My fiancé goes to bed each night blissfully unaware I dream of sex with other women. He wants to marry me – but the truth will shatter his heart

I sat in the middle of our bed waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work, fiddling with my delicate gold necklace he bought me last Christmas.

I love Mark*, he’s everything I want in a partner – kind, thoughtful, handsome, and he always puts me first. But during the entire time we’ve been together, I’ve found myself thinking of women sexually in a way that feels exciting and confusing.

This hasn’t happened overnight; it’s a reoccurring thought I had for years before we met, ever since I was a teen. A sexual fantasy that’s never turned into a reality. 

I’ve always dated men but have been curious about what it’d be like with a woman for as long as I can remember. Yes, I’ve kissed girls at parties or when I’m drunk – who hasn’t? – but never had proper sex with a woman. Now it’s all I think about.

Mark goes to bed each night blissfully unaware how my dreams are about sleeping with women. Even when we have sex my mind drifts to women’s soft bodies or being the ‘masculine’ one in bed – only for his grunts to snap me back to reality.

After four years together, Mark wants to propose – we bought a ring together and we’ve researched wedding venues. But I can’t stop thinking about women and I fear it’s more than mere curiosity. How can I marry a man if I’m a lesbian?

Mark knows nothing about this side of my sexuality, but as our relationship becomes more serious, I have a sinking feeling I’m on autopilot flying into disaster.

Sometimes I picture the utter devastation on Mark’s face if I were to tell him how I feel. Would he think he’s not enough for me? That’d he’d ‘turned’ me? Or that he was less of a man. It would be nonsense, of course: he’s perfect in every way.

Last month, we went engagement ring shopping. Sitting beside the love of my life and best friend in a boutique jewellery store in Adelaide, I stared down at a cabinet full of divine rings.

I was gazing at my own reflection in the glass as a sales assistant was asking me questions but I zoned out.

‘Sorry, what?’ I replied with a blank face. 

She repeated and asked me if any of the rings ‘spoke to me’. I had no such feeling. We went home and I told him which styles were my favourite, a convincing fake smile plastered on my face.

You probably want to know about Mark and I. You might be wondering how we can have a proper relationship even though I’m convinced I might be gay. The truth is, the two of us are perfect together in so many ways.

We met on a dating app and are now in our late 20s. We’ve never had any issues and, yes, our sex is amazing. We both want children one day, too.

We moved in together after a year and bought a dachshund. So far, so straight.

But now, three years into cohabiting, I am worrying that I’ve only dated men like Mark because that’s what I’m ‘supposed to do’. Even though I’ve found women attractive for years, because I’ve never been physical with one, I slapped the ‘heterosexual’ label on myself without ever seriously thinking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a blood test and have someone qualified tell me all the answers about my sexuality. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

The author admits she would drop her devoted boyfriend in a heartbeat if given the chance to spend an evening with a gorgeous woman like Sydney Sweeney (left) or Dua Lipa (right)  

When I was younger I remember googling ‘am I a lesbian?’ and completing an online quiz. It said I might be, but I didn’t think much of it then. Perhaps I should have.

All I know is that if a woman who looked like Sydney Sweeney or Dua Lipa wanted one night alone in a hotel room with me, I would drop Mark in a heartbeat.

Now I know what you’re thinking – why didn’t I experiment with the opposite sex when I was younger? Though hand on heart, I wish I did.

But there was always something stopping me. Maybe it was being a tomboy as a child, which encouraged the mindset that being slightly more masculine than the average girl was just a personality type and not reflective of any sexual preference.

Three years into cohabiting, the author worries that she’s only dated men like her boyfriend Mark because that’s what I’m ‘supposed to do’ (photo posed by models)

In my early 20s, I also discovered my father would’ve been disappointed if I brought home a girlfriend, which has stayed with me ever since.

But nowadays the thing that’s stopping me from exploring my feelings is Mark. I just can’t think of a way to explain myself to him without smashing his heart to pieces.

And what if I’m wrong? What if I’m not a lesbian and I throw away everything I have with Mark over a sexual fantasy? 

We’ve picked out an engagement ring together – yes, it’s a non-traditional way of doing it – and now it’s just a matter of time before Mark asks me to marry him.

We’ve agreed for him to wait a while between buying the ring and proposing, but now several weeks have passed and he could pop the question any minute.

Part of me can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. The other part of me is dreading it.

• As told to Carina Stathis. *Names have been changed

Australian dating coach Debbie Rivers recommends being honest if you have second thoughts about your sexual orientation in a long-term relationship.

Australian relationship coach Debbie Rivers shared her expertise on the dilemma

‘Yes you should talk to your partner about this. Honesty and openness are the foundation of a healthy relationship,’ Ms Rivers tells FEMAIL. 

‘You may be confused about what the fantasies mean and where they may lead you. Keeping the thoughts to yourself can lead to your partner feeling betrayed by you as they have no idea what you are thinking and feeling.’

Ms Rivers has a six-step guide on how to handle the conversation.

1. Practise self-compassion

Acknowledge your feelings and anxieties. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel nervous. Practise self-compassion by speaking to yourself kindly before having that difficult conversation with your partner or spouse.

2. Write it down

Putting your thoughts and feelings into writing can help you organise your thoughts and express yourself more clearly. You can use this written piece as a reference during your conversation.

3. Start small

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, start with smaller conversations about your feelings and desires. Gradually build up to the main topic.

4. Choose your words carefully

Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing your partner. Your partner may feel like it is them and there is something wrong with them that you are having these thoughts.

Avoid coming across as confrontational by avoiding phrases like, ‘You’re not understanding,’ and instead saying, ‘I feel misunderstood when…’

5. Be patient and understanding

Your partner may need time to process the information. Be patient and avoid rushing them into a decision.

6. Get support

Talk to a trusted friend, family member or therapist about your feelings. Remember, the most important thing is to be honest and open with your partner.

By approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you can navigate this situation together.