There’s a reason Married At First Sight only airs for one month a year – doctors say any more and you risk permanent brain damage.
Tuesday’s ‘New’ Big Brother proved it.
It was Married At First Survivor in all of its glory. We were force fed fake storylines, sappy video packages and bogus eliminations.
Who would have thought, two episodes in and we’re already longing for the good old days, when blokes named ‘Spanner’ or ‘Tabasco’ would commit felonies nightly without consequence.
Big headache: There’s a reason Married At First Sight only airs for one month a year – doctors say watch anymore and you risk permanent brain damage. Tuesday’s Big Brother proved it
You’re Late
‘It’s actually day four!’ ‘Welcome to Big Brother, you’re late! said Sonia Kruger to the four newcomers. Left to right: Chad, 27, Sarah, 19, Garth, 50 and Sophie, 25
‘Welcome to Big Brother, you’re late! said Sonia Kruger to the four newcomers.
‘It’s actually day four!’
Neither eccentric recruitment agent Garth, 50, quirky Bunnings employee Sarah, 19, ‘model’ Chad, 27, or failed gymnast Sophie, 25, had the balls to tell Sonia off for forgetting about them on day one.
The challenge: ‘Big Brother actually has a challenge for you,’ Sonia continued, ‘survive the night in the house without anybody noticing you’re there to win a Sunday roast’
‘Big Brother actually has a challenge for you,’ Sonia continued, ‘survive the night in the house without anybody noticing you’re there to win a Sunday roast.’
This was a problem for Garth, who prior to arriving drank three litres of water and a four pack of West Coast Coolers in an attempt to calm his nerves.
‘But then I realised that I don’t have any nerves, I’m playing the lovable eccentric who couldn’t keep quiet in a home invasion.
‘And my bladder isn’t what it used to be.’
Garth needs to go: This was a problem for Garth, who prior to arriving drank three litres of water and a four pack of West Coast Coolers in an attempt to calm his nerves
Softly softly: And off he went, his Lowes blazer swishing in the wind as he attempted to silently urinate without alerting aerobic icon Marissa Rankin in the next stall
And off he went, his Lowes blazer swishing in the wind as he attempted to silently urinate without alerting aerobic icon Marissa Rankin in the next stall.
Without going into much further detail: it was like Niagara falls on a rainy day.
Somehow Marissa was too busy working out whose towel she’d just blown her nose on to notice.
Waterworks: Without going into much further detail, it was like Niagara falls on a rainy day. Somehow Marissa was too busy working out whose towel she’d just blown her nose on to notice
Sob Stories
Married At First Shi*e: This was when the Married At First Sight rubbish took centre stage, as Garth and Chad both got sobby introductory video packages set to orchestral stock music
This was when the Married At First Sight rubbish took centre stage.
Garth and Chad both got sobby introductory video packages set to orchestral stock music, a staple of Nine’s insufferable cash cow.
‘Hi, I’m Garth! I’m out there, I’m larger than life – look at my blazer and non-prescription glasses and yes, this flower squirts water!’
*Orchestral music swells*
Look at me! ‘Hi, I’m Garth! I’m out there, I’m larger than life – look at my blazer and non-prescription glasses and yes, this flower squirts water!’
‘But the real reason I’m here is for my adopted son. The first thing he said to me when we met was ‘dad, why is there no Big Brother anymore?’
‘Son, you’re dad’s going to be a star, and one day, if we’re lucky, a social media influencer!’
The REAL reason: ‘But the real reason I’m here is for my adopted son. The first thing he said to me when we met was ‘dad, why is there no Big Brother anymore?’ SOB. STORY.
Chad’s was the same but even less respectful of the viewer’s intelligence. It was tacky and manipulative.
He explained that he was here for his late father, who ‘always watched Big Brother and really wanted his son to win it one day.’
For the first time this series, I was left longing for the old, dirty, STI-infected Big Brother of the early 2000s.
Good old days: For the first time this series, I was left longing for the old, dirty, STI-infected Big Brother of the early 2000s. Their intro videos wouldn’t have looked out of place on a VHS tape in a box at the top of your dad’s cupboard
Their intro videos wouldn’t have looked out of place on a VHS tape in a box above your dad’s cupboard:
‘Yeah f**k you I’m Gavin, good thanks! Why do I want to go on Big Brother? Because you can get fully nude on there and it’s not even illegal!’
*Downs Vodka Cruiser while standing in small inflatable pool* ‘Love you Gretel, WOO, up up Cronulla!’
Audition tapes circa 2001: ‘Yeah f**k you I’m Gavin, good thanks! Why do I want to go on Big Brother? Because you can get fully nude on there and it’s not even illegal!’
Thin Ice
Thin ice: Tuesday’s eviction challenge tasked the housemates with melting a giant block of ice with only what they were wearing, to trying and retrieve a flag inside
Tuesday’s eviction challenge tasked the housemates with melting a giant block of ice to retrieve the flag buried inside.
Clearly Channel Seven has hired a bunch of segment producers from History Channel properties like Forged In Fire and Big Easy Motors to run these events.
Garth won by ploughing his face across the ice like a drunk Hooters patron whose about to be thrown out.
Extreme measures: It proved an easy task: his main competitor was lovable larrikin Daniel, who was stewing over the fact he was no longer the hottest now that Chad had arrived
It proved an easy task: his main competitor was lovable larrikin Daniel, who was stewing over the fact he was no longer the hottest now that Chad had arrived.
So, in a rare moment that felt like the Big Brother of old, he whipped it out and tried to melt the ice with his own urine.
And that’s how Daniel learned he can’t go in public.
Not time to go: So, in a rare moment that felt like the Big Brother of old, he whipped it out and tried to melt the ice with his own urine. And that’s how Daniel learned he can’t go in public
In another staged moment, Talia came out in a G-string swimsuit in an attempt to show the ‘newbies’ that the ‘OGs’ deserve to be taken seriously.
‘Wow,’ said nobody, ‘I used to think Talia was a bit of a joke, but now that I’ve seen her bare ass cheeks, I feel like we’re in the presence of Elon Musk!’
It’s Time To Go
Nominations: Garth won the chance to nominate three housemates for eviction
Garth won the chance to nominate three housemates for eviction.
‘I’m nominating Kieran, because he’s playing the game, Allan, because he’s playing the game, and Angela, because pastels are so last season.’
Once again, we got an entire thirty minutes dedicated to trying to make us care about who was being evicted.
Thirty minutes later, Allan got evicted.
Playing the game: ‘I’m nominating Kieran, because he’s playing the game, Allan, because he’s playing the game, and Angela, because pastels are so last season’. Allan got evicted
The Good Old Days
Let’s make this clear: Big Brother 2001 was awful – but two episodes in and viewers are already longing for the ‘good old days’
Let’s make this clear: Big Brother 2001 was awful – but two episodes in and viewers are already longing for the ‘good old days.’
You know, when it was just a bunch of kids on a Schoolies bender, set loose in a party house with a Sharpie and permission to draw dongs on all the oldies.
‘Far out, who barfed in me trucker hat? I just bought that from Jay Jays!’ a dole bludger whose parents named him after a Kraft spread would ask.
Ding dong: You know, when it was just a bunch of kids on a Schoolies bender, set loose in a party house with a Sharpie and permission to draw dongs on all the oldies
‘Sorry guys, sauna is off limits,’ Chiko Roll would say, ‘Tracey and Gav are doin’ hand stuff in there.’
It was godawful television, but at least the joke was on them.
On ‘New Big Brother, we’re the oldies – and the dong’s on us.
You’ve changed: It was godawful television, but at least the joke was on them. On ‘New Big Brother, we’re the oldies – and the dong’s on us