A mother-of-four has revealed how she is dealing with losing her ex-partner to suicide, and how she has handled telling her youngest daughter.
Christielee Plumridge, 36, from Mount Annan, in New South Wales, lost Junade Godden (Jay) to suicide a year ago – a death she suspects may have been caused by depression.
Ms Plumridge said losing Mr Godden hit her youngest child the hardest as she has found it difficult to get to grips with the fact her father isn’t coming back.
‘She asks me why her daddy had to die, why did he have to leave her but other daddy’s don’t leave her friends?,’ she told FEMAIL.
‘She doesn’t understand yet.’
Christielee Plumridge (centre) with her four girls Tigah Rose (left), Layla-Malanna (centre right), Aiva-Leilani (right) and Amarlie Briallen (centre front) lost her ex-partner to suicide
Ms Plumridge said Amarlie and her father were very close and not a day went by when the pair didn’t see each other or speak on the phone.
Despite the pair having regular contact, the decline in Mr Godden’s mental health hadn’t been apparent to her.
This made taking a call informing Ms Plumridge of his death all the more ‘horrific’.
‘I was a mess, I don’t even really remember the police coming to my door,’ she said.
‘The next morning I sat my daughters down and told them what had happened. The older girls seemed to handle the news better.
‘They’d had a chance to deal with the grief of us breaking up and that he wasn’t coming back.
‘It was harder telling Amarlie because she was three at the time and didn’t know what “died” meant. She thought he had gone somewhere so he could come back.
‘We’re very careful about what we say, we haven’t told her he took his own life because that isn’t something a four-year-old needs to know right now.
‘She knows he was very, very sick and that he tried to stay with her but he just couldn’t fight any more.’
Ms Plumridge said her youngest daughter Amarlie (pictured right) has been the most affected by her dad’s death
As a way to cope, in the aftermath the family rallied in an effort to ensure Mr Godden was buried within 24 hours.
‘The first few days following his death were all about trying to get things sorted so I didn’t have a lot of time to sit down and process,’ Ms Plumridge said.
‘It was probably a week after when it hit me and I probably went into a bit of depression not knowing what to do.’
Although the couple were separated, Ms Plumridge said her daughter and her father (pictured right) had had contact every single day
It was also around this time Amarlie was hit by the reality her dad wasn’t coming back.
‘We took her to the funeral and we saw him being buried. It hit us all really hard but particularly myself and Amarlie.
‘It had suddenly become real; it had happened and there was no going back.’
Mr Godden’s (pictured with Amarlie) death has hit her young child the hardest because she can’t make sense of the fact he won’t be coming back
Ms Plumridge recalled the next few months were a blur – a time when everyone’s feelings switched from denial to sadness in the blink of an eye.
‘It was completely surreal. There were moments I was living in a fairy world where I thought he would come back, and I think Amarlie thought that too.
‘It was such a long process to really accept it.’
The past three months have been difficult for Amarlie (pictured) because she’s had to confront the anniversary of her father’s death as well as his birthday
Over the course of the last year, Ms Plumridge said the family have been attempting to process their grief in their own ways, however, it’s Amarlie who is still struggling.
‘At first she seemed to accept it. She would say “daddy’s a star” and we would go out at night and she would say good night.
‘But the last two to three months she has started questioning it again and is really struggling to come to terms with the fact he’s not coming back.
Part of what make Amarlie still feel connected to her father is the ability to look at photos Ms Plumridge has on her phone
She has started questioning whether we can make him come back or if she can die with him
‘She misses him and talks about when she dies she can be a star with him.
‘She cries and asks how long it will be before we all die so we can be a family of stars with her daddy because she longs for our family to be together again.’
Ms Plumridge explained her ex-partner died a week before Christmas 2018 and that his birthday is on March 30 – anniversaries which have stirred up painful feelings.
‘She has started questioning whether we can make him come back or if she can die with him.
‘This is a daily thing we talk about, which is hard, but I am trying to get us through this with as much integrity and honesty as I can.’
Making it through one day at a time: The family have their own ways of processing grief and continue to seek support from counselors
The mother-of-four said when her ex-partner first died she wanted her children to feel they could get as much help as they needed.
Her oldest daughter is currently speaking with a professional, however, her two other daughters ‘tend to want to rely on themselves’.
Grief counselling is something Ms Plumridge says she is currently in the process of implementing in Amarlie’s life.
‘I hope that by talking about it and never shutting her down and really allowing her to express herself she can feel exactly what she needs to feel.
The mother-of-four said when her ex-partner first died she wanted her children to feel they could get as much help as they needed
‘She sees me cry when she is feeling heartbroken, she knows I get sad when she is sad and then thinks it is her fault, she asks if she upset me as she wipes away my tears and I tell her that she makes mummy the happiest mummy in the entire world.
She sees me cry when she is feeling heartbroken, she knows I get sad when she is sad and then thinks it is her fault
‘I am hoping she will eventually grasp what has happened and find a way to deal with it in her own way.
‘That she won’t fall into a cycle of depression or struggle with mental health.
‘I am really hoping that by allowing her to be open and to talk with me and with others she doesn’t continue that cycle.’
Keeping memories alive has also been vitally important – and Amarlie will often ask to see photos Ms Plumridge has of her father on her phone.
‘She asks me to look at his photos I have kept on my phone most mornings and some days it makes her happy and I watch as her eyes light up and a huge smile creeps across her face and I know that day will be a good day.
‘At the moment the only thing we can really do together is look at the photos and watch the few videos I have on my phone,’ Ms Plumridge said
Ms Plumridge said, for now, the family are unable to visit Mr Godden’s grave because this traumatises Amarlie.
‘We had to stop taking her because she was becoming hysterical when we went there and would constantly ask to get him out. She wanted us to dig him out.’
‘At the moment the only thing we can really do together look at the photos and watch the few videos I have on my phone.
‘I also have a few songs that he played to her throughout my pregnancy and when she was born and the whole family sings those songs, which is quite cute and helps us remember.’
Sadly, the family can’t visit Mr Godden’s grave as this is too traumatic for Amarlie
While Ms Plumridge, who is also a blogger, is able to speak openly about dealing with the death of Mr Godden and her child’s struggles, she urges anyone experiencing grief to seek help – and to not attempt to go it alone.
Ms Plumridge says the most important thing anyone can do if they find themselves in a similar situation is to seek help
‘Losing someone to suicide is such a different grieving process than just a normal death because there are so many questions.
‘My advice if anyone has lost someone, is to get grief counselling.’
Ms Plumridge said her only regret is she didn’t think to offer her child counselling sooner as a way for her to contemplate and reflect on her feelings.
‘I thought she was too young to get counselling. I feel like even though I was there and a constant for her, she needed someone else to talk to about it as well.
‘I am only telling her what I know and I am not a professional. I am responding in the only way I know how, but my feelings aren’t the same as hers.
‘Professionals know how to talk to children and my advice would be to get help straight away.’
If this story has raised any issues, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14
For help with depression, please contact Beyond Blue, 1300 22 4636
If you need assistance with a child experiencing grief, please visit Feel The Magic, an organisation which supports children suffering with grief