Dear Jane,
I feel like an awful person for saying this but, I don’t want my bridesmaid’s autistic son to come to my wedding because I’m panicking that he’s going to ruin what is meant to be my special, once-in-a-lifetime day.
I am getting married this summer and have been working so hard to ensure that the day is absolutely perfect. My fiancé and I decided pretty early on that we didn’t want kids at our wedding, but we’ve made a few concessions for close family members whose children are going to be a part of the ceremony.
But now my close friend is insisting that because she can’t find anyone to look after him and he hates it when she leaves him with other people.
I understand that it’s really difficult for her, but I also know that her son tends to cause such a scene whenever he’s at big events. Because of his condition he gets overwhelmed, he screams, he acts out and I just don’t want that during my wedding!
Dear Jane, I have banned my bridesmaid from bringing her autistic son to my wedding because I’m worried he’s going to ruin it – but now she’s saying she won’t come without him
I feel like she’s had ample time to find someone to look after him and it seems like she just assumed I would bend to her wishes so she didn’t bother to sort out childcare – and that doesn’t feel like it should be my problem?
I told her in the nicest way possible that we just can’t accommodate him and she’s now threatening not to come to the wedding at all. She says I’m being selfish – but surely she’s the selfish one here? She knows how much this day means to me and how much I want her there when I get married.
What do you think?
From, Bewildered Bride
Dear Bewildered Bride,
Huge congratulations to you on your wedding, which I imagine you may have dreamed about for a long time. Of course you want it to be a perfect day and I am sorry you find yourself in what feels like an impossible situation. Any of us who know people raising children with autism know how very challenging it can be.
We also know that children with autism often get overwhelmed by new situations, new people, over-stimulation, and crowds. In fact, an occasion like a wedding would seem to be something that is likely to prove very problematic.

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I think there are two options here, given that I don’t know the finer details. You have already said that you can’t accommodate him, which isn’t leading to the result you want. Your first option is to keep this boundary firm, for it is supposed to be the one day of the year where you get to dictate what you want.
Some would say you aren’t being selfish, or a Bridezilla, but instead are setting a clear boundary, which she has to respect. Whatever she accuses you of, keep repeating that you are sorry that you can’t accommodate him.
When we set a clear boundary people often push against it, hoping to get us to capitulate. Once we start responding to them with anything other than that clear boundary, it will blow up into a much bigger fight. If, on the other hand, you keep repeating, calmly and kindly, that you can’t accommodate him, she will eventually run out of steam.
I would add that this option makes it unlikely that you will remain friends.
If, on the other hand, you really are close friends, you will know how hard it is to raise a child with these challenges. A normal babysitter or regular childcare is not an option for many children with autism, and finding the right aide, with whom your child is comfortable, can be an enormous challenge.
It sounds as if your friend has tried, and there may not be other possibilities available to her. As much as you are worrying about the potential behavior at your wedding, put yourself in your friend’s shoes, and think how difficult this is for her.
Ask her how the two of you can work together to make her son comfortable and what support you could provide at your wedding; perhaps there is a separate space that can be created to ease her child’s anxiety, filled with toys or devices that help him feel safe. Perhaps he has a favorite movie that he can watch somewhere quiet.
I don’t know the solution, but I suspect your friend does. As important as your wedding day is, our friendships, and how we look after each other, is perhaps the most important thing of all.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding, and that the day is filled with joy and peace for all.
Dear Jane,
I have been married for 16 years and I have two divorces under my belt. I’m 65 and my wife is 67 and throughout our marriage, she’s told me that she was also married twice before we met. However I recently discovered that this was not in fact the case and that she has actually been divorced four times before and that I’m her fifth husband.
Honestly it really p***ed me off that she’s kept this from me for so long. My feelings are really hurt but when I tried to talk to her about it and explain my thoughts, she just shut down and said it was ‘none of my business’. She’s the type of person who responds with verbal abuse any time I try to bring up a subject that she doesn’t like.
At this point I feel like divorce is my only option. Then she can find some other guy to lie to about her past marriages.
From, Lying Shame
Dear Lying Shame,
It’s a bit of a crying shame, isn’t it, that you have found yourself in this pickle.
None of us deserve to be lied to. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and this may not be a terrible lie: for all you know the first two marriages were when she was very young, and may have drifted into irrelevancy.
However, that she wasn’t able to apologize for the deception and tell you the full story, is cause for concern. Far greater cause for concern is the verbal abuse whenever you bring up something she doesn’t want to discuss.
Honestly, I think you’re owed a trophy for staying with someone like this for as long as you have. This is not a healthy relationship, Lying Shame, and you deserve better.
Whilst I often worry about life becoming much lonelier as we age, I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that all of us are better off on our own than in a relationship where we are verbally abused.
You’re young enough to have a second chance at life, and maybe at love. Who knows whether she will get a sixth chance at love, but it seems she doesn’t know much about healthy love, and I would let it be someone else’s problem.
Wishing you much kindness and honesty in your future.
***
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