The new bake off that wasn’t the new new bake off Award
The Big Family Cooking Showdown (BBC2) wins this year, by virtue of not being the ‘New Bake Off’ at all. The ‘New Bake Off’ was, in fact, the old Bake Off, which merrily survived its transition to Channel 4. This year, the BBC will be offering Britain’s Best Cook with Mary Berry, which could be a strong contender for the new Bake Off that isn’t the new Bake Off for 2018… good luck!
The Gift That Keeps On Giving Award
Gogglebox, The Graham Norton Show, First Dates, The Supervet, MasterChef… impossible to call. However, if we were to narrow it down to The Gift That Keeps On Giving Presented By Someone Whom You Would Like To Sweep You Off Your Feet, it would have to go to… MasterChef! I’m toying with you. It’s The Supervet. He’s a vet and totally super. He’d sweep you off your feet, and fix the dog. Just think of the money you’d save.
The Best Line In A Drama Award: ‘The Queen is dancing, sir! With an African!’
The Chris Packham Award For Just Being Chris Packham, As That Is Entirely Sufficient
Chris Packham wins for the 56th year running, despite the stiff competition. Well done, Chris!
The TV Character That Continues To Give You The Most Worry Award
This is Gordon, the hypochondriac who kept turning up at the GP surgery where Dr Foster worked, but she was always too busy to see him. A very busy woman, Dr Foster. She had an ex-husband to stalk, chase around town and destroy. She had a teenage son to traumatise. And there was also the hate-sex on the kitchen countertop to factor in. So how is Gordon? Do we know? Does his hair still ‘hurt’? Are his arms still ‘too heavy’, or can he lift them yet? If not, can he get himself dressed in the mornings? Can he lift a drink to his mouth or is he in danger of dehydration? Might he have recovered and be suffering from something else? A cough that thinks it’s Beyoncé? I do so worry about him. You’d tell me, right, if you had any news?
Award For Person Whose Approval You Most Crave
David Attenborough. His Blue Planet II showed us what we are doing to the oceans – all that plastic! The whale with a bucket over its head! – and now we must win back his approval somehow. Runner up is Ted ‘wee fella’ Hastings from Line Of Duty, who is so fine and so upstanding that if he ever disapproved of you, it might as well be the end of the world.
The Looming Balloon Wine Glass Award goes to Anna, from Doctor Foster
Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes, is likely to win a real award
The Looming Balloon Wine Glass Award (sponsored by Waterford)
This goes to Anna, from Doctor Foster, who was forever looming with her balloon wine glass. Draw your curtains at night. Check the shed, your cellar, the front garden. You just never know where she’ll be looming, ballooningly, next.
The ‘oh hell, If Rape Drama Is Now A Genre We’d Better See About An Award’ Award
If we must accept ‘rape drama’ as a genre, then our nominees are Apple Tree Yard, Broadchurch and Liar. This would have been a furiously contested category if only Apple Tree Yard hadn’t been the clear winner. Emily Watson was superb. The twists and turns were horrifyingly unexpected. It was morally complex. And the woman at the centre, Yvonne, was, ultimately, not a victim. By the end I wanted to stand on my chair and applaud her.
Best Comedy character who Also Breaks Your Heart Award
Chabuddy G from People Just Do Nothing. He is a brilliant comedy character. Who also breaks your heart.
This year, the BBC will be offering Britain’s Best Cook with Mary Berry, which could be a strong contender for the new Bake Off that isn’t the new Bake Off for 2018… good luck!
The Best Drama By Far Award Featuring Oranges and Funny Hats
The Handmaid’s Tale. Hopefully, after a year of universal critical praise, adulation from millions of fans, as well as sweeping the boards at the Emmys and Golden Globes, this award will give it the vindication it so desperately needs. Praise be. Blessed are the fruit.
The RIP Aunt Agatha Award For Questionable Paternity
Little Valentine, from Poldark, who may be the son of Ross, but may also be the son of Full-On Evil George. If, on his first day of nursery, he takes off his top and heads straight for Scything Corner, then I guess we will know. (Meanwhile, The Angry Baking Award goes yet again to Demelza, as does the When In Doubt Make A Kidney Pie Award.)
Show Most Begging to Be Euthanised Award
The X Factor, The X Factor, The X Factor, The X Factor, The X Factor, and just so we are all entirely clear: The X Factor. And just so there is no room for doubt: The X Factor. Take ‘Factor’ and put ‘The’ and ‘X’ in front of it. This is the show that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANY MORE. (These are the exact same words from last year because 1) it saves time, and, 2) we’ll just keep saying it until someone listens.)
If we must accept ‘rape drama’ as a genre, then our nominees are Apple Tree Yard (pictured), Broadchurch and Liar
The Mumble-Whisper Award for Mumbled Whispering
You keep rewinding because you didn’t catch what they just said. Is it you? You turn the volume up to max. You stick your ear to the television. You still can’t catch what they just said. Jamaica Inn won in 2014, and has also won every year since, despite not being reshown. However, this year we have a new winner, SS-GB, the drama based on the Len Deighton novel, which had you rewinding, cursing, turning the volume up to max, sticking your ear to the television. So if the Nazis had occupied Britain, what? No one would have been able to hear anyone else?
The Best Line In A Drama Award
‘The Queen is dancing, sir! With an African!’ (The Crown).
The National Television Awards are held on Tuesday, and shown on ITV, Tuesday, 7.30pm
Who’ll win the real National TV Awards (and who should)
Best Drama Shortlist
Call The Midwife, Casualty, Doctor Foster, Game Of Thrones, Liar.
What should win Doctor Foster, which was just so grippingly crazy.
What will win Call The Midwife probably. Or, as they say at Nonnatus House, ‘Hopefully we’ll never run out of Social Issues Of The Week or we’ll be stuffed.’
Call The Midwife is shortlisted for Best Drama
Best Entertainment Shortlist
Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, The Graham Norton Show, Celebrity Juice, All Round To Mrs Brown’s.
What should win The Graham Norton Show, whose guests are so A-list that if they were any more A-list there wouldn’t be a letter in the alphabet to cover them.
Who will win Ant and Dec. Audiences never seem to tire of their shtick, inexplicably.
The Graham Norton Show has the most A-list guests
Crime Drama Shortlist
Line Of Duty, Broadchurch, Little Boy Blue, Sherlock.
What should win Not Broadchurch, not Sherlock.
What will win Broadchurch or Sherlock, given how useless I am at predicting these awards.
Best Comedy Shortlist
Peter Kay’s Car Share, Benidorm, Still Open All Hours, The Big Bang Theory.
What should win People Just Do Nothing.
OK, what should win despite not being nominated Again, People Just Do Nothing.
Best Challenge Show Shortlist
The Great British Bake Off, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, MasterChef, Love Island.
What should win GBBO, out of respect for its bombproof format.
What will win I’m A Celebrity. Because it always does.
People Just Do Nothing SHOULD win the Best Comedy