BEL MOONEY: Is my personal trainer trying to steal my husband?

Thought of the week 

 There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (Swiss-American psychiatrist, 1926-2004)

Dear Bel,

I am very stressed about and ­suspicious of my husband’s ­relationship with his personal trainer. She is single and much younger, and he goes to her for sport injuries.

They obviously get on very well — they keep texting each other and at times, meet up privately. I found out by chance and it took a lot of courage to confront him, not wanting to be seen as ­unreasonable and jealous.

He denied there was anything going on between them, claiming she is not his type.

His explanation was that they go out training together so she can help with his injuries.

The texting was just banter between friends, he said, even though she was telling him lots of personal things which one would only share with very close friends. He would not agree to stop ­seeing her for treatment. 

I think she has been leading him to believe she has magical healing hands to soothe his aches and pains — not forgetting her fees as well.

However, he agreed the texting was at times too personal and it would stop.

My husband was frank with me for a while but I sense that they have started contacting each other again — or has it ever stopped?

I have tried to see things his way but it is not easy with him being secretive, and with her ­constantly in the background.

Can a man have an innocent friendship with a single female who can be quite needy, has no ­boundaries professionally and as a person, does not care about ­any consequences that could affect a marriage and family? 

KELLY 

This week Bel advises a woman who fears her personal trainer could be interested in her husband after the pair exchanged a series of ‘personal’ text messages

Recently I read an interesting discussion (on an online chat forum for men) which debated whether friendships between men and women can be truly innocent.

Some chaps said ‘there always must be something there’. Others were convinced that men and women can be good mates with no sex in the air at all.

Of course, I know both views are ‘the truth’. An ‘innocent friendship’ between a man and a women can develop from an initial ­flirtation yet remain platonic; on the other hand, old friends can become lovers. There are no rules.

But let me bring in another ­letter here. This is from ‘Anja’ who says: ‘I found out when I was eight months pregnant that my husband was in regular contact with another woman during the first six months of us dating.

‘When I saw the messages he forgot to delete I was incensed. He would stay up until 2am writing to her and suggest coffee even though he was seeing me. He says they were just talking and calls me bipolar for being mad at him. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still furious but he just laughs it off with, ‘Well, nothing we can do about it now’.

‘His attitude makes me angrier and I feel I can’t trust him as I did before I discovered his betrayal. During one of our fights about this I even threatened divorce. Am I over-reacting? Did he cheat?’

I told you there are no rules — but will withdraw that right now. The vital rule in an avowedly committed ­relationship is to treat the person you love in the way that you yourself want to be treated.

That is the golden mantra of ­ethics, of religion and of love. Kelly and Anja, you are ­writing about mere suspicion, with no proof infidelity has happened.

But at the same time you have good reason to be annoyed because you have been disregarded by a man whose attention was elsewhere when he should have been focusing on your (and his) children.

Your heart tells you that a partner who is flirting and giving his ­attention elsewhere is unfaithful in spirit, if not in the flesh.

Such a partner is treating you with disrespect. That can lead quite easily to contempt — which is fatal to any partnership.

And by the way, using the serious term ‘bipolar’ to sneer at a jealous partner seems to me to be very low indeed.

As you, Kelly, suggest in your last sentence, the world is full of women who are cavalier about breaking up committed ­relationships and marriages, even when there are children. It has always been the case and always will be — but let’s not ­forget that dangerously exciting sexual behaviour (even with no sex) intoxicates both genders.

This is a problem as old as humanity — and therefore I have no solution. The question is, how to manage the situation? Surely you need to stay calm, focus on what you want (the marriage) and act strategically.

Getting to know the other woman can help. It may sound silly, but if a woman who seems to threaten your marriage knows you as a ­person and not just as ‘the wife’ it can inhibit reckless ­behaviour. Just a thought.

Another strategy is to shrug and say, ‘Fine, you carry on — and you won’t mind if I go out with X for a drink, will you?’ X being a guy you like. I’m a great believer in the low ­cunning that turns you into a survivor, not a victim. Good luck to you both. But be cool, not angry.

Heartless sister is making me ill

Dear Bel,

Twenty-five years ago, I returned to the family home after a relationship ­ended. I always intended to move on, but my father became terminally ill and I stayed, taking on all bills and responsibility for my mother.

Initially she was quite independent and we could both pursue our own interests. I met someone (now my partner of 20 years) and juggled our relationship (between our respective homes) and my responsibilities towards my mother.

However, since retiring three years ago, I’ve given up a challenging career to become a full-time carer for a (now) difficult, confused, ­controlling and critical 90- year-old parent.

This has affected my relationship with my partner and my own physical health, because I overeat and drink as a way of self-soothing. I often feel very desperate, sad and alone, and not sure how (or if) I’ll cope in future. Luckily I have friends in similar circumstances, so we have a therapeutic moan and giggle.

My married older sister (a distance away) regards our mother as my sole responsibility. She ­considers weekly telephone calls ­sufficient and I find it impossible to engage with her about our mother’s care.

I cannot arrange short breaks without my sister’s co-operation, given grudgingly as she must care for our mother in my absence.

I feel very resentful towards my sister. What can I do to preserve my own health, sanity and relationship with my mother and my patient partner without compromising my relationship with my sister? How can I encourage her to be more co-operative?

CAROL   

As you say (in your uncut email) many people will recognise this stressful and sad situation.

You gave as your subject: Who cares for the carers? This question will become more urgent since so many babyboomers are now growing old.

You went home for a brief respite all those years ago but became ambushed by family love and duty. And there you are still, feeling sad and and angry with the sister who doesn’t seem to care.

It is not my place to console you with the kind of sincere platitudes about the sanctity of the family that drive people mad when ground down by the needs of aged parents. I wouldn’t dream of it. This subject is too serious. In fact, it’s so serious it reduces me to a feeling of helplessness because there are no easy answers.

Your central question concerns your sister, but first I must remind readers that carers do have a support network. The website of Carers UK informs us that 72 per cent of carers in the UK have suffered mental ill-health (like you) as a result of their caring duties. I hope you have looked carefully at their website, joined the forum to see how others feel, and noted the advice.

   

More from Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail…

That said, you really must take care of yourself. It worries me that you are using caring for your mother as an excuse (yes, I’ll be tough) for indulging in food and alcohol and harming your own health. You may not feel in control of your life but this is one thing you can control.

Really. You need to enlist the help of your devoted partner to work out a different way of living: a diet, exercise, generally taking care of yourself for your own sake and for his, too.

He has stuck with you all these years: I’d like you to realise how lucky that is and regard it as the balance to your mother’s demands. Being overweight and hungover will make you even more depressed. Please write back in six weeks’ time and let me know how you’ve changed your eating and drinking.

As for your sister, this is hard. She’s unwilling to do more and I don’t know how you change people. You are entitled to a holiday away with your ¬partner, so I can only suggest that if your sister doesn’t want to stay for more than a couple of days, she help you organise respite care.

Your mother might complain but that is something you must learn to weather. If you see yourself as the victim of your circumstances, you will become angrier with your sister and your mother.

The first person to help the carer must, ultimately, be the carer him or herself. You need to exercise a little selfishness – because without that you are in danger of losing all your sense of self-worth. 

And finally… 

No birthday presents,’ said my husband, ‘I just want to go somewhere with you.’

I thought of boutique hotels with posh restaurants — then stopped. This wasn’t about me, was it? What magical mystery tour would be his treat?

It was a trip to the glorious English Midlands. A good, reasonable hotel, the Manor Hotel in leafy Meriden — the latter once being the home of ­ Triumph motorcycles.

Our first stop was the wonderful National Motorcycle Museum at Solihull — a temple to the once-great British motorcycle industry, with which we led the world from 1898 to the 1960s.

I was delighted to find the museum’s still a family-run affair, with warm, delightful staff — and that the stories of nearly a thousand fascinating bikes, historic photographs, a good cafe and shop make the visit a joy for any non-biker partner. Of course Robin ­(currently rebuilding a 1962 Matchless) was in heaven.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. 

Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. 

A pseudonym will be used if you wish. 

Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Our next visit was Coventry Cathedral — a place of breath-taking creativity, history and spirituality everyone should visit at least once. My parents took me when it opened in 1962. I was 16 then and already ­passionate about art, as well as fervently anti-war.

I still remember being deeply moved by the ruins of the old cathedral (destroyed by the Luftwaffe in 1940) and the ­blazing glory of the new. Now that same awe and wonder shone in my husband’s eyes, seeing it for the first time.

Motorcycles, art and architecture, history . . . then a National Trust property: Baddesley Clinton, near Warwick. Happily we explored the medieval moated manor house and gardens on a perfect summer day . . . and I was confirmed in two beliefs. 

First, that you don’t need to fly to expensive exotic places —because Britain has everything. Second, that a marriage is kept alive when you think what your partner would most like to do, then share it. Followed by a decent dinner and a bottle of wine, of course. 

Sorry we are not currently accepting comments on this article.



Read more at DailyMail.co.uk