TUESDAY, JANUARY 30
Frank Skinner appeared with Joan Bakewell on Good Morning Britain to discuss their Sky Arts show Landscape Artist Of The Year, and we ended up having a very random conversation about cricket.
‘Sorry we drifted off topic,’ I said afterwards.
‘No problem!’ Frank chuckled. ‘I warned Joan you’re a bit unpredictable and would probably end up demanding to know what we were going to do about mass murder up the Congo, so I think we got away lightly.’
‘I was delighted to hear Liam Gallagher spring to my defence on the night, albeit by mocking his brother,’ writes Piers Morgan
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Jeremy Kyle stood in for me on GMB today (I’m filming in America) and media reports claimed he incensed viewers by being ‘rude’ and ‘patronising’, ‘interrupting too much’ and ‘shouting’.
Tut tut, Jezza.
Thank goodness I’ll be back at the helm again soon to bring some calm, quiet, respectful dignity to proceedings!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14
I was asked on to top-rated US morning show The Talk, so decided to give each of the five female panellists a red rose for Valentine’s Day.
The other guest was irritatingly handsome movie heart-throb Josh Hartnett, and his entourage freaked out when they spied me backstage with my romantic gift.
Of course, I exploited their panic by gloating on air: ‘Ladies, you won’t be getting anything like this from Mr Hartnett, we Brits know how to treat a woman…’
They cooed, the audience cheered, and I bounced off set feeling like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind.
Then I bumped into a smirking Hartnett, with the biggest teddy bear I’ve seen in my entire life.
‘Hi Piers,’ he winked, hugging his bear which towered over both of us and was festooned with red heart ribbons.
‘You b*****d!’ I exclaimed.
‘It’s never over until it’s over,’ he chortled.
Hartnett walked out with his bear, the ladies and crowd duly went absolutely nuts, and when they finally stopped shrieking, he stuck the last fatal blade into my wounded ego: ‘I heard some British guy throwing me some shade but he only bought you grocery store roses…’
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15
NME has made me its ‘Villain of the Year’ – beating Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, Jeremy Hunt and someone called Katie Hopkins.
Now, I don’t win many awards, so I feel duly humbled, particularly given the rare quality of my fellow nominees’ work over the past 12 months.
And I was delighted to hear Liam Gallagher spring to my defence on the night, albeit by mocking his brother.
Asked on the red carpet to name HIS villain of the year, the Oasis star replied: ‘Gotta be Noel. I’m being serious. You’re laughing, but he’s worse than Kim Jon-f***ing Tung or whatever he’s called. And he’s worse than Donald Trump. He’s the biggest liar and faker in the business, so yeah, him.’
Then he paused for full dramatic effect, before declaring: ‘He’s worse than Piers Morgan as well.’
Meanwhile, Heat magazine named me again on its annual ‘Weird Crush’ list.
Its message to readers read: ‘We invited you to access the recesses of your pervy minds and unashamedly tell us which non-traditionally good-looking celebrities you’re currently lusting after. Turns out, once you’d switched on the tap of acquired-taste totty, you couldn’t stop. Here are the unusual studs floating your boats, no dribbling at the back…’
I was 17th, a significant improvement on last year.
‘Moving up from last year’s 25th spot,’ Heat explained in its citation, ‘it’s officially weirder than ever to fancy Piers, which might have something to do with THAT Trump interview.’
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16
The sickening school shooting in Florida this week has prompted the usual Groundhog Day round of ‘thoughts and prayers’ nonsense in gun-crazed America.
I’ve lived and worked in the States on and off for 12 years and the increasing ferocity of massacres like this is only matched by the increasing ferocity of many Americans against anyone who tries to tell them to give up their firearms.
Sadly, shamefully, I can’t see this horrific cultural flaw in a country I otherwise love changing any time soon.
Today, a friend of mine was driving near the scene of this latest carnage and spotted by the side of a road a US flag lowered to half-mast as a mark of respect.
Next to it was an advertisement sign for an upcoming gun show.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Britain experienced its biggest earthquake in a decade today, measuring 4.4 on the Richter scale.
I’m in Los Angeles, where quakes are an even bigger threat than guns.
In fact, the city was also rocked by one this morning, only 2.9 in magnitude, but still big enough for me to feel it at my Beverly Hills home.
There have been 440 in the past year alone – far more than normal – and scientists fear the city is in the same ‘state of hazard’ as it was immediately prior to the last Big One (6.7) in 1994 that killed dozens, injured more than 8,000, and caused massive structural damage.
Even more worryingly, the perilous San Andreas Fault line that’s causing most concern is now believed to extend directly underneath Beverly Hills.
Fortunately, my US team know what to prioritise in such an eventuality if I’m out of the country. ‘We had a earthquake last night,’ my LA assistant emailed me after one recent quake. ‘I was actually there and heard all your wine bottles shaking… but don’t worry, I stopped any from breaking.’