SUNDAY, MARCH 4
Sad to hear Sir Roger Bannister has died. I met him several years ago at a party and he was remarkably modest about his historic sub-four-minute-mile achievement. ‘Do you ever get bored of talking about it?’ I asked.
‘No, no, I remain very proud of it,’ he replied. ‘But I only ran for seven years. I’m much prouder of my work in neurology, to which I devoted the next 50 years of my life.’
He then revealed his favourite motivational quote: ‘Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running!’
I’d take Amber Rudd as PM any time – she’s a smart cookie with a good sense of humour who exudes a reassuring air of self-confident authority
MONDAY, MARCH 5
‘Would you be interviewed by Amber Rudd?’ I was asked recently.
‘No,’ I thought (I’ve skewered her a few times on air), but then I was told it was for a Cancer Research UK event at Bafta, where politicians grill journalists, so said ‘Yes’.
As we were being mic’d up, I whispered: ‘Remember, Home Secretary, if you go nuclear on me, it won’t be pretty – I’ll be Donald Trump to your Kim Jong Un…’ She smiled. ‘Relax, Piers… you sound nervous?’
We were introduced, jokily, as ‘Rudd Morgan, which sounds like a firm of accountants’, and sat down in front of an audience that included my ITV breakfast show predecessors Eamonn Holmes and Anthea Turner – now reconciled after an infamous falling out. ‘Piers,’ Ms Rudd began, ‘why are you so… rude?’
‘I’m not, I’m just opinionated,’ I replied, to a cacophony of incredulous jeers.
‘Don’t you care that this makes you unpopular?’
‘Home Secretary, with great respect, you’ve got a majority of just 346 in your constituency, and your Government is clinging on for dear life, so I don’t think you’re in any position to lecture me on popularity!’
When the subject turned to feminism, I observed: ‘The five most powerful people in Britain are female – the Queen, Prime Minister, you, First Minister of Scotland and…’
‘And Susanna Reid!’ bellowed Eamonn, to a huge cheer.
After an amusing non-nuclear grilling, questions went to the floor and one lady asked me about Arsenal’s beleaguered manager Arsène Wenger.
‘It’s like a once great marriage that’s gone horribly wrong,’ I replied. ‘You know, where after eight years of great sex, your wife suddenly stops putting out for the next 14 and you know you have to divorce.’
Ms Rudd’s lips pursed disapprovingly at this non-PC analogy. ‘What’s your problem with him?’ she asked.
‘He doesn’t know when to quit,’ I explained. ‘He’s the Theresa May of football!’
Ms Rudd’s inscrutable face never flickered.
People say the only reason May is still in her job, as with Wenger, is because there’s no viable alternative.
In both cases this is nonsense.
I’d take Amber Rudd as PM any time – she’s a smart cookie with a good sense of humour who exudes a reassuring air of self-confident authority.
In fact, I’d even take her as Arsenal manager.
TUESDAY, MARCH 6
My Life Stories interview with Pamela Anderson on Saturday night seemed to go down well with everyone… well, nearly everyone. As I sat in my Good Morning Britain dressing room at 5.30am, I received a tweet from her ex-husband, Mötley Crüe rocker Tommy Lee, branding it ‘pathetic’.
His fury had been sparked by Pamela talking about a shameful episode in their marriage during which Lee was jailed for attacking her. ‘Think she’d find something new to discuss instead of rehashing old s***,’ Tommy wrote in his tweet, ‘but I guess she has nothing else going on & needs attention. Signed “The Abuser” (who she texts every day & asks for me back).’ Wow.
‘Morning Tommy!’ I replied. ‘I’m not responsible for what Pamela told me about your marriage so I suggest you take it up with her.’
‘I suggest you don’t interview her,’ he fired back. ‘Are you that desperate? She literally has nothing going on so she brings up old drama for attention. I’m tired of hearing the same old bulls***. F****** broken record.’
‘Fair enough,’ I replied. Then for some inexplicable reason, possibly linked to lack of sleep, I quipped: ‘Talking of broken records, when’s your next album out?’
Lee, 55, a legendary brawler, wasn’t amused. ‘I don’t know if you’re joking or not but for your sake I hope you are.’
Gulp.
After that, he suddenly went ominously quiet.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7
I discovered why Tommy Lee went silent on me. His son Brandon, 21, who was staying with him, had been reading our exchange and was so enraged by the slurs against his mother that he ran into Tommy’s bedroom and punched him unconscious.
The police were called and Tommy was treated for a bust lip – a photo of which he then posted on Twitter with the caption: ‘My heart is broken. You can give your kids everything they want and they can still turn against you.’
Brandon blamed ‘my father’s alcoholism’ for the incident, to which Tommy retorted: ‘I have a few drinks here and there because I’m f****** retired and enjoying my life. I deserve it! You’re just covering your a**.’
Pamela responded by declaring ‘Alcoholism is the devil’ and said Brandon ‘punched him in the nose for all of us who he has hurt’.
All very messy.
I didn’t think any Life Stories show could spark more familial fallout than the recent Kim Cattrall one in which she attacked her Sex And The City colleague Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was wrong.