Q I am an 80-year-old man and my life is dreadful at the moment. I feel terribly lonely after losing my second great love. My wife died in 2016. We had been very happy together for 55 years and I was devastated. I was lucky to then meet a new lady in 2018.
I sold my house and downsized to move in with her, and for six years we had a wonderful time. We did everything together – went on holidays, cruises and lived to the full. However, early this year she became very ill and I looked after her for six months until she passed away. I know I have been fortunate to have shared nearly 60 years with such lovely ladies, but now my life feels very empty.
I have joined grief support groups and ones like U3A, but I admit I would like someone to share my remaining years with. My son and daughter (in their late 50s) visit occasionally, but they have busy lives and I do not want to be a burden. Am I being greedy in asking for more or should I settle now at my age for a life on my own?
A I am so sorry you have lost first your wife and now your partner and that life feels empty. I don’t think you are being greedy to want someone with whom to share your remaining years. When a beloved partner dies, some see it as a betrayal if the surviving partner finds a new love. However, it is often because someone has been so happy that they feel the need to be in a new relationship. They know about the comfort, companionship and support it can bring and are bereft without it. I suspect this was true after your first loss and is equally true after your second. I’m sure it was also tiring and distressing looking after your second partner and that this has contributed to your grief.
Sadly, it may not be realistic to meet someone new. Of course, if you did, it might also soon bring heartbreak again for you or your partner. But even though you are taking steps to make friends and keep busy – both of which are important – you are lonely, and this needs addressing. Some people simply don’t like living alone and, as you haven’t since your early 20s, you might need more permanent companionship.
Perhaps consider a scheme such as those run by Homeshare (homeshare.org) or Supportmatch (supportmatch.co.uk), where you offer affordable or free accommodation to a young person in return for companionship and help around the house. It is also possible that caring for a pet in your home might bring comfort. A retirement community could also be considered. Please persist with grief counselling to explore these options. I do hope you are able to spend Christmas with one of your children and that life will gradually seem more bearable.
I FEEL FORCED TO ATTEND THE OFFICE PARTY
Q My office Christmas party is in two weeks and I am dreading it. I work for a small firm and I like my colleagues well enough. However, even though I’m a woman in my late 40s, I’m shy – you might even say socially awkward. My role is mostly computer based and usually I can keep my head down and get on with my work, which is how I like it.
Unfortunately, we have a new boss and she is young, confident and, to be honest, a bit brash. She is insisting we all go, as she says it will be good for team morale, but I know that she will want everyone up on the dancefloor. I am so anxious that I am contemplating being ‘off sick’, but I don’t think I would be comfortable with the deception.
A I feel for you. It is difficult when someone thinks that their idea of a good time – drinking, dancing, getting loud – equates to everyone else’s, whereas this sort of event sounds like torture for you. It is particularly hard as she is your boss. Unfortunately, owing to your shyness, you might also find it difficult to be assertive and say it just isn’t your sort of thing.
Diplomatically, you may have to at least attend for a bit. If you do, subtly try to avoid alcohol, as that would lower your resistance to putting your own needs first and declining the dancing. As long as you are there at the start of the evening, your boss probably won’t remember if you leave early. Or you could tell a white lie about needing to be somewhere else. Have you ever considered counselling to help you work on your self-esteem? You sound highly intelligent and sensitive, but perhaps don’t value yourself as you should. See bacp.co.uk.
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