Ant & Dec’s DNA Journey
Sunday & Monday, ITV
Ant Middleton And Liam Payne: Straight Talking
Tuesday, Sky One
Rating: 
Ant & Dec’s DNA Journey was shown across two nights and amounted to three hours of television that went on and on and on and on as the pair were introduced to roomfuls of distant cousins either in Ireland or America and if it had been me I’d have been furious. Great. Now they know I have a nice house in London they’re all going to want to stay, aren’t they? However, both boys did appear thrilled, although whether they’ll be as thrilled when fourth cousin Fran, 17 times removed, lands on their doorstep saying she’s booked The Mousetrap for tomorrow night but otherwise she’s free, we don’t know.
Ant and Dec on their DNA journey. The genealogical revelations were, actually, quite workaday – we’re all related, if you go back far enough
The show was essentially the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are? for those under an ITV contract and to my mind it had a clear purpose: to rehabilitate the duo prior to the new series of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here, which begins tonight and was promoted in all the ad breaks. Last year, you will remember, Anthony McPartlin was fined £86,000 and given a 20-month driving ban after he crashed into a car containing a couple and their four-year-old child while twice over the legal alcohol limit. This was the elephant in the room for much of the first episode.
Yeah, yeah, I’m sure Declan’s great-great-great-grandfather had a hard life, but it was 1702 or whenever, so didn’t everybody? Oh dear, sorry about whomever it was who deserted during the Crimean War but what about the car and alcohol and the crash? To be fair, while it was never alluded to specifically, we were eventually told that filming had been put on hold while Ant went into rehab ‘to deal with his addictions’. And then they spoke about how Ant’s behaviour had ‘tested’ their relationship and Dec feared he’d have to go out on his own ‘and the thought of that filled me with absolute fear’. But then it was business as usual and off to New York and yet another room full of distant cousins who may want to stay. (Give the wrong address!)
The genealogical revelations were, actually, quite workaday – we’re all related, if you go back far enough – and it certainly did go on and on and it was redemption entirely on their terms but even so I can’t say I wasn’t warmed by their genuine and glorious friendship, or struck by the fact they are such brilliant TV naturals.
One last thing, though. I did find I was much more interested in Ant’s relationship with his dad today – he had left when Ant was little and they are only starting to re-connect – than I ever was in the fact he may be descended from some sixth-century Irish king.
Ant Middleton, the SAS: Who Dares Wins star, is not such a TV natural, and is so bulked up across the shoulders these days his head looks like a bearded pea. But that’s by the by. His new show is a rip-off of Running Wild With Bear Grylls, when a celebrity’s survival skills are tested, except no survival skills were actually tested, weirdly.
Ant Middleton And Liam Payne: Straight Talking was set in Namibia – as is Scarlett Moffatt’s latest reality series; what has Namibia ever done to deserve this? – but it could have been Hampshire, as all Payne was required to do was carry a tree branch to the camp I don’t think they actually slept in, as I didn’t see any sleeping bags or tents or anything.
At the outset Middleton set out his stall: ‘I’m a former Special Forces operator… I saw intense combat in Afghanistan and am highly trained in tactical questioning and am going to be using some of my techniques to interview my guest, Liam Payne.’
This seemed like taking a hammer to crack a nut, given Payne is the one from One Direction who isn’t even the most popular one from One Direction. Payne was nervous: ‘I’m about to be interviewed by someone experienced at interrogations,’ he said. ‘For God’s sake, man, you were in a boy band, not Mossad!’ I wanted to say. You did wonder what was in it for Payne, until he put on some music in their car from his new album. Which comes out on December 6.
Liam Payne and Ant Middleton in Namibia. You did wonder what was in it for Payne, until he put on some music in their car from his new album. Which comes out on December 6
Anyway, Middleton’s training in tactical questioning was put to good use when he asked questions like ‘What do you like about being on tour?’ and ‘What’s it like going solo?’ and ‘How are things with Cheryl at the moment?’. Payne had a son (now two) with Cheryl (Tweedy) before they split up. Middleton said a good way to ‘win someone’s trust’ was to tell them if you have been through a similar experience. So he told Payne: ‘I had a child at 20 and left my first wife when he was three months old.’ Oh… how endearing?
Lastly, he concluded with, ‘I’ve seen a side of Liam that surprised, impressed and humbled me.’ Well, you’re on your own there, mate, I have to say.