.
‘Have her call me,’ Joan snapped back. (I’m quite tempted. My mother doesn’t take very kindly to people questioning her parenting skills…)
Then a new combatant entered the debate: Grande Junior. ‘Ellen is an incredible and kind human being,’ Ariana tweeted me. ‘I use my talent AND my sexuality all the time because I choose to. Women can be sexual AND talented, naked AND dignified. It’s OUR choice & we will keep fighting til people understand. I say this w all due respect but thank u, next.’
‘Hi Ariana!’ I responded. ‘Of course women can do what they like, but if they/you use nudity to sell their records to impressionable young female fans, I’ll continue to call them/you out on it. All due respect but thank YOU. Next…’
She wasn’t finished. ‘Also, Piers Morgan, I look forward to the day you realise there are other ways to go about making yourself relevant than to criticize young, beautiful successful women. I think that’ll be a beautiful thing for you and your career, or what’s left of it.’
Ooh, get her!
I sensed the impertinent little madam isn’t used to people declining to take every word she says as the gospel according to Saint Ariana. ‘Now now, young lady,’ I responded, ‘my career’s doing just fine thanks. For the record, I criticise/praise everyone – male, female, gender-fluid. Indeed, I’ve written columns praising and criticising you, and you deserved both.’
Ariana then tweeted a spoof advert I once did for Burger King, in which I lay by a fire like Burt Reynolds in a loincloth and medallion to promote a fake beef-scented aftershave.
‘When you do it, it’s ok tho, right?’ she sneered.
‘Is that your screensaver?’ I asked.
‘Nah,’ she snapped. ‘And it ain’t ur girls’ either, I can promise u that.’
(Fact check: true.)
Ricky Gervais was loving the feud. ‘This is like 2Pac and Biggie all over again!’ he exclaimed.
My eldest son Spencer, 25 – a big fan of Ms Grande – wasn’t so happy: ‘Ahh, FFS,’ he tweeted, ‘there go my chances.’
‘I don’t think it was exactly a home run before I got involved,’ I observed.
Meanwhile, as I trended worldwide, Ariana and Ellen had social-media sex with each other. ‘I love you, Ariana Grande,’ gushed Ellen, the queen of unctuous sycophantic insincerity, ‘and everyone in this world who celebrates all people inclusively.’
‘Me too,’ gushed Ariana back, ‘we’re so much stronger together! Love u.’
‘Can you guys get a room?’ I suggested. ‘This is nauseating.’
On cue, the ghastly Chrissy ‘I’m a Legend’s wife!’ Teigen piped up: ‘Every time someone mentions Piers, his d*** gets another power boil and his nips cry tears of joy.’
I laughed, but can you imagine the outrage if I had tweeted a similar comment to her?
‘Thanks Chrissy,’ I replied. ‘Unfortunately, coming from you it’s had the complete opposite effect.’
Perhaps the final word should go to Mike Stock, one third of the legendary Stock, Aitken and Waterman pop producer trio, who said simply: ‘The freedom about which they all speak is also a freedom to restrain from sexual exploitation. Some artists need to consider the effect of their decisions upon young impressionable minds.’
Exactly.