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The Apprentice: Karren Brady on ‘worst pitch in history’

The Apprentice remains the TV equivalent of Mae West: when it’s good it’s very good. But when it’s bad it’s better.

Nine weeks into the ‘process’ and the candidates were still more adept at squabbling, showing off, and stabbing each other in the back than anything to do with business acumen.

If anything their ideas for product names, packaging, and profitability have just become either more mundane or more bizarre.

 

Hard viewing: One team meanwhile delivered arguably the worst pitch in the series’ long history of catastrophes. ‘Toe-curling !’ Karren Brady summarised with sneering simplicity‘

One team meanwhile delivered arguably the worst pitch in the series’ long history of catastrophes.

‘Toe-curling !’ Karren Brady summarised with sneering simplicity. ‘Fantastic!’ viewers cheered.

Lord Sugar’s task concerning ‘the latest innovation in the food market’ made for a classic episode.

It required the teams to create, brand, and design a ‘recipe kit’ – a box containing all the ingredients with which your everyday shopper could knock up ‘an exciting dish’ – then give a live cooking demonstration to an audience of experts. What could possibly go wrong?!

Oh dear: The teams to create, brand, and design a ‘recipe kit’ and then give a live cooking demonstration to an audience of experts

Horrified: ‘It was very, very, poor management. Honestly, it was a disgrace!’ Claude Littner agreed eagerly

Answer (of course): plenty. ‘Your pitch was terrible and your food tasted bad!’

‘It was very, very, poor management. Honestly, it was a disgrace!’ Claude Littner agreed eagerly.

And this was about the winners! Vitality triumphed despite Harrison’s leadership and the fact they had Joanna in their team.

Incredibly the sulking, stroppy, young Mancunian was still sailing on her merry way towards the chance of scooping Lord Sugar’s 250, 000 investment despite two months of constant belligerence.

Congratulations: Vitality triumphed despite Harrison’s leadership and the fact they had Joanna in their team

Oh dear: Vitality’s effort was clearly superior to Graphene’s, but still obviously appalling

‘I’d rather just keep out of the way of Jade in the future because the dynamic between us just doesn’t work,’ she said during the team’s celebrations. That’s the spirit !

Vitality’s effort was clearly superior to Graphene’s, but still obviously appalling.

Harrison had enthusiastically insisted the concept for their recipe kit should be ‘healthy food’ (‘not just your body but your mind will benefit from it’) then allowed Michaela to persuade him the actual meal would be…a chicken curry.

‘23 million curries are eaten every week. If we can incorporate healthy ingredients into it then that’s going to be massively appealing!’ Harrison explained to Lord Sugar, over-looking the fact they hadn’t done that.

Hmm: Harrison had enthusiastically insisted the concept for their recipe kit should be ‘healthy food’ (‘not just your body but your mind will benefit from it’) then allowed Michaela to persuade him the actual meal would be…a chicken curry

Interesting: Harrison had also left the branding and packaging in the hands of Jade and Joanna and allowed them to come up with the name Natrofuel

‘There’s not a vegetable in sight!’ Claude Littner scoffed. Harrison had also left the branding and packaging in the hands of Jade and Joanna and allowed them to come up with the name Natrofuel.

‘It sounds like something you put in a hybrid car!’ spluttered Sugar. ‘What’s that got to do with chicken curry?!’

The packaging consisted of a plain brown box with no list of ingredients, no photo of the meal, or mention of the meal.

‘It doesn’t tell the customer what they’re purchasing!’ an expert pointed out.

Graphene’s recipe kit (for salmon risotto) was not great but it did have some merits. You knew it was something to do with food for a start.

Livid: ‘It sounds like something you put in a hybrid car!’ spluttered Sugar. ‘What’s that got to do with chicken curry?!’

Minimal: The packaging consisted of a plain brown box with no list of ingredients, no photo of the meal, or mention of the meal

For reasons best known to herself Sarah the Project Manager had insisted on the name ‘Gourmet Crusaders’, despite the obvious (negative) connotations with armies and fighting.

‘To crusade means to stomp around, to travel, to explore,’ she reaffirmed, over-ruling Bushra’s protestations/advice.

Graphene managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory though with their pitch which was even more of a dog’s dinner than anything in last week’s canine training/grooming task.

‘So cringe-worthy it was unbelievable !’ lamented Lord Sugar. ‘Toe curlingly bad…’ muttered Karren Brady.

To be fair, it wasn’t that good. Sarah froze and let Elizabeth, James, and Bushra forget they were meant to be pitching their product to an audience of industry experts and instead gave an extended cookery lesson fit for CBeebies.

Creative: Graphene’s recipe kit (for salmon risotto) was not great but it did have some merits. You knew it was something to do with food for a start

Catchy: For reasons best known to herself Sarah the Project Manager had insisted on the name ‘Gourmet Crusaders’, despite the obvious (negative) connotations with armies and fighting

Elizabeth burnt the salmon while James and Bushra exchanged excruciating banter whilst wearing ridiculous ‘salt’ and ‘pepper’ costumes.

‘I’d say I’m the pretty one !’ winked James. Ew… Bushra’s attempt to charm the crowd was, well, strange…

‘We are on a mission to bring gourmet food to a mass market !’ she purred to the audience. ‘We would love to have Captain Gourmet himself here today but unfortunately Donald Trump called him over !’

The silence was deafening, and horrible. ‘Tumbleweed’ didn’t cover it.

Who was ‘Captain Gourmet’? And what did he/it have to do with Donald Trump? Even Bushra didn’t know.

‘I took a risk. I’m not a funny person. I was wearing a pepper outfit…’ she tried to defend herself in the boardroom. ‘It wasn’t funny and it wasn’t engaging!’ carped Karren Brady.

Bizarre: Bushra’s attempt to charm the crowd was, well, strange… ‘We are on a mission to bring gourmet food to a mass market !’ she purred to the audience

Tense: ‘I took a risk. I’m not a funny person. I was wearing a pepper outfit…’ she tried to defend herself in the boardroom. ‘It wasn’t funny and it wasn’t engaging!’ carped Karren Brady

Neither are you… Sugar was so savage he told James ‘man up sunshine!’ even though he wasn’t facing elimination.

‘Elizabeth you’re impossible to control!’ Sugar lambasted the florist entrepreneur. ‘You’re like a giant hogweed!’ ‘Sarah you just didn’t get it!’ Pretty damning for someone who worked in the food industry.

‘Bushra, I’m a big believer in there’s no smoke without fire,’ he said about her colleagues’ accusations that she sat on the fence. ‘I don’t think you’ve done much in these last nine weeks so you’re fired!’

Even the mild-mannered Sarah had raged to Bushra: ‘take the splinters out of your backside and make your mind up!’

‘Sarah threw me under the bus,’ Bushra complained in the taxi home. ‘I did see that I was one of her biggest threats in this competition.’

It was the classic loser’s strategy: ‘I lost because I was TOO good.’ Let’s hope she doesn’t take up stand-up comedy. 

It’s over: ‘Bushra, I’m a big believer in there’s no smoke without fire,’ Alan said. ‘I don’t think you’ve done much in these last nine weeks so you’re fired!’

Not happy: ‘Sarah threw me under the bus,’ Bushra complained in the taxi home. ‘I did see that I was one of her biggest threats in this competition’

These were the 10 dumbest moments from the rest of this week’s episode: 

1. Bushra’s umlauts

Bushra had already given the packaging for Graphene’s salmon risotto with a stamp branding it ‘Made In Italy’ (even though it wasn’t). Wanting to add (German) umlauts over the letter ‘o’ in the name ‘Gourmet Crusaders’ and a (French) accent to the ‘e’ was just greedy. And deluded…

Shoppers would think: ‘ooh it is gourmet !’ she suggested.

‘My concern would be if it’s wrong…’ Sarah the Project Manager rejected it. Quite.

2. Jade’s optimism

‘I like to think I’ll come up with an idea and you’ll bounce it back at me and I’ll bounce it back at you,’ Vitality’s sub-team leader Jade suggested.

With Joanna?! Good luck with that. Anyone who could manage that would deserve the 250, 000 investment.

3. Joanna’s persistence

‘Can I actually just speak?’

Can anyone stop you?

4. Joanna’s big idea

‘How about Root Flavours?’

Joanna’s name for the brand making their chicken curry recipe – not really ‘root-based’!

5. Joanna’s courage

‘I have never ever had to bite my tongue as I just had to in that room,’ the mardy Mancunian said after her relentless bickering with Jade. What would she have been like if she hadn’t?!

6. Joanna’s outfit

‘I’m going to address the elephant in the room. Yes I am dressed in a green pea suit. Although this dish doesn’t have peas in it.’ Or any vegetables in Vitality’s healthy chicken curry recipe…

7. Michaela’s thickness

‘Put ‘add yoghurt to desired thickness’… But word that so it doesn’t sound stupid !’

Nice try!

8. Michaela’s victory celebrations

‘Oh have we won?’ Michaela asked Lord Sugar after he announced the score was 12-10 to Vitality and told them: ‘so you won.’

Wasn’t that clear enough?

9. James’ erudition

‘I think Bushra just says stuff for the sake of saying something !’

Unlike the great philosopher’s own articulate, incisive, vocabulary…

10. Karren Brady’s outfit

Lord Sugar briefed the candidates with Karren Brady flanking him wearing a pink trousers – clearly a reflection of her bright, perky, personality… 



Read more at DailyMail.co.uk


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