Bel Mooney: Bombshell discovery left my heart in pieces 

Retrospective jealousy is not uncommon, but I’ve never seen it described as Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder

Dear Bel,

My wife and I met at 17. I pursued her and won her heart, loving her at first sight and ever since.

Twenty years ago last month she told me we were becoming more than friends.

Due to college and family circumstances we had a long- distance relationship for five years and she moved to my town after we got engaged.

We were married at 24. During that entire time we never had full sex and she told me constantly she would only do anything with a man she wanted to marry and that I was her one and only — always and for ever — and she wanted to be my wife.

Then, six weeks before we were due to get married, she told me that once while out of the country she kissed two boys out of curiosity. One of them got her drunk and slept with her.

She says she was almost comatose and not an active participant. We married and believe we are soulmates, have three children together and have had a wonderful life for 14 years.

However, we moved house six months ago, and while unpacking old boxes I saw a picture of her with one of the guys she kissed. This triggered a major reaction. Since then I’ve suffered from Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: nightmares, anxiety, constant images.

She says that after that experience she was done with other boys and has always been faithful to me. I am in therapy and every time I do mind-body bridging, a mindfulness technique, it just brings out how much I love her. But somehow I still struggle to forgive her.

I have never kissed another girl nor felt the need to. I just want peace in my heart towards this amazing woman.

Much has been said about being in the present. / It’s the place to be, according to the gurus, / like the latest club on the downtown scene, / but no one, it seems, is able to give you directions.

From The Present by Billy Collins (American poet, b 1941).

It seems (from therapy) that I had been keeping a part of my heart from her since finding out about the guys she kissed — and in this midlife relationship crisis (I’m 38) I recognise that.

Now, at last, I have given her my whole heart — even though it’s broken. I thought she would never hurt me, but she says I’m safe now.

However, my brain tells me that would only be true if she’d never cheated. I hope my heart wins and I can live my days in peace with this woman I love dearly.

I am beginning Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR), a powerful psychological treatment, next week to hopefully get control of this traumatic experience. Seeking your thoughts.

JASON 

Retrospective jealousy is not uncommon, but I’ve never seen it described as Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. I’ve also just learnt two things I didn’t know about.

Here’s the first: ‘Mind-Body Bridging [MBB] is a mindfulness-based technique developed by Stanley H. Block, MD, to improve mindful awareness.

‘In contrast to Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, MBB does not include meditation exercises. Instead, it cultivates awareness skills to heighten recognition of various aspects of a dysfunctional mind-body state — for example, ruminating thoughts . . . and impaired mental or physical functioning — and offers mind-body mapping exercises to further raise awareness of the sources of the disharmony.’

Er, ok. And EMDR is, indeed, yet another form of psycho- therapy which uses eye movements, relaxations and sounds to help heal acute psychological difficulties arising from trauma as well as ‘prolonged, low-grade distress that originates in shock or loss in adult life and/or issues experienced during childhood’.

Reading about it I reflect that the techniques seem to go over memories in an obsessive way that could make them worse. But I’m not an expert and am prepared to be shot down by those who are — even if they have few qualifications.

Look, I know I sound cynical, but I don’t mean to be. It’s just that I feel bewildered because the world is full of therapies with competing methods of healing, so that those who want help (and maybe search on the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy’s directory itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists) might be left utterly confused.

On the site I mention, there are 30 therapies to choose from — so how do you know what you need? Might you start a course of EMDR, for example, and find it wrong for you?

You ask for my thoughts, so here goes. The wonderful wife you adore, the mother of your three children, made a mistake more than 14 years ago — and I wish with all my heart she’d kept quiet.

Obviously you blanked it out, went ahead with the marriage, and now (because of that photograph) you are finally allowing yourself to brood. Where is the mystery here? Where is the ‘trauma’ that needs so much therapy?

Just imagine what it would be like were something terrible to happen to one of your children (see today’s second letter), and ask yourself if that might deserve the name of ‘trauma’. A young woman getting drunk and having sex once . . .? No, I’m sorry. It doesn’t register with me as a sin or crime — nor would it with the men I know.

Nobody is ever ‘safe’ in this world. Not if we open ourselves as mature people to the various setbacks life will throw, which we can never predict.

We will suffer rejections, family quarrels, disappointment, ageing, ill health and the deaths of those we love. In order to cope, we must cultivate strength of mind and resilience of spirit.

Tell yourself your heart is not ‘broken’, it’s a tad bruised, that’s all. I think you should give therapy a rest, take some deep breaths, watch the news, and give thanks for the life you have.

 I’m so hurt by my sister’s snub 

Retrospective jealousy is not uncommon, but I’ve never seen it described as Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. I’ve also just learnt two things I didn’t know about.

Here’s the first: ‘Mind-Body Bridging [MBB] is a mindfulness-based technique developed by Stanley H. Block, MD, to improve mindful awareness.

‘In contrast to Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, MBB does not include meditation exercises. Instead, it cultivates awareness skills to heighten recognition of various aspects of a dysfunctional mind-body state — for example, ruminating thoughts . . . and impaired mental or physical functioning — and offers mind-body mapping exercises to further raise awareness of the sources of the disharmony.’

Er, ok. And EMDR is, indeed, yet another form of psycho- therapy which uses eye movements, relaxations and sounds to help heal acute psychological difficulties arising from trauma as well as ‘prolonged, low-grade distress that originates in shock or loss in adult life and/or issues experienced during childhood’.

Reading about it I reflect that the techniques seem to go over memories in an obsessive way that could make them worse. But I’m not an expert and am prepared to be shot down by those who are — even if they have few qualifications.

Look, I know I sound cynical, but I don’t mean to be. It’s just that I feel bewildered because the world is full of therapies with competing methods of healing, so that those who want help (and maybe search on the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy’s directory itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists) might be left utterly confused.

On the site I mention, there are 30 therapies to choose from — so how do you know what you need? Might you start a course of EMDR, for example, and find it wrong for you?

You ask for my thoughts, so here goes. The wonderful wife you adore, the mother of your three children, made a mistake more than 14 years ago — and I wish with all my heart she’d kept quiet.

Obviously you blanked it out, went ahead with the marriage, and now (because of that photograph) you are finally allowing yourself to brood. Where is the mystery here? Where is the ‘trauma’ that needs so much therapy?

Just imagine what it would be like were something terrible to happen to one of your children (see today’s second letter), and ask yourself if that might deserve the name of ‘trauma’. A young woman getting drunk and having sex once . . .? No, I’m sorry. It doesn’t register with me as a sin or crime — nor would it with the men I know.

Nobody is ever ‘safe’ in this world. Not if we open ourselves as mature people to the various setbacks life will throw, which we can never predict.

We will suffer rejections, family quarrels, disappointment, ageing, ill health and the deaths of those we love. In order to cope, we must cultivate strength of mind and resilience of spirit.

Tell yourself your heart is not ‘broken’, it’s a tad bruised, that’s all. I think you should give therapy a rest, take some deep breaths, watch the news, and give thanks for the life you have. 

LORNA 

Just lately, many problems seem about the family, rather than romantic relationships or marriage, and I’m wondering why.

It could be post-Christmas, of course, because that time of year arouses so many expectations.

But your problem goes so much deeper, and I wish I knew more. (Used as I am to long emails, with your terse one I had to insert words to make it read easily.)

I’m not entirely clear which of your two sisters lives 40 minutes away and which one has the daughter, but no matter — we’ll plough on and try to reach the heart of the matter.

You tell a short, bleak tale in which you believe you are the injured party. Yet can I suggest that perhaps your relationship with ‘other sister’ was never good?

You say she ‘rebuffed’ you, and yet I have to assume she was seeing the third sister during that time. (It’s confusing so I’ll use OS for ‘other sister’ and TS for the third one.) So I suspect you and OS fell out at some stage and the issue was never resolved and that’s where it all starts. When you say you love both sisters ‘so much’ and pick out OS ‘especially’ — I’m afraid it just doesn’t ring true.

Something is wrong here — and an inability to face up to the truth is often at the root of family problems. You clearly think that you have always been in the right, because it’s impossible not to notice the way you express yourself (no words added here): ‘I chose to forget about her’ and ‘I chose to forgive her.’

Perhaps she did hurt you with her constant refusals — yet you did not ‘forget’ her, so why pretend? You went on resenting her. As for ‘choosing’ to forgive somebody you allegedly love when the son who was the pivot of her life has met a sudden, horrible death . . . Well! I ask you to look carefully at your own words and consider the meaning they carry for other people.

Have you got it? Yes, you sound totally self-absorbed. This is not about you. I can see why you felt left out when you heard that OS and TS had met together with your niece, but surely you can see they are entitled to continue with a relationship that went on for years without you in it?

Honestly, you have to understand that blunt truth if you are to have any chance of moving on, salving your own wounded feelings and establishing a good relationship with both your sisters.

It seems to me you must start by placing the bereavement at centre stage. Moving yourself far to one side, remind yourself you are only one player in this tragedy — and not an important one at that.

Instead of thinking about how left out you feel, focus hard on that young life cut short and think how his mother must have felt — and is still feeling.

She is the tragic figure who is now having to face the rest of her life without her son. She is the one who has been ‘upset and hurt’ beyond words.

All you can do is open your whole heart to that fact, forget about yourself, and let her know that you will always want to see her and listen to her talk about her beloved son, your nephew. Then wait.

And finally, the key to beating loneliness

I’m impressed by the matter-of-fact sense in a letter from Mr S (from Leicestershire) and want to share it.

Having read my recent article on loneliness, he observes: ‘One can empathise with those living with little social interaction . . . But many people self-handicap and make the bad decision of not pursuing independent interests while enjoying the comfort zone of a relationship.’

He makes the point that too many women live ‘defined by the relationship’: ‘They have achieved their aim of finding Mr Right and . . . they jettison hobbies and immerse themselves in the relationship.’

He says men, too, make the same mistake. Is that right? Yes, I think it often is — in the sense that people can become too inter-dependent and neglect the rest of life. Meanwhile, those who fail to find ‘the one’ feel they’ve missed out and become lonely, depressed and (as Mr S puts it) ‘introspective — in self-imposed isolation’.

I find this reader’s email refreshingly blunt: ‘I play golf and observe how many ‘senior’ men are on the course at the crack of dawn’, because they are seemingly glad to escape demanding wives who ‘are watching the clock, unable to exploit their own freedom and pursue independent interests . . . Then, when divorce or death happen, such people are incapable of coping — perceiving inevitable moments of solitude and silence as a curse.’

It’s a good point. Somehow I suspect Mr S lives alone and, like him, I believe it is important to cultivate an inner life that can enable you to be contented in your own company.

He gives his own prescription: ‘My simple solution: join the groups you should have joined when you were married; always have excellent Radio 4 on and focus your thoughts on what you listen to; read books and newspapers . . . thus avoiding the destructive introspection that leads to feeling I’m fed up; I’m alone; I’ve got no friends.’

Don’t you think there’s some wisdom here?

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