Jeremy Corbyn was greeted by a loud gurgle of throaty groans yesterday. The Leader of the Opposition had come to the chamber to respond to a statement on America’s assassination of Iranian military commander Qassem Soleimani.
Since Defence Secretary Ben Wallace was tasked with updating the House, in the normal course of events Corbyn’s pained-looking defence spokesman Nia Griffith would have spoken on Labour’s behalf.
But Corbyn clings to iffy foreign regimes – such as Tehran’s – the way eggs attach themselves to bacon. The opportunity for a good old rant against Western imperialism was too good to pass up.
Jezza’s rheumy eyes flicked irritably as he kicked off with some customary manufactured indignation, demanding to know why the Prime Minister hadn’t bothered to turn up.
Corbyn (pictured) clings to iffy foreign regimes – such as Tehran’s – the way eggs attach themselves to bacon
What could be more important than addressing Parliament when the possibility of another war loomed, he demanded to know.
His bony fingers gripped the dispatch box firmly, the way a jockey’s knees cling to a wayward steeplechaser. He seemed relieved not to be discussing domestic matters, for once.
General Soleimani’s death, Corbyn informed the House, was a classic example of American aggression. Once again, the United States was making the wrong calls in the Middle East.
He accused the Prime Minister of being scared of standing up to President Donald Trump, suggesting he was afraid of losing out on a post-Brexit trade deal. The Government benches scoffed indignantly.
Ben Wallace (pictured) explained that the Prime Minister had been unable to attend as he was busy running the country
Greg Hands (Con, Chelsea & Fulham) began heckling Corbyn for taking money from the Iranian state broadcaster, Press TV, which he appeared on as a guest on several occasions. Beside him, a newly slimline-looking Alec Shelbrooke (Con, Elmet & Rothwell) chuckled along merrily.
Labour’s front bench, meanwhile, was about as cheery as the annual conference of the National Association of Funeral Directors. Glum faces everywhere.
Transport spokesman Andy McDonald scowled menacingly like a nightclub bouncer. Further along, leadership hopefuls Sir Keir Starmer and Emily Thornberry tapped away on their mobile telephones. Checking on their supporters, perhaps.
Wallace, an egg-shaped fellow who once served in the Scots Guards, explained that the Prime Minister had been unable to attend as he was busy running the country – ‘something the Leader of the Opposition will fail to ever do’. He accused Corbyn of spouting ‘anti-American tripe’ and ‘anti-imperialist guff’. Corbyn by now appeared to have lost interest, joining Thornberry in fidgeting with his telephone.
Acting Lib Dem leader Ed Davey joined in barracking the PM, accusing Boris Johnson of trying to ‘dodge’ Parliament. Davey appeared to be surrounded by no more than a handful of his ten MPs. A pathetic sight.
There were a couple of blasts from the recent past among the contributions from the Government benches. Penny Mordaunt, who was replaced in the MoD by Wallace when Boris entered No 10, urged the Government to keep taking the fight to ISIS.
General Soleimani’s (centre) death, Corbyn informed the House, was a classic example of American aggression
Ex-Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt made a slightly obsequious observation that, unlike the rest of the EU, the US could count on the UK taking defence responsibilities seriously. Are both hankering for a Cabinet return?
In a welcome move, new Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle had ensured the session started bang on time. So often his predecessor, John Bercow, allowed sessions to over-run.
Ex-Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt (pictured) made a slightly obsequious observation that, unlike the rest of the EU, the US could count on the UK taking defence responsibilities seriously
Earlier, Sajid Javid had taken Treasury Questions, which was surprisingly well attended, not least as the Test match in Cape Town was reaching its exciting conclusion. Not since Gordon Brown and George Osborne used to go at it toe-to-toe has the Chamber been so full.
The Saj has been quiet since he became Chancellor. I’ve often wondered if he’s too polite for politics but there are signs he’s developing a snarky side – commending his opposite number, John McDonnell ‘for his efforts’ during the election.
McDonnell sat motionless, that lower jaw jutting out sulkily. Rather than acknowledge Javid, he asked a question about the fallen stock picker ‘Ian’ Woodford, who was revealed to have paid himself a £9million dividend prior to his financial empire’s collapse.
‘I think the honourable gentleman might be referring to Neil Woodford, not Ian,’ The Saj remarked coolly. I might be wrong, but I’m sure I detected a wry smirk briefly creep across the Chancellor’s face.