BEL MOONEY: I’m on the shelf at 53 and despair I’ll never meet a man

Dear Bel, 

I am running out of ideas as to where to go with my life. I am 53, have never been married and show no signs of ever meeting anybody decent. I have never had a serious relationship despite always being asked out.

But the people who ask me are people I could not ever consider being friends with, let alone anything else!

My mother died in 1998 at the age of 54 due to a serious disease; my father remarried (a very controlling woman) in 2005 and moved away. I always had a close relationship with him but this woman destroyed that and he just went along with her which has been really hurtful for me.

We only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I have two brothers and only see them at Christmas as they work abroad. I do have three lovely nieces under 12 though, but again only see them once a year.

I live alone in Surrey and only have a handful of friends, who still have both parents, so show little understanding of me.

I work in the care sector and money is extremely tight so I am fairly limited in what I can join and pay for. I do belong to a gym and go most days. I do all I can to try to meet men, but to no avail.

I feel yet another year (wedding season) has passed and all I think about is weddings at this time of the year, and watch everybody else have their special day.

I feel so left out, Bel. Do you have any ideas?

JANETTE 

From one postbag I have three sad letters from lonely women, two of which are much longer than yours.

In both cases they go into detail about family backgrounds (including mental illness) but if I just include an extract from each here you will see that loneliness is the key issue, as it is for millions of people.

L writes: ‘I am 40, intelligent, good-looking, educated and kind. I have been in only one real relationship in my life, which ended (my choice) after four years about a year ago.

‘I have always struggled to meet men and worry that all I will have is my job (which I love). I do have a social life. My two best friends both married recently, and made it clear (both missed my 40th birthday) that they have other priorities now.

‘I adore my younger sister. She’s attractive, smart and youthful too, but also single most of her life. I’m worried that it’s written in the stars for us never to fall in love.’

Meanwhile, M explains that she is ‘estranged from all my family’, bothered by her housing situation (bad neighbours), and wistful because her two sons in their 20s don’t get in touch often.

‘I am struggling to build a life for me. This weekend I couldn’t face my regular walking group — fed up with having nothing to say.

‘I am trying online dating. I’m ashamed I have no friends and am fed up with being lonely. I wish my life was different — with fun and support.’

Obviously there is no universal cure for loneliness. But it bothered me that M went on to say she has ‘relied on a psychic to help me through tough times’ and L cites fate (‘written in the stars’).

I would advise both women to forget all that, to live mindfully in the present — and try to extend the boundaries of who they are.

M writes that she’s ‘fed up with having nothing to say’. Well, the only answer is to step outside the boundaries of self, showing interest in other people.

How can a ‘psychic’ help you relate to others? And if you start to think the lack of love is something to do with the ‘stars’ you are defeated at the outset.

Many people wish ‘life was different — with fun and support’. They long for the ‘big relationship’ to give everything meaning and purpose. It’s the romantic dream — which can only be countered by the observation that any search for meaning and purpose must begin within you. Find out what you believe. Experience new things and test yourself.

Men and women (especially when older) run a huge risk of permanent heartache if they identify happiness with romance.

Oh, I know it’s easy to do. The old deception is seductive even though it often ends in tears.

But when you, Janette, write: ‘I do all I can to try to meet men, but to no avail’, my heart sinks.

Because you probably give off an aura of neediness — and that’s no basis for forming relaxed relationships. Putting out hooks to catch love is reaching for empty air. That’s why I remain dubious about online dating.

Friendship must be the goal for people who feel lost within their own lives. Not romance. Not ‘meeting men’. No, reaching out towards others, caring about what they think and feel, being interested in their chat and their problems.

If I were you, Janette, I’d stop obsessing about ‘meeting men’ and make changes in life. Why go to the gym every day when you could use that time for something new?

Shift your mindset (and it can be done) to understand that every single day of your life is ‘special’ — if you make it so. Within this realisation (see today’s And Finally) lies the secret of happiness.

My sister is ruining my son’s wedding  

Dear Bel

My son and his intended are getting married in 2020. His fiancee’s family are like me, comfortably working and able to afford a holiday once a year, so both families are saving towards the wedding.

My sister is the problem here. She is insisting we invite her second husband’s family to the wedding — a large family of 12 members, only one of whom (her step-daughter) we have met.

My sister says she has been to lots of their family weddings, christenings etc — but neither my son, myself nor my future daughter- in-law’s family have ever socialised with them.

This planned wedding is going to be a small affair, in a local hotel which has a set wedding price for a given number of guests.

The fiancee’s family is also quite large, so decisions on who will come will need to be made. I have suggested we go to Florida for the wedding, cutting out the hangers-on wanting a free booze-up!

I have not asked if my few close friends can come, as I know we can invite only 60-70 people.

My son does not even like my sister’s husband — a racist, loud-mouthed bigot who has embarrassed us at previous functions by complaining about the food or entertainment.

My sister is being very bolshie about this problem. Any advice on how to approach it diplomatically?

MAGGIE 

Here we are again, facing one of my least-favourite subjects, contemplating the can of worms these wretched weddings can be.

What should be a happy day for two people who wish to commit to each other (and nowadays that’s a source of joy and wonder in itself!) is turned into an emotional minefield by the larger family.

As I have said before, I really detest weddings when they involve such selfish expectations. Which is, unfortunately in many cases.

To be honest, I still quietly seethe when I think of various people we ‘had’ to ask to my daughter’s wedding in 2009. I’d rather have given that cost per head to charity!

Your sister has absolutely no right to dictate who is, or is not, invited to your son’s wedding.

Her second husband sounds pretty dreadful, but might be tolerated for the sake of goodwill (as long as the seating was carefully planned, maybe with the bigots on one table) but why should your son and his fiancee have to welcome a whole entourage of strangers to their wedding? The idea is as ridiculous as it is annoying.

You will be aware from my tone that I am naturally disinclined to be ‘diplomatic’ about this — yet I can understand why you don’t want to alienate your sister, even if she is making a pretty good fist of alienating herself.

The Florida option is rather extreme, yet I do know of one couple who had their small wedding in St Lucia because it helped keep it extra special for close family members.

Obviously, this is for your son and his fiancée to decide, in consultation with their parents. But if I were you I would draw up a list of essential guests — if anything, cutting it down even more than the 60-70 you mention.

This list would include your son’s aunt (this selfishly demanding sister) and her husband, but nobody else from that family.

If she then complains and/or refuses to come, then so be it. There is no way of softening the pill, I’m afraid. 

 And finally… Course that is teaching happiness 

At first I was amazed that a course on happiness is proving the most popular ever at America’s elite university, Yale.

Why, I thought, does anybody think it can be taught? Learn proper philosophy instead! Read a 19th century novel!

As a student, I worried about work, of course. Is there really more pressure now? Then I took my inner fuddy-duddy to task. Just because my generation would have been astonished that happiness could be deemed worthy of formal study doesn’t mean it isn’t a brilliant — and essential — idea for a much more complicated age.

Professor Laurie Santos (a youthful 43-year-old) became worried about the crisis in mental health among students on both sides of the Atlantic (and I imagine there’s a similar situation in Europe).

Inevitably, she concluded that smartphone technology has played an incalculable role in adding to the stress young people experience.

Reduced eye contact and verbal communication; the endless comparisons made on social media; fake news . . . you name it. It showers down on the young, night and day, like a Biblical plague. No wonder so many are depressed.

The answer? Giving people the means to analyse what is going on and combat it. The 21-week course promises ‘a set of scientifically validated strategies for living a more satisfying life’.

Reading about it, I was fascinated to notice elements which have also featured in this column — such as keeping a gratitude journal, believing you can rewire your mind, random acts of kindness, exercise, daily meditation (gazing at flowers, for example, and really seeing them) and so on.

Oh, and of course, talking to people and switching off that bloody smartphone.

It’s not rocket science, is it? Yet people need to be told that the key to a ‘good life’ lies within ourselves. Just don’t expect it as a gift. As Prof Santos says: ‘Happiness takes intentional effort every day of your life.’