COMMONS AS MUCK
1. To which song did Theresa May make her entrance at the Tory Party Conference?
A Dancing Queen
B I’m Still Standing
C It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To
D Europe: The Final Countdown
2. What blunder did Jeremy Hunt make soon after becoming Foreign Secretary?
A Mistook the President of Kyrgyzstan for the guy who had come to fix his wi-fi
B Told Chinese officials ‘My wife is Japanese’ when she is Chinese
C Announced a new ambassador for Westeros, the fictional realm of Game Of Thrones
D Called the EU President by his unflattering nickname, Jean-Claude Drunker
Prime Minister Theresa May dancing as she arrives on stage to make her keynote speech in Birmingham
3. What was the slogan on the Nigel Farage-branded condoms genuinely on sale at the Ukip conference?
A For when you have a hard Brexit
B For when withdrawal is not enough
C Now this is a barrier to trade you’ll welcome
D Because it’s not just our borders that should be protected
4. What unflattering nickname did short-lived Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab earn?
A Raab C. Brexit
B A load of Raabish
C The D’ohver Dunce after he admitted he didn’t realise how important the Kent port was for trade with the EU
D Dom and Dumber
5. What did Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta call Boris Johnson?
A Doris Bonson
B ‘A legendary swordsman’
C ‘Erm, Bicycle Guy’
D Something we cannot print in a family newspaper
6. Who threatened legal action against Jacob Rees-Mogg and why?
A His son Sextus for giving him such a ridiculous name
B The producers of Star Trek, since Sextus is the name of a deserted planet in their series
C The Beano comic, claiming he has modelled himself on its character Walter the Softy
D The Post Office because he over-estimated the number of letters they would have to deliver expressing no confidence in Theresa May when his first putsch failed
Question six asks: ‘Who threatened legal action against Jacob Rees-Mogg and why?’
7. What was introduced in Scotland in a bid to improve life expectancy?
A Salad
B Minimum price for alcohol
C Wild dogs to chase overweight people through the streets of Glasgow
D The gluten-free, deep-fried Mars Bar
8. Why did MP Naz Shah bring a sick bucket into Parliament?
A Because she was ill but still had to attend the Commons for a crunch Brexit vote
B She mistakenly picked it up instead of her handbag as she dashed out of her office
C To make a point about John McDonnell’s insincerity
D Because you never know when you’re going to run into the Speaker
9. What was renamed in a Commons restaurant?
A Brussels sprouts became Brexit Baubles as we took back control
B Spotted Dick became Spotted Richard so as not to cause offence
C A side-order of carrots became ‘the orange order’ at the insistence of the newly emboldened DUP
D Millionaire’s shortbread becomes The Worker’s Biscuit after Jeremy Corbyn complained that the old name was a propaganda tool for the capitalist elite
IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, WORLD
10. Why did Kim Jong Un take a toilet with him to the historic Singapore summit with South Korea?
A Because its seat had been specially moulded to fit the Dear Leader’s imperious buttocks
B Because he feared his enemies could examine his excretions to get information about his health
C Because he feared the South Koreans might booby-trap the WC, with explosives or – worse – try the old ‘cellophane over the seat’ gag
D It is a specially small model, made to make the dictator feel big
The ‘Donald Trump Baby Blimp’ was spotted flying over Parliament Square during a protest in London this year
11. Why was Cairo’s International Garden zoo accused of duping visitors?
A Because it painted black stripes on a donkey to make it look like a zebra
B Because all the cages in the ‘camouflage in the natural world’ exhibit were empty
C Stick insects were actual sticks with googly eyes glued on
D Fake gnus
12. Which of these songs has Donald Trump used as warm-up music for his rallies?
A Wonderwall
B I Am What I Am
C Macho Man
D The Russian national anthem
13. When Donald Trump asked to borrow a Van Gogh from New York’s Guggenheim museum, what was their reported response?
A To turn a deaf ear
B To offer him a gold toilet instead
C To send him a poster of the piece in the belief he wouldn’t notice the difference
D To say yes, if he could spell ‘Guggenheim’ correctly. Their masterpiece was safe…
14. Why did Denmark ban fake beards?
A Clampdown on the backstreet Santas fleecing tourists
B As an anti-pollution move as 87 per cent of fake beards end up in the oceans
C Because protesters had taken to mocking the hirsute finance minister by donning their own beards made of spaghetti
D Accidental fallout, as all face coverings had to be outlawed to ensure that a ban on burkas wasn’t discriminatory
Actress Jodie Whittaker played the first ever female Doctor Who in 2018
CRIME AND, VERY OCCASIONALLY, PUNISHMENT
15. How did Jeremy Corbyn get tough on law and order?
A By stating his position was that ‘I am very clear that crime is, of course, wrong’
B By saying anti-Semites should be punished to the full extent of having to spend 15 minutes on the naughty step
C By calling for more county lines – mistakenly thinking that the term for cross-county drug-dealing was a Radio 3 programme featuring bucolic poetry
D By calling for sharia law
16. Which of these did police investigate as hate crimes in 2018?
A An elderly woman honking her car horn
B A Facebook user who told a woman she looked liked Peter Griffin from the TV cartoon Family Guy
C A ‘racist’ dog’s bark
D All of the above
send in the crowns
17. Which of these was a genuine Royal Wedding souvenir?
A Special edition Sharpie pens called Meghan’s Markers
B Commemorative marijuana, called Royally Grown, released by Meghan’s nephew
C Harry Putter, a new club for Royalist golf fanatics
D The Michael Curry – a Lidl ready-meal with a fiery recipe in honour of the bishop who gave such a memorable address
This year’s Strictly Come Dancing saw This Morning’s Doctor Ranj demonstrate his flair for dance
18. What did Thomas Markle make Prince Harry promise before giving the wedding his blessing?
A To set him up on a date with Fergie
B To send him a souvenir Windsor Castle snow globe
C To make him the Duke of Coolshire
D To never raise a hand to his daughter
19. Who did Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby quote when he was asked about his preparations for the Royal Wedding?
A Thomas Aquinas
B Stormy Daniels
C Barry Chuckle
D Grime star Stormzy
20. Who was Prince Louis named after?
A Louis Mountbatten
B Louis Vuitton
C Louis Armstrong
D Prince
THESE CHANGING TIMES
21. Which of the following were NOT accused of ‘cultural appropriation’?
A Strictly Come Dancing for featuring a Mexican-style Day of the Dead theme for its Halloween episode
B Jamie Oliver for launching ‘jerk rice’
C Haagen-Dazs for its phoney Swedish name
D Kendall Jenner for having big hair – Afro-style, according to critics – in Vogue
22. Which of these was NOT a dangerous challenge that spread across the internet in 2018?
A The Tide Pod challenge, in which people dared each other to ingest poisonous detergent
B The Kiki Challenge, which involved jumping out of a moving car to dance to a Drake song
C The Neymar Challenge, diving to the ground elaborately in the manner of the Brazilian striker
D The Zuckerberg Challenge, in which you had to steal someone’s personal information and sell it to the Russians
Holly Willoughby stepped in for Ant McPartlin in this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here
23. How did the National Trust mark a century of women’s suffrage?
A With an exhibition focused almost exclusively on PM Herbert Asquith, barely mentioning the women who won the vote
B By inviting women to chain themselves to railings in their stately homes in solidarity
C With a commemorative tea towel in the gift shops
D By renaming all their Manor Houses Womanor Houses
24. Which of these measures did Britain’s cash-strapped military genuinely suggest?
A Inflatable tanks to make the enemy think we had more than we really do
B Playing the sound effects of machine guns to scare off advancing troops
C A merger of the regular Army with the Salvation Army
D Replacing hand grenades with small pineapples painted green in the hope that enemy soldiers wouldn’t be stopping to look
25. What are juggins, hobbledehoy, pettifog and fizgig?
A Street urchins in the new Mary Poppins movie
B Royal Protection Squad code names for the Queen’s four children
C Words at danger of being lost from the English language, according to one academic
D Boris Johnson’s nicknames for his, erm, Johnson
26. What insulting term was coined to describe angry, middle-aged white people?
A The Hummus Hamas
B Gammon
C The PROVOS: Perfectly Reasonable Ordinary Voters Outraged by Something
D Ukip
Actress Emily Blunt plays Mary Poppins in the Disney film Mary Poppins Returns
REACH FOR THE STARS
27. Why did Ed Sheeran temporarily stop his concert in Cardiff’s Principality Stadium?
A Because he just had to see who was leaving the Great British Bake Off that night
B Because he messed up the chords to, ironically enough, Perfect
C Because he needed a pee
D Because his ginger skin could take no more than five minutes of sunlight, even in South Wales
28. What did Holly Willoughby use to predict the gender of William and Kate’s third baby?
A A mystic meringue
B A psychic banana
C A supernatural sausage
D An E.S.Pea
England Manager Gareth Southgate conducts fans as they sing their song about him during the 2018 FIFA World Cup
29. Former Family Fortunes presenter Les Dennis had to deny he was behind… what?
A A spate of graffiti in Norwich using his name
B The ‘Is it yanny or laurel?’ internet meme
C Nuisance phone calls, asking 100 people to ‘name a breed of dog’
D Mr Blobby
30. Rapper Ice-T revealed he had never had… what?
A A coffee
B An ice tea
C An elocution lesson
D The faintest idea of what he was rapping about
Question nine asks: ‘What was renamed in a Commons restaurant?’
31. What word did American subtitlers struggle with when Doctor Who star Jodie Whittaker appeared on a late-night talk show?
A Dalek, which they wrote as ‘Darling’
B Her home town of Huddersfield, which they wrote as ‘Hoodezfield’
C The Yorkshire insult ‘wazzock’, which they wrote as ‘wassup?’
D ‘Irony’ – the Americans never understand that
Question 24 asks: ‘Which of these measures did Britain’s cash-strapped military genuinely suggest?’
32. How did Gwyneth Paltrow reveal she was getting married to Glee producer Brad Falchuk?
A By releasing a set of commemorative vagina eggs
B By announcing: ‘I’ve accepted the soul-stretching, pattern-breaking opportunities that are made possible by intimacy’
C By tweeting: ‘I’m getting hitched. Chapel Of The Virgin Dolly Parton And Lucky Star Casino. Vegas. September 29’
D By whispering the news into a lotus flower as she breathed in air shipped from the Himalayan foothills and pressed an acai berry to her bosom to align her spiritual chakras
33. Which of these DIDN’T really happen?
A Danny Dyer completed his PhD in post-structural philosophy
B Former England defender Gary Mabbutt’s foot was eaten by a rat in South Africa
C The Pope said there is no hell
D Barbra Streisand cloned her dog
34. What was the subject of a ‘particularly British’ rant from Benedict Cumberbatch?
A That he’d overheard a duke being addressed as ‘my Lord’ rather than the correct ‘your Grace’
B That a new recipe for Hob-Nobs have left them 16 per cent less stable when dunked
C That Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat had the incorrect number of buttons for a gentleman of his standing
D The fact that camomile is not tea
35. Which new category did the Oscars suggest?
A Best popular picture
B Most worthy liberal virtue-signalling
C Best actress named Meryl Streep
D Best performance by an actor pretending to be shocked at what Harvey Weinstein was up to
36. Who did rapper Dr Dre lose a legal battle against?
A The author of a history of US rap, who forgot about Dre
B Gynaecologist Dr Drai, author of 20 Things You May Not Know About Your Vagina
C Gary Lineker, who claimed Dre’s Beats headphones had flattened his trademark jug ears
D The Nolan Sisters, who claimed his hit F*** tha Police had ripped off their lyrics
FUNNY BUSINESS
37. Which of these did Amazon patent?
A A cage for its warehouse workers
B Software for Alexa that diagnosed medical conditions from your cough and automatically despatched medicines
C A cannon that despatched non-fragile items directly to your back garden by flinging them into the stratosphere
D An algorithm that predicts your date of death based on your purchase history
38. Who wiped £1billion off the market value of a social media app?
A Reality star Kylie Jenner, by tweeting that she no longer uses Snapchat
B Bugs Bunny, by launching legal action against WhatsApp’s new medical spin-off, WhatsApp Doc
C Lord Sugar, by posting a naked selfie on Instagram
D Judge Rinder, when he announced he was challenging Tinder with his own dating service using his surname
39. He shot a sports car into space and picked a fight with the hero of the Thai cave rescue, but which of these things did Elon Musk NOT do in 2018?
A Sent a tweet that cost him $20million
B Launched a range of flame-throwers
C Encouraged his girlfriend to change her name to c, the scientific symbol for the speed of light
D Challenged Vladimir Putin to a naked wrestling match for the rights to mine uranium in Russia
TECH A CHANCE ON ME
40. Which of these did scientists NOT discover in 2018?
A The secret of wombats’ cube-shaped faeces
B The thermodynamic equation to create the perfect pizza
C How to break a stick of dry spaghetti into exactly two pieces
D Cure for cancer
41. Which demonstration of Russian technology was not all it seemed?
A Footage of a military missile turned out to have come from Avengers: Military War
B A robot showcasing its moves at a Putin Youth Forum turned out to be a man in a costume
C Its Alexa-like personal assistant was just the voicebox from a toy talking doll, limited to 17 phrases including ‘I love you’ and ‘My nappy needs changing’
D A bot spreading fake news across Twitter turned out to be the President of the United States
IT’S ONLY A GAME
42. How did soccer referee David McNamara decide a Women’s Super League kick-off when he forgot his coin to toss?
A Thumb war
B Rock, paper, scissors
C Nobbly knees contest
D Fight!
43. How was the Australian Test team caught cheating at cricket?
A By having better players in the Ashes – not fair!
B By using sandpaper to tamper with the ball
C Because they could make the ball spin the other way in the Southern Hemisphere
D By secretly filing down the edges of their opponents’ bats every night, until by the end of a Test series they were just 3in wide
44. What touchline celebration was England manager Gareth Southgate told he could not do?
A Punch the air, on doctor’s orders, after dislocating his shoulder
B The floss dance, because it is the copyright of the Fortnite video game
C Kissing the England badge embroidered on his lucky waistcoat, as there were toxins in the stitching
D Flick the Vs to opposing players, because it’s a Russian mafia gang sign