The simple trait that could be destroying your dating life – and the six signs that you’re headed for a toxic relationship
- Psychologist Gabby Goodier says self-limiting beliefs can destroy relationships
- She warns believing you are worthless can lead you to the wrong partners
- The expert, from Perth, says it can attract you to people who ‘just aren’t into you’
- She says feelings of worthlessness can cause you to avoid dating altogether
A clinical psychologist has revealed how self-limiting beliefs can destroy your dating life – and none is more damaging than feeling you are worthless.
Gabby Goodier, from Perth, WA, warns feelings of worthlessness can lead to toxic relationships because you are subconsciously attracted to partners who ‘just aren’t that into you’, reinforcing a negative view of yourself.
The founder of mental health hub The Sage Society says you could be suffering from this limiting belief if you are repeatedly drawn to partners who criticise and belittle you, are unable to commit to you, and have no desire to know you on a deep level.
Psychologist Gabby Goodier (pictured) warns feelings of worthlessness can lead to toxic relationships because you are attracted to partners who ‘just aren’t that into you’
Other signs include pursuing one-sided relationships in the hope you can earn your partner’s love and affection, having a history of short, intense liaisons, and avoiding dating altogether.
Ms Goodier’s claims are supported by renowned American psychologist Jeffrey Young who is best known for developing schema therapy, a treatment plan that addresses self-defeating emotional patterns learned in childhood.
The groundbreaking therapist famously said that people who believe they are worthless ‘probably have the most powerful attraction to partners who criticise and reject’ them, because they reinforce feelings of defectiveness.
Mr Young claimed critical partners will feel familiar to those with deep-rooted self-loathing because they echo what they were taught early in life.
Earlier this year Ms Goodier shared wisdom for those left to pick up the pieces of a failed relationship by revealing five ways to cope with a breakup in a healthy way.
She believes the end of a relationship is the perfect time for an emotional ‘detox’, which involves rewiring the brain with positive thoughts.
The mental health expert says this can be done by surrounding yourself with friends and family, spending more time outdoors, and staying away from social media.
Signs you’re dating while believing ‘I am worthless’
* You are drawn to partners who criticise and belittle you
* You are most attracted to partners who are ‘just not that into you’
* You pursue relationships with the hope you can earn their love
* You feel at home with partners who are emotionally unavailable or have no desire to get to know you on a deeper level
* You are attracted to partners who are unable to commit to you or spend time with you regularly
* You avoid dating altogether or have a series of short, intense relationships
Psychologist Gabby Goodier says you could be suffering from feelings of worthlessness if you are repeatedly drawn to partners who criticise and belittle you (stock image)
Ms Goodier recommends ‘hiding’ or deleting your ex from your accounts, because research has shown that a ‘heartbroken brain is just like one experiencing cocaine withdrawal’.
‘More contact, even just seeing their face, makes cravings stronger,’ she said.
Ms Goodier also advises cutting down on alcohol – or better yet, avoiding it altogether – and focusing on developing healthy habits such as exercising, getting eight hours of sleep and eating a balance diet.
‘After a relationship ends, one of the reasons it’s so painful is that the neurons in your brain are firing differently,’ she said.
This is because your ‘love cocktail’ – the hormones oxytocin and dopamine which are produced in greater amounts when you are in love – has been cut off and replaced with the stress hormone, cortisol.
Ms Goodier advises surrounding yourself with close friends and family in the immediate aftermath of a breakup (stock image)
Spending time with people you love, getting sunshine on your skin and reducing the time spent scrolling on your phone will help to boost your brain with the positive chemicals it is craving, she said.
An Instagram post of Ms Goodier’s tips attracted grateful responses, with many thanking her for saying ‘exactly’ what they needed to hear.
‘I needed this today,’ one woman wrote.
Another added: ‘After a very difficult few weeks here is some sage advice I heard: Not everyone is making a cameo in your movie.
‘They’re the lead in their own and will act accordingly to not only their own wants and needs but also their traumas and history. You are not central to every story so not everything that people do or say, or how they react, is about you.’