ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions – Dec 20, 2019

My husband doesn’t want me to look after my granddaughter  

I’m worried that my husband is not as nice as I thought he was when we met eight years ago. My daughter has a four-month-old baby and is due to return to work as a nurse part time in a couple of months. She has asked me to look after her daughter two days a week. I adore my new grandchild and would happily do so but my husband is really against the idea. He has no children of his own and he says it will ruin his retirement plans (he’s 63, I’m 64). He was looking forward to a quiet life and he wants to go on holiday more – if I’m taking care of my granddaughter (and any future grandchildren) we will be stuck at home. He is being quite belligerent about it and asks why my granddaughter can’t go to a childminder. I explained that I would much rather look after her myself and that my daughter and her husband would really struggle to afford childcare. When I said that it could be nice – that we could sometimes take my granddaughter out for the day and he could get to know her and enjoy being a step-grandfather – he said that he had no interest in that and if I was with my granddaughter, he would do something else for the day. I was shocked and now I don’t know what to think.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though you and your husband have very different priorities – and he may not be the person you thought he was. I do have some sympathy for him, as he hasn’t got children himself, so may have imagined his future very differently and didn’t expect to be an involved step-grandparent. However, he knew that you had grown-up children when he married you and he could perhaps have anticipated that you would become a grandparent and would want to be involved. It sounds as though he’s a little jealous of the time you spend with your daughter and grandchild and he may feel as though you should put him and his needs first – but I’m afraid that this doesn’t say a lot for him. You can still go on holiday together – which is important – and if he really loves you he should want to support you in helping out your daughter. It is only for a few years – 63 is still relatively young and there would still be plenty of time left for a quiet life and travelling when your grandchildren are older and at school. It is shocking that your husband doesn’t plan to get involved at all. I think that, unfortunately, you could quickly come to resent this – and sadly in time it could affect your love for him. Perhaps you should tell him this.

I feel guilty that I’m so happy with my new love

Three years ago, my wife died of cancer. We were happy and she was a great mum to our two children (now ten and 14). I loved her but I was probably not ‘in love’ with her. Now, however, I have been lucky enough to meet the love of my life. We have so much in common and she is amazingly kind – I have realised that I have stronger feelings for her than I ever had for my wife. The trouble is I feel so guilty. We have been together for six months and I want her to meet my friends and, of course, my children but I feel that it will be so obvious that I am madly in love and that they will see it somehow as if I am betraying my late wife.

Try not to worry so much. In your longer letter, you also say that you feel guilty because you know that if your wife hadn’t died, you would never have met this woman. These thoughts are very normal and I assure you there is no need to feel guilty. It is not as though you wished your wife dead. You were a good and loyal husband, and losing the mother of your children was incredibly painful for you. You can’t help the way you feel. It is wonderful that you have fallen in love so deeply. Just confide in one or two really close friends so that you have an opportunity to talk about your new love. With your children, take it slowly and let them get to know her gradually. She sounds lovely and as she is so kind, hopefully she will be a good stepmother. I am sure your children will learn to love her, too, which may be just what they need after such an early and tragic loss.

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk