CHRISTOPHER STEVENS WEEKEND TV: The dodgy gymnasts in Van Der Valk couldn’t clear a hurdle

Van Der Valk 

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Ancient Egypt By Train

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Your starter for ten, students of pop. What have these people got in common: James Coburn, Michael Parkinson, Kenny Lynch, Clement Freud, John Conteh and Christopher Lee?

Dressed in black and trapped in a spotlight, they are the criminal crew attempting to escape on the cover of Paul McCartney’s Wings album Band On The Run, half a century ago.

The scene was faithfully recreated, apparently by accident, in Van Der Valk (ITV1), as the Dutch detective rounded up a gang of ‘freerunners’ — urban athletes who used their running-and-jumping talents to retrieve consignments of drugs from dockyard containers.

They made less than convincing fugitives, pinned in police headlights against a 6ft fence, and frozen to the spot — incapable of clearing a hurdle, never mind jumping bail.

The scene was faithfully recreated, apparently by accident, in Van Der Valk (ITV1), as the Dutch detective rounded up a gang of ‘freerunners’

They made less than convincing fugitives, pinned in police headlights against a 6ft fence, and frozen to the spot — incapable of clearing a hurdle, never mind jumping bail

They made less than convincing fugitives, pinned in police headlights against a 6ft fence, and frozen to the spot — incapable of clearing a hurdle, never mind jumping bail

The whole episode was odd and unbelievable. It was as if someone had a vision of police chasing a bunch of dodgy gymnasts, and couldn’t think what else to do with this bright idea.

When a sniper opened fire through a hospital window at a patient, Commissaris Van Der Valk (Marc Warren) sprang to the girl’s rescue by pulling the cotton curtain around her bed. Bullet-proof drapes — you don’t get those with the NHS.

Half an hour later, sax-playing pathologist Hendrik (Darrell D’Silva) embarked on a long and repetitive explanation of how a bullet can penetrate two layers of bone. He didn’t tell us why gunfire bounces off cotton.

More unlikely still, new recruit Eddie (Azan Ahmed) challenged Van Der Valk to an open-air game of chess, and trounced him, announcing mate in four — but kept silent when his boss doubted his word.

Any chess aficionado knows that, when a player can force checkmate, nothing on earth will prevent him from demonstrating the fact. Sweep away the pieces, hide the board, stick your fingers in your ears… he’ll find a way of compelling you to admit he’s won.

The two-hour show lost its last shred of credibility just after the halfway mark, when Eddie casually revealed he was vegan.

This clearly wasn’t true. No vegan in history has ever waited so long to announce the fact.

All this is a pity, because the Amsterdam backdrops are as seedily picturesque as ever, and writer Chris Murray’s script is shot through with clever lines.

Django Chan-Reeves as Sgt Citra Li, the squad’s other newcomer, sauntered into a bar and requested a ‘triple venti sweet no-fat caramel macchiato’. What she got was coffee like sump oil, with a splash of vodka.

And when Van Der Valk was asked to take Sgt Li under his wing, he retorted: ‘I’m a detective, not a hen.’

Four vulture goddesses took King Tutenkhamun under their wings, spreading their feathered arms around his sarcophagus, as archaeologist Alice Roberts discovered, exploring Ancient Egypt By Train (Ch4)

Four vulture goddesses took King Tutenkhamun under their wings, spreading their feathered arms around his sarcophagus, as archaeologist Alice Roberts discovered, exploring Ancient Egypt By Train (Ch4)

This fascinating series has proved there’s no one better at breathing life into dusty ruins than Prof Alice

This fascinating series has proved there’s no one better at breathing life into dusty ruins than Prof Alice

Four vulture goddesses took King Tutenkhamun under their wings, spreading their feathered arms around his sarcophagus, as archaeologist Alice Roberts discovered, exploring Ancient Egypt By Train (Ch4).

We think of vultures as preying on the dead. But in the time of the pharaohs, they were protectors, she explained — pointing to the headdress of Queen Nefertari, which enfolded her in a pair of delicately carved wings.

This fascinating series has proved there’s no one better at breathing life into dusty ruins than Prof Alice. As she delved into the tomb of King Seti, who lived more than 3,000 years ago, she gasped: ‘What incredible artists! I am just blown away by the artisans who made this.’

But the most extraordinary snippet of all was casually dropped into the show by Prof Sarah Parcak, who commented that Pharaoh Pepi II ruled for more than 90 years.

He lived to be 100. That’s very old to be a first-time mummy.

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