Outside the Commons yesterday, a man in a chicken outfit stood in the biting cold purporting to be Jeremy Corbyn. He squawked, clucked, he flapped his arms maniacally. Every now and again, he’d scream some indecipherable catchphrase which made him sound even more ridiculous. Passers-by stopped and stared and laughed at the absurdity.
Inside, the real-life ‘Chicken’ Corbyn was behaving in much the same manner as MPs debated holding a general election.
It is a most strange world that has a Leader of the Opposition who genuinely fears the chance to govern.
But that is exactly how Mr Corbyn presents himself. Frozen. Frit. He hates the Government yet he is happy for it to remain in power. What a pathetic sight.
Jeremy Corbyn addressing MPs in the Commons. Henry Deedes: ‘It is a most strange world that has a Leader of the Opposition who genuinely fears the chance to govern’
Barely any Labour MPs bothered to even show up for the debate. Swathes of green leather abounded. The shadow cabinet was nowhere to be seen.
‘Where are they all?’ yelled the Government benches.
Class clown Michael Fabricant (Con, Lichfield) suggested the Speaker launch an investigation into whether the Commons annunciator was working properly.
The Prime Minister announced wearily that the Leader of the Opposition had run out of excuses. The Benn Act had passed, the extension from the EU until the end of January was now secured. It was time for an election, he announced.
He compared Parliament to the Peanuts character Charlie Brown ‘endlessly running up to kick the ball only to have it taken away’. Beside him, health minister Nadine Dorries made little waving gestures at the Labour benches: ‘Bye-bye!’
Corbyn spent most of the PM’s speech receiving advice from with his chief whip, Nick Brown. Extraordinary. Nothing about his body language when he is with colleagues ever suggests that he is the one actually calling the shots. Possibly because he isn’t.
Jeremy Corbyn in the Commons during an election debate with Prime Minister Boris Johnson
When he eventually stood up, he rattled off all the reasons Johnson still can’t be trusted, even taking him to task for not kicking the bucket instead of asking the EU for a Brexit extension. ‘He said he’d die in a ditch – another broken promise!’
At one point, Corbyn pretended to lose his temper at an interruption from David Mundell (Con, Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweeddale). He really shouldn’t do this. I’ve seen elderly codgers shaking their fists at local youths cast more authority.
Behind him, the battery hens chirped as supportively as they could.
‘How can we believe a single word that comes out that man’s mouth?’ asked Angela Eagle (Lab, Wallasey) pointing in the Prime Minister’s direction.
Paula Sherriff (Lab, Dewsbury) staged an ambush, demanding an apology for the abuse she’d received after the recent ‘humbug’ remark Johnson made to her. The PM suggested Corbyn’s buddy John McDonnell might apologise first for comments he once made about lynching Tory MP Esther McVey. Stupid. He should have just left it alone. Seema Malhotra (Lab, Feltham and Heston) claimed an election in December was a deliberate act of ‘voter suppression’, an inference that people wouldn’t bother to vote when it’s cold and dark. Why this might favour one party over another wasn’t clear. Desperado stuff.
‘At one point, Corbyn pretended to lose his temper at an interruption from David Mundell (Con, Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweeddale). He really shouldn’t do this. I’ve seen elderly codgers shaking their fists at local youths cast more authority’
The SNP’s Ian Blackford blathered on far too long, as is his way, and made the mistake of using the phrase ‘in conclusion’. This led the rest of the House to let out a collective ‘Hooray!’ Typical, remarked Blackers huffily, Westminster telling Scotland to shut up as usual. Tory chairman James Cleverley barked: ‘No, just you!’
The result of the consequent vote, in which the Government failed to get the two-thirds majority required under the Fixed-Term Parliaments Act, came as little surprise.
Jeremy Corbyn didn’t even show up. Held captive by his advisers, possibly. A shambles, really.
Johnson accused him of running away from the electorate.
The PM promised a new Bill for a December 12 election which would only require a simple majority and, with the Lib Dem and SNP support, this looks likely to pass.
Not before time. Parliament is currently more clogged than a faulty J-bend. The whole place needs a long, heavy flush.