An affair recovery coach has revealed why people cheat – while offering tips to couples on how they can rekindle a relationship that has been rocked by infidelity by seeking ‘addiction help’.
Rece Davies, 43, from Central Valley, California, claims an affair is ‘an addiction’ and says people are unfaithful as a ‘form of escapism’ or as a ‘pain pill’.
After having her own six-month affair in 2020 and seeking treatment, Rece decided to become a coach and help both the ‘betrayer and the betrayed’.
During her affair, Rece admitted she ‘turned into a completely different person’ and soon discovered that ‘cheating is an issue within the cheater’.
Rece had started behaving differently and dealt with the issues that had made her cheat in the first place soon realized she and her partner needed to get back on track.
Rece said: ‘I ended up in a really dark spot and had an affair.
Rece Davies, 43, an affair recovery coach, from California, revealed why people cheat and how couples can rekindle, despite infidelity with ‘addiction help’
She claims an affair is ‘an addiction’ and says people are unfaithful as a ‘form of escapism’ or as a ‘pain pill’
‘Through my experience, I have been able to learn, and research. I found out a lot of truths that I had no clue about before.
‘I discovered that so many affairs are exactly the same – even though the stories might start differently. They all follow very similar patterns, and we end up lying to ourselves.
‘We believe the lies we tell and when you realize that so many of them are the same story – you just want to help people wake up to the truth of it.’
Rece has been with her husband for 19 years, married for 17, and reconciled after her affair.
The secret to overcoming infidelity? Rece’s top tips to help you leave an affair
- Find the root cause of why you are having an affair
- Make a list of all the bad the affair has done
- Speak to your partner about why you began the affair
- Remember who you were before the affair
- Seek addiction help and most importantly
- Have no contact with the affair partner
The affair ended after Rece and her husband dealt with the issues that they were suppressing and she says they are now ‘happier than ever’ and ‘in a much healthier place’.
Rece said that so many affairs start because people are in need of ‘an escape’ or a ‘pain pill’ to help them cope with hardships that they are facing – such as a death in the family, an illness or a high-stress job coupled with issues in their relationship.
In her role, Rece supports both ‘the betrayers and the betrayed’ when it comes to affairs.
She said: ‘I help both to try and see the truth of what really happened.
‘Affairs are addictive and there is a reason why, when someone gets involved and makes those choices, it is hard to get out.
‘It is because you get chemically addicted, there are dopamine hits that happen in your brain that makes them addicted to this person.
‘I help the betrayed to understand that and I also help people who are betraying to see the truth of this being more of an addiction than the love of your life.’
Rece said that one way she helps couples is by speaking the truth about the situation.
She said: ‘You lie to yourself about never having feelings for your spouse or say how you never really loved them.
‘In reality what I do is I try to make you remember the truth of your relationship and help you find your self-worth again.
‘A lot of times, shame and guilt makes you continue certain things too because you feel like an awful human being.
‘Because it is an addiction, you lie to yourself constantly. You feel like you’re in a soul mate, twin flame relationship when really you are just in an addiction.
After having her own six-month affair in 2020 and seeking treatment, Rece decided to become a coach and help both the ‘betrayer and the betrayed’
The affair recovery coach believes those who cheated should seek addiction help and make a list of all the negative impacts the affair had in your life
Cheating doesn’t have to mean the relationship is over: How Rece’s tips can help you and your partner get back on track
- To overcome an affair as a couple, she recommends actively doing things to improve the relationship,
- Engage with yourself and your needs
- Talk about the issues with a therapist and your partner
- Keep a journal and write down your thoughts
‘You need to really see the truth of the red flags of the situation and really work on your self-worth.’
Rece said there are not a lot of things out there to help someone stop their affair addiction.
She said: ‘It would be trauma therapy and sometimes even downloading an app like a love addiction app – that can help you with getting through the addiction.
‘I also tell people to start a negative reinforcement list. You make a list of all the bad that the affair did and every time you start reminiscing about the positives, remind yourself of the negative.
‘Who were you before the affair? You have to get back to that person.
‘Affairs change you and bring out the worst in you so you need to work out who you were before and make a list of who you want to be again.’
The affair coach of two years claims to have helped thousands of couples through cheating – using her own experience to support others.
Rece had a six-month affair in 2020 and said it completely changed her but she and her husband remain together after working through reconciliation.
She said: ‘When my husband and I walked through a couple of hard years, I didn’t go to counselling, I was trying to handle it all myself – I got into a broken, fearful place.
‘I was open, not knowingly, but open and vulnerable for somebody to need validation from.
‘Unfortunately, a lot of times, affairs are someone from your past or a co-worker and somebody that you have always felt safe with and then it develops into something.
‘My own family was like: “What are you doing? Who are you?”
‘Luckily I had friends who weren’t encouraging it and were calling me out – telling me I wasn’t being myself.
During her affair, Rece admitted she ‘turned into a completely different person’ and soon discovered that ‘cheating is an issue within the cheater’
She also notes that to rekindle a relationship couples should talk about the issues that caused someone to stray and participate in activities as a couple
‘At first I was defensive but after a while, I started to really feel like if every single person is saying the same thing, there has to be something to it and I started self-evaluating.
‘I called a therapist and I got involved. Once I started talking to a therapist and all my friends weren’t encouraging of the situation, I went into deep research for myself.
‘I started waking up with therapy, I went to do different therapists, was researching, was journaling, I started finding faith again.
‘All of this helped lead me to the understanding to the truth of what it is and woke me up.’
Rece’s top tips to leave an affair include, finding the root cause of why you are having an affair, making a list of all the bad the affair has done, speaking to your partner about why you began the affair, remembering who you were before the affair, seeking addiction help and most importantly, having no contact with the affair partner.
To overcome an affair as a couple, she recommends actively doing things to improve the relationship, engaging with yourself and your needs, talking about the issues and writing in a journal.