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Are you a dinosaur or a sex star? Tracey Cox reveals what makes us look old-fashioned in the bedroom

It’s not just our physical age that can make us lose touch with today’s fast-changing world.

Old-fashioned attitudes are just as dating – and, when it comes to sex, unappealing.

Clinging onto beliefs that are no longer (and possibly never were) true won’t do you any favours if you’re out to impress.

Make sure you’re not left on the sexual shelf by checking you’re not guilty of this dinosaur thinking…

Tracey Cox revealed a selection of old-fashioned attitudes towards sex that are unappealing in today’s fast-changing world (file image)

HIM

Old school thinking: You think the clitoris is the bit you can see.

Impressive: You know that’s just the tip and most of the clitoris extends below the surface.

For years, most people thought the clitoris was the highly sensitive tip that nestles underneath a protective hood at the top of the vulva.

In fact, 90 percent of it lies beneath the skin.

Beef up on the true size of her clitoris and you’re sure to impress!

The tip or glans measures around three-quarters to one inch; the symmetrical bulbs beneath the skin surface extend more than three inches along both sides of the inner labia. The shaft, which connects the glans to the bulbs, is about five inches long.

As a diagram, the clitoris looks a bit like an eagle in flight.

Just like his penis, the clitoris is made of erectile tissue and engorges with blood when she’s aroused.

It’s the only organ in the human body with no purpose aside from pleasure. Our lungs deliver oxygen, our hearts pump blood, our brains make sense of the world – our clitoris does nothing but deliver orgasms.

And deliver orgasms it does!

Killer move: All orgasms originate from some kind of stimulation of the clitoris – but it can be any part.

Don’t just use your tongue or fingers on the tip, stimulate her inner clitoris via the front vaginal wall. Choose a position that directly hits the part underneath her tummy (doggy works well) or use a G-spot vibrator on that area. If she climaxes, she’s had what’s nicknamed a G-spot orgasm. Except it’s actually not – the G-spot is close to the root of the clitoris.

Score more points by spreading your fingers, laying them flat over her outer labia and pressing firmly, using a regular rhythm. This stimulates the clitoral bulbs under the outer labia.

HER

Old school thinking: You’re suspicious of any man who enjoys anal stimulation. Doesn’t it mean he’s gay?

Impressive: You’re the one who suggests it: you know the male ‘G-spot’ is a neglected hot spot.

Liking your girlfriend putting a finger up your bottom just before orgasm doesn’t make a man gay; wishing it was a man doing it might do.

True, gay men appear to be the first to discover how pleasurable prostate massage could be.

But heterosexuals have well and truly caught on: prostate stimulating toys are one of the fastest growing markets in sex toys. Not only is it something new to try, stimulating his P spot can improve the firmness and quality of his erections.

Tracey (pictured) said it's a 'big mistake' to assume men are the only ones who like watching porn

Tracey (pictured) said it’s a ‘big mistake’ to assume men are the only ones who like watching porn 

The anus is packed with nerve endings and anal stimulation is something enjoyed by all sexualities.

It’s a particular turn on for men because it’s also the home of the prostate gland (also known as the male G-spot).

While we’re on the topic of old-fashioned concepts, you can also ditch the one that says sex toys are mainly for women. Male sex toys sales are almost as big – and men enjoying anal stimulation are what’s contributed to this.

With all things anal, get permission first. But do encourage your partner to try it. As one man told me, “If men knew how explosive their orgasms could be with anal added to the mix, they’d all be doing it!”.

Killer move: Suggest you try ‘pegging’. Pegging (usually) refers to a straight woman penetrating her male partner anally with a strap-on dildo. It’s hugely popular with couples – and something I can vouch for. I sell a pegging kit in one of my sex toy ranges and it’s consistently the highest selling of my 60-odd products. Most couples get a buzz because it reverses the gender roles, as well as being an effective way to stimulate one of his most sensitive erogenous zones.

A little too adventurous? A well-lubed finger inserted just before orgasm will do the trick. He liked it? Try a vibrating prostate simulator: they’ve revived many a man’s flagging interest in sex.

HIM

Old school thinking: You would never suggest watching porn with your partner – women hate it!

Impressive: You know women are just as aroused by erotica as men are. Just a different kind.

We might not watch it as much as men do – women make up a bit over a fourth of all visitors on the Pornhub site – but it’s not quite the ‘guy thing’ people make out.

Lots of women enjoy porn – and plenty love having it playing while they’re having sex. It adds variety and excitement without the dramas of inviting another body into the bed and it’s arousing.

Recent research suggests female desire is completely different to what we once thought.

Big mistake to assume men are the only ones who like watching sexy people do sexy things!

Turns out women aren’t conservative after all. We like risk. We want lust. We’re primal: way, way more primal than society believes.

If you want evidence that women want edgier sex, think about how many women latched onto the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

It might be all wrapped around a love story but make no mistake: for most, the appeal is in the BDSM scenes.

The trick is choosing porn that appeals to women rather than men. Less close-ups of genitalia, more stylish filming and (dare I say it) a hint of a plot.

If you really want to impress…

Killer move: Try audio porn. Hand over some earphones, plugged into a device which has preselected audio porn ready to roll. As she listens, continue to stimulate her with your hands, tongue, penis or a sex toy.

Listening to erotica is entirely different to watching it – especially if she’s the only one who can hear what’s going on. Women respond well to erotic tales because we like a story behind the seduction. Let her indulge in an aural guided fantasy, while you take her to orgasm with some skilled tongue techniques.

Tracey suggests talking about how you can’t orgasm during intercourse and challenging any partners who insist you’re the only one who hasn’t been able to orgasm this way (file image)

HER

Old school thinking: You feel embarrassed that you can’t orgasm during intercourse: like you’re not a ‘real woman’.

Impressive: It’s God’s fault the clitoris is outside the vagina, not yours.

Of all the sex myths I get upset about people still believing, this tops the list.

Despite decades of sex educators telling women that all orgasms require clitoral stimulation, despite easily accessible sex information backing this up, lots of women still believe there is something wrong with them if they don’t orgasm through penetration alone.

Even more extraordinary: when women ARE aware of this fact (and believe me, it is fact) and STILL refuse to accept it.

“But that’s not what happened with his other girlfriends,” they tell me. “There’s something wrong with me.”

You can see why (some) men don’t enjoy discovering this: it makes his favourite part of sex, intercourse, less favourite for her.

A lot of women also want intercourse to be the provider of their orgasm because it is, after all, the sexual act when you feel most bonded.

An oral sex orgasm might feel marvellous but there’s no eye contact: he’s down one end, your face is up the other.

I get why both sexes try to cling to it but it’s not doing women any favours at all.

Proof your sexual know-how needs some SERIOUS bringing up to date

This is what men and women told me when I asked what was the most embarrassingly outdated thing they’ve ever believed about sex.

HANDS ON 

‘In movies and on TV, they make it look like you don’t need to use your hands to guide the penis in for penetration. There’s a lot of teenage confusion and angst because of that!’

DANGEROUS DOGGY STYLE 

‘When I was young, I heard a story that if you had sex doggy style, your penis would snap. I avoided it, terrified, until my then girlfriend convinced me it wasn’t true. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for it and left doing it for so long!’

ESSENTIAL ERECTION 

‘Until my early 20s, I believed men had to be hard to be in the mood. What an eye opener that was when I figured out that wasn’t true!’

PERPLEXED BY PENETRATION 

‘My sex ed took place in a Christian school. They were quite good on condoms and STD’s but all the explanations of sex were done without pictures or diagrams. I only got a rudimentary idea of exactly how sex worked and decided the penis and vagina would dock like two spaceships. Pull up alongside each other. I had no idea the penis went into the vagina. It wasn’t until I saw my first porn film that I figured out this wasn’t the case.’

MISSING G-SPOT 

‘For years, I thought the G-spot and the clitoris were the same thing. I remember having a conversation with some guy friends about the G-spot and they said they’d never been able to find it on a woman. I boasted that I’d brought every woman I’d ever slept with to orgasm through their G-spot via oral sex. None of them said anything, just looked at me a bit confused. I was mortified when I finally realised that the G-spot is inside the vagina.’

SEX TOYS MEAN BAD SEX  

‘I asked an early girlfriend if she’d ever used a sex toy and she told me that if a woman used one, it meant the sex wasn’t great. I believed her. Then I met a woman who asked if she could use her vibrator on both of us. I loved it! It turned me on watching her use it on herself and on me. That woman is now my wife and we love using sex toys. It’s not because our sex is rubbish – far from it! They enhance the sex we have!’

PERIOD NO 

‘I thought girls had to take tampons out to pee.’

The latest orgasm gap figures continue to show 95 per cent of men usually or always orgasm during partnered sex compared to 65 per cent of women.

(I’d put the figures for women much lower.)

Killer move: Refuse to keep the myth alive. Talk about how you can’t orgasm during intercourse alone with your girlfriends, your sister, your Mum. Actively challenge any partners who insist you’re the only one who hasn’t been able to orgasm this way. The eighty-five per cent of women who don’t climax through penetration alone are testament to this. How did he know for sure his exes climaxed when there is no definitive way to find out if a woman has orgasmed or not?

HIM

Old school thinking: If I don’t have a big penis, she’ll be disappointed.

Impressive: Knowing exemplary oral sex skills win hands down. Every time.

Guess how more than half of women (53 percent) have their orgasms?

It’s not through intercourse.

Guess how many women enjoy receiving well-executed oral sex, according to a 2021 study?

A whopping 90.9 per cent.

You already know only 25 percent of women have their orgasms through penetration – so why are men still obsessed with their penises?

Even more pertinent, why is big still considered best when umpteen surveys and research consistently report than an ‘average’ size penis is preferred?

Fact: men might long to belong to the ’10 inch’ club but female fans are negligible.

Large penises often hurt – they tend to bump into our cervix, which is painful.

A man who is confident in his body, regardless of how big or wide his penis is, is without question a better lover.

Thinking a big penis is all you need to satisfy a woman is woefully, tragically outdated.

Killer move: Given oral sex is what really impresses, make sure you know the basics for doing it well. Keep everything super wet. Think about the direction of how you circle the clitoris: it feels quite different clockwise and counterclockwise. Try mixing it up a little – a few twirls one way, a few the other. Avoid desensitisation by making sure you don’t concentrate on the same spot the entire time. Reach new spots by spelling her name on her clitoris with your tongue. Finally, make noise: moan to let her know you’re as turned on as she is.

HER

Old school thinking: If he doesn’t have an erection, he’s not turned on by me

Impressive: Realising he’s a man, not a machine.

They used to say that putting a slot in a coin machine was enough to trigger an erection for a man.

Then the world realised that penises are attached to human beings and men aren’t machines.

The old thinking that him being ‘hard’ and her being ‘wet’ are the absolute measurement of a man and a woman being turned on were dismissed years ago.

For both sexes, arousal is affected by so many other factors than just attraction. Stress, feeling tired, too much alcohol, some medications, performance anxiety, hormone levels, relationship problems – the mind might be very willing, but all of these can make the flesh weak.

Often, not getting an erection can be a sign he’s a little too attracted to you, feeling overwhelmed and worried he won’t live up to expectations.

His erection is likely to come and go during a typical sex session as well.

If his penis is being directly stimulated, he’s likely to stay hard. If he’s giving you oral sex for a long period and it’s not getting any attention, it could go down. It doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy doing it, just that penises like constant attention.

The myth that men get hard and stay hard right up until they ejaculate is both false and damaging.

Killer move: Not looking remotely put out if he doesn’t rise to the occasion. Rather than desperately yanking away, ignore his penis and guide his hands to your breasts and other places. Distraction works and the more aroused you become, the more confident he’ll feel. A healthy sexual self-esteem is one of the most effective solutions for performance anxiety.

Check out traceycox.com for Tracey’s blogs, product ranges and weekly podcast, SexTok.

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