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CRAIG BROWN: Malaria? I don’t even know her. All your health questions answered by Dr Donald 

Q: I’m struggling with obesity, and would like to lose weight. Any tips, Dr Donald?

DR DONALD Says: It just takes commonsense, and all the historians will tell you I have more commonsense than any other President ever in the history of the world.

Fact: I have more commonsense than I know what to do with. I have so much commonsense it’s pouring out of my ears.

DR DONALD Says: I have been proven to have some of the best skin in the world. I tan naturally, a beautiful, beautiful golden glow, so beautiful, they tell me it’s like honey. Or marmalade

It’s well known — you fight obesity with food, as many burgers as you can eat, five, six, seven times a day, and don’t hold back on the french fries. That’s how I’ve managed to stay so slim. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the body of a 20-year-old gold-medal athlete looking back.

I told this to my doctor and you know what? He said he just couldn’t believe it. Next question!

Q: In this recent spell of hot weather, I’ve been suffering from sunburn. What’s the best way to protect my skin from the sun?

DR DONALD Says: I have been proven to have some of the best skin in the world. I tan naturally, a beautiful, beautiful golden glow, so beautiful, they tell me it’s like honey. Or marmalade.

Losers like you who need protection need to get some sun lotion. It comes in a little tube. The rest is commonsense. You just squeeze a whole lot out, then swallow it. Next!

Q: I have an ingrowing toenail. What should I do about it, Dr Donald? DR DONALD SAYS: Nobody knows ingrowing toenails like I do, and that’s a fact

Q: I have an ingrowing toenail. What should I do about it, Dr Donald? DR DONALD SAYS: Nobody knows ingrowing toenails like I do, and that’s a fact

Q: I frequently suffer from panic attacks. How would you recommend reducing them, Dr Donald?

DR DONALD Says: Nobody understands panic attacks better than I do. I have such tremendous experience. Wherever I go, whatever I do, people start having panic attacks. So sad.

So when you feel one coming on, there’s only one way to deal with it: you’ve got to scare it away. Enter a dark room, have someone leap out at you, screaming.

Drive at high speed with your eyes shut. Stand on a high ledge and threaten to jump. Just show your panic attack who’s boss.

Q: I am currently down with malaria. Any advice, Dr Donald? DR DONALD Says: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I never even met Malaria

Q: I am currently down with malaria. Any advice, Dr Donald? DR DONALD Says: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I never even met Malaria

Q: I have an ingrowing toenail. What should I do about it, Dr Donald?

DR DONALD SAYS: Nobody knows ingrowing toenails like I do, and that’s a fact. When I visit our top medical facilities, the doctors and experts all agree, no question, I’m the world’s top go-to guy on everything to do with toenails, in-growing, out-growing, every-which-way, it’s not even close.

I get so many toenails coming up to me, and saying, ‘We’re some of the top toenails in this great nation and, you know what, we can’t believe you know so much about us’. So now I’m the highest- rated in all the world. 

What was your question?

Q: But what should I do about my ingrowing toenail?

DR DONALD Says: So, first you tell it to back off, then if it refuses you get your handgun and you shoot it off, no question. That’s a pretty powerful cure. 

And just look at Virginia, and those crazy states where they want to take your guns away, they want to violate your second amendment. They take away your guns, your ingrowing toenails go through the roof.

Q: Just to clarify, wouldn’t that mean shooting off my toe, too?

DR DONALD Says: So now the cry-baby’s whining about losing a toe! I cure his ingrowing toenail for him, great cure, and he’s still complaining. 

Biggest loser ever. By the way, nobody understands ingrowing toenails like I do. 

Just shoot it off. And my fantastic friends in the medical profession tell me that, three, four months, toes always grow back, so what’s the problem? Next question!

Q: I frequently suffer from panic attacks. How would you recommend reducing them, Dr Donald? DR DONALD Says: Nobody understands panic attacks better than I do. I have such tremendous experience

Q: I frequently suffer from panic attacks. How would you recommend reducing them, Dr Donald? DR DONALD Says: Nobody understands panic attacks better than I do. I have such tremendous experience

Q: My children are suffering from headlice. Tips, please, Dr Donald, on how to deal with them.

DR DONALD Says: Tell them to go away. And not to come back until they’ve got rid of all their headlice.

Your children are so stupid and weak, total losers. You know how I deal with headlice?

I go to the guy at the top, the Head Louse.

If he refuses to go away and take all HIS guys with him, I get out a hammer and hit him so hard, right there on my head.

Q: I am currently down with malaria. Any advice, Dr Donald?

DR DONALD Says: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I never even met Malaria. Never knew her, never spoke to her, never touched her. FAKE NEWS!

Read more at DailyMail.co.uk