Short of headlines and crying out for ratings, Big Brother hit the tabloid PR trail.
After spending weeks crying ‘bloody hell, what are we meant to do with these remaining bogans!?’ the producers finally learned to embrace the disgrace.
On Tuesday, Big Brother called Sophie thick by mansplaining the ancient art of counting to five, Kieran called himself ‘Thick’ and Sarah got done for a Dwarf rort.
Embrace the disgrace: On Tuesday, Big Brother called Sophie thick by mansplaining the ancient art of counting to five, Kieran called himself ‘Thick’ and Sarah got done for a Dwarf rort
Short Rorts
Short Rorts: We begin with yet another lighthearted cold open. This week, it’s Sarah explaining how she rorted Centrelink
Just when we were beginning to think there was nobody interesting enough left for the lighthearted cold open, Sarah came out of nowhere with a doozy.
Big Brother: ‘Sarah. You’re short but you’re not a dwarf, correct?’
Sarah: ‘Dandenong Magistrates Court says no but the disabled parking pass in my Toyota Yaris says YASSSSS!
Big Brother: ‘Phwoaar. Jealous! How did you get one of those? There’s no box to tick for “weird housebound robot who lives in David Koch’s basement”.’
Sarah: The basic game is simple: Keep rocking up to Centrelink branches until you find an idiot case manager, or in my case, a massive Disney fan. Big Brother: ‘OMG You DIDN’T!?’
Sarah: ‘The basic game is simple: Keep rocking up to Centrelink branches until you find an idiot case manager, or in my case, a massive Disney fan.’
Big Brother: ‘You DIDN’T!?’
Sarah: ‘I did!’
Big Brother: ‘The Eighth Dwarf Trick? I thought it was just a myth.’
Sarah: ‘It is a myth. Except to Carlos at the Westfield Fountain Gate office. He thinks Snow White’s eighth Dwarf works at Bunnings and can’t reach the shelves.’
Big Brother: ‘The Eighth Dwarf Trick? I thought it was just a myth?’
Big Brother was so impressed that he brought in the tallest housemate, Daniel, to stand back to back with Sarah for a photo op.
‘This is sooo going on my Tumblr!’ he beamed.
Sarah: ‘It is a myth. Except to Carlos at the Westfield Fountain Gate office. He thinks Snow White’s eighth Dwarf works at Bunnings and can’t reach the shelves. I have the parking permit to prove it!’
In The Thick Of It
The Thick Of It: ‘I know what you’re thinking? I’m a genius,’ said Kieran in a voiceover to nobody. ‘I gave myself the nickname “Thick” in the hopes it would make me more likeable with the remaining housemates. And somehow, it stuck!’
Adelaide’s worst driver Kieran was going about his morning routine: Ten minute piece-to-camera about how shocked he is that he’s still in the house, ten minutes of mouth noises and two hours of Mario Kart (‘What!? It’s practice for me licence!’)
He usually only gets halfway through Bowser’s Castle before Mat cracks the s**ts and we’re down another Wiimote – but on Tuesday, all was calm.
‘I know what you’re thinking? I’m a genius,’ said Kieran in a voiceover to nobody.
‘I gave myself the nickname “Thick” in the hopes it would make me more likeable with the remaining housemates. And somehow, it stuck!’
Surprise, Surprise: Kieran, as long as it’s a horrible nickname that only you could give yourself, it’s always going to stick, mate
Kieran, as long as it’s a horrible nickname that only you could give yourself, it’s always going to stick, mate.
Plus, yours is way more creative than ‘The Chad’ and ‘Bald Mat’.
Interesting trivia: The worst article I’ve ever read was a paparazzi set of new mother Hilary Duff, whom the journalist decided to call ‘Thickary Duff’. Wild. (Google it).
Plus yours is way more creative than ‘The Chad’ and ‘Bald Mat’
Alan Key
Cry for joy: The grocery budget challenge was yet another one of the twisted housemate torture segments… or the faint spark of joy that keeps me going with this godawful show
The grocery challenge was yet another one of the housemate torture segments… AKA the faint spark of joy that keeps me going with this godawful show.
Basically, the housemates were taken to what appeared to be the set of the Saw movies for two days of gruelling labour-slash-psychological torture.
‘Lick and sort these chips,’ ‘peel these prawns,’ ‘clean my paintball equipment’ etc. Brilliant.
Brilliant: Basically, the housemates were taken to what appeared to be the set of the Saw movies for two days of gruelling labour-slash-psychological torture
‘Lick and sort these chips,’ ‘peel these prawns,’ ‘clean my paintball equipment’ etc. Brilliant
That was except for Thick and Bald Mat, who had to keep the fact they were being pampered secret for two days, in order to double the grocery budget.
It was all going off without a hitch until The Chad failed to follow basic instructions and ended up stumbling in on a small bearded man crying in an empty dungeon.
Pampered! That was except for Thick and Bald Mat, who had to keep the fact they were being pampered secret for two days, in order to double the grocery budget
‘Whoops, wrong room. I’m guessing you’re not the licking chips?’ he said.
‘Chad! It’s me, Alan – from week one? Thank god you’re here. I finished the “eat a room full of Mac and Cheese challenge”. Did you guys forget I was here?’
‘Nah. And it’s “The” Chad, now,’ lied The Chad.
‘Whoops, wrong room!’ It was all going off without a hitch until The Chad failed to follow basic instructions and ended up stumbling in on a small bearded man crying in an empty dungeon
‘Chad! It’s me, Alan – from week one? Thank god your here. I finished the “eat your way out of a room full of Mac and Cheese challenge”. Did you guys forget I was here?’ Chad: ‘Um. No?’
Mansplain Moment
Um, a bit easy? Actually, there was one more hitch in the torture challenge. For some reason, Big Brother gave Sophie an incredibly easy solo task titled ‘count the flashing lights’
Actually, there was one more hitch in the torture challenge. For some reason, Big Brother gave Sophie an incredibly easy solo task titled ‘count the flashing lights’.
We thought nothing of it until Sophie won the stupid 50 Shades-inspired nomination challenge.
Sophie: ‘Tonight, Big Brother, I am nominating Thick and that tart who nominated me yesterday, Casey.’
Last drip standing! We thought nothing of it until Sophie won the stupid 50 Shades inspired nomination challenge
Big Brother: ‘Now Sophie. We are only nominating TWO housemates now, you understand that right?’
Sophie: ‘Um, yep. Thick and Casey.
Big Brother: ‘Right. And Sophie, so you know, you can’t vote – and with Sarah, Daniel, The Chad, Casey, Thick and Bald Mat left, it could end in a tie? Do you see how that adds up?’
Sophie: ‘Tonight, Big Brother, I am nominating Thick and that tart who nominated me yesterday, Casey’
Big Brother: ‘Right. And Sophie, so you know, you can’t vote – and with Sarah, Daniel, The Chad, Casey, Thick and Bald Mat left, it could end in a tie? Do you see how that adds up?’
Sophie: ‘Woah. What is going on, first that incredibly hard lights challenge and now you’re mansplaining numbers? I’m dumb but I know how to count!’
Big Brother: ‘This is an automated message. Big Brother is currently in a HR meeting. The door will open on the count of ten. If you are Sophie, that means “five, twice”.
Anyway, Casey got the boot – BYEE!
(Mind the costume change) Sophie: ‘Woah. What is going on, first that incredibly hard lights challenge and now you’re mansplaining numbers? I’m dumb but I know how to count!’
PS: Anyway, Casey (Right, with Thick) got the boot – BYEE