Renault Koleos
Signature dCI 175
( …and a half)
There is no point in beating around the bush here. With next week’s column already spoken for, starring our top ten cars of 2017, this is our last regular review column before Santa takes to his sleigh.
Which, I regret to say, is not as inspiring as one might have hoped, mainly due to the car. The Renault Koleos is, at best, average. With this in mind, therefore, I propose we intersperse the Koleos review with killer Christmas tips guaranteed to help your festive celebrations sparkle even more brightly.
Koleos What does the word Koleos actually mean? In Greek it’s ‘sheath’, apparently, or if you prefer a Latin interpretation, how about ‘testicle’. That’s all I could find. No, I have no idea either.
What does the word Koleos actually mean? In Greek it’s ‘sheath’, apparently. No, I have no idea either
Christmas Employ all available household radiators as temporary plate-warmers, as the oven will already have its work cut out and the kitchen will have become a general exclusion zone.
Koleos Even though from most angles it seems relatively contemporary and the paint job has a nice, high-end metallic finish to it, there is little to grab one’s attention.
Christmas Use the tops of double radiators as temporary wrapping paper dispensers.
Koleos The fully automated tailgate reveals substantial luggage space – more than adequate for most families’ requirements, although the retractable privacy cover is a bit hit-and-miss and fiddly to deploy.
Christmas For a far less messy transfer from car to house, swaddle your Christmas tree in an old duvet cover.
Koleos The fold-down seat backs are operated via two manual levers on either side of the boot compartment. These are cumbersome and awkward to operate.
Christmas Chop a thin disc off the bottom of your tree every year and begin a collection of dated festive place mats, from Christmases gone by.
Even though from most angles it seems relatively contemporary and the paint job has a nice, high-end metallic finish to it, there is little to grab one’s attention
The central function screen is bordering on archaic by today’s standards. The menus suffer from a transatlantic delay
The fold-down seat backs are operated via two manual levers on either side of the boot compartment. These are cumbersome and awkward to operate
Koleos In the rear passenger compartment, the first thing you notice is how deep the seat cushions are, making them extremely comfortable. All rather wonderful, unless you are the poor unfortunate who has to sit in the middle, where it feels like the lumbar support is fully wound into your back and headroom is reduced to elf height.
Christmas To avoid nail damage, use a hair-dryer to sweat off bothersome sticky price labels from gifts before wrapping.
Koleos The overall feel and theme of the interior is unimaginative and uninspiring. For example, the ambient lighting comes across more as an afterthought than as an intrinsic part of any ambitious, grand design.
Christmas When decorating your tree, pin little photographs of absent family and friends to the branches so they can still be part of all the usual shenanigans.
Koleos Up front there is a brace of extremely comfortable thrones for the driver and his mate to sink into, but once again this is juxtaposed with a lack of attention to detail elsewhere. Like the rather confused and deluded sliding central armrest, which has a tendency to block the cup-holders and snag anything plugged into the USB sockets.
Christmas To serve the perfect gravy, Grandma Win suggests popping it in a teapot! It’s big enough to serve all the family and the lid keeps it warm. Genius.
Koleos The central function screen is bordering on archaic by today’s standards. The menus suffer from a transatlantic delay and at one point the satnav buffering saw me halfway to my destination before it could figure out where I was and begin calculating a route.
Christmas Use the squint Christmas tree light test. Once you have hung your lights, turn all other lights off, stand back and squint to spot any bare patches. Amazing!
Koleos The heating controls seem to be caught up in the calamitous world of the Koleos’s Heath Robinson yesteryear and are almost painfully difficult to operate compared with most other modern systems.
Christmas When wrapping presents, always use a Pritt Stick to hold the paper in place before you get to grips with the sticky tape.
Koleos When it comes to firing up the slightly van-like-sounding diesel engine, unless the clutch pedal is buried deep into the carpet, the starter motor will not want to know. Once up and running, however, the 177hp available – backed up by a mighty 380Nm of torque – means there’s surprisingly little hanging around. This, despite the incumbent drivetrain drag of a 4×4 system.
Christmas Place ice cubes in dents in the carpet made by furniture that has been moved around. Twenty-four hours later, no dents!
Koleos The six-speed manual gearbox is not the smoothest in the world. Apparently there is a much friendlier seven-speed auto box out there somewhere. The brakes are adequate. The handling is OK.
Up front there is a brace of extremely comfortable thrones for the driver and his mate to sink into, but this is juxtaposed with a lack of attention to detail elsewhere
At circa £27k on the road, the Koleos would still qualify as a solid four-star car, but with extras our car came in at £34,310
When it comes to firing up the slightly van-like-sounding diesel engine, unless the clutch pedal is buried deep into the carpet, the starter motor will not want to know
Christmas Rest the turkey for at least an hour before even thinking about getting the carving knife out.
Koleos In conclusion: average when it comes to practicality, not good at all when it comes to tech, but excellent for comfort and space (but only for four, not five). At circa £27k on the road, the Koleos would still qualify as a solid four-star car, but with extras our car came in at £34,310. In which case, cue the chomping of rivals such as the Nissan X-Trail, Kia Sorento and Skoda Karoq.
Christmas Achtung, achtung, achtung! Achoo, achoo, achoo! Cough, splutter, snort! This is your official warning that you only have seven days to acquire and get rid of the nation’s annual, mandatory Christmas cold before the big day. I caught mine from Adam Clayton of U2, gave it to my wife and she passed it on to the kids. Rock ’n’ roll and vapour rub.
In the meantime, happy holidays, my friends, and lots of love to you and yours. Normal service will be resumed back here on New Year’s Eve with the brand-new Kia Stinger, the Korean firm’s first-ever luxe sports limo. Can’t wait.