As Valentine’s Day approached, many will be feeling love in the air.
But as you go about setting up dates during the most romantic time of the year, how do you know who you should keep seeing?
A medical doctor of psychiatry and his daughter – who herself is a leading relationship coach – claim they now have the answer.
Australia-based Dr George Blair-West and Jiveny Blair-West combined their experiences to create the ‘Love Match Model’, revealed in their new book, How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life.
It works by providing prompts and guidance, to be carried out discreetly from around the third date, when a couple have become comfortable in each other’s company.
Dr George Blair-West and Jiveny Blair-West combined their experiences to create the ‘Love Match Model’, revealed in their new book, How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life
The Blair-Wests – who have counselled hundreds of singles and couples over the last two decades – say this method gives the couple a brutally honest, ‘warts n’ all’ view of each other from the outset.
Their model is most useful for those aged over 25 – the youngest Dr Blair-West believes you should be before you start thinking about settling down.
‘The Love Match Model has been built upon our professional expertise and insights, and the latest scientific know-how about relationships, for one purpose: to help you determine if you have truly found a partner who will be the ideal life partner or spouse,’ he said.
‘Don’t think of him or her as “the one” but, instead, as the “chosen one”.
‘In other words, a relationship should not be left solely to “romantic destiny” over which we have no control, but as an interactive process which should be fully considered from a more conscious place.’
DRESS DOWN, NOT UP…AND AVOID THE BLING
It may be tempting to dress to the nines to wow your date – but the Blair-Wests’ model warns against blinging up too much.
They don’t advise buying anything new for the occasion as well as keeping accessories and make-up to a minimal.
While making sure you’re clean and tidy is important, the experts say you shouldn’t be concealing what you really look like.
‘The whole purpose of the Love Match Model is to reveal the real you to your partner, not a fantasy representation that cannot be sustained day-to-day in a marriage,’ Jiveny said.
‘I’m not saying you should be scruffy, especially if you are heading out to a restaurant, but just be natural, and that starts with the clothes you wear, your hairstyle and scent.
‘You want to present yourself as you really are to learn whether your partner accepts and appreciates the real you.’
ASK ABOUT YOUR DATE’S EX
It’s the ultimate taboo – but this father-daughter-duo say you should bring up your date’s ex partner.
‘Listening to how they speak about their ex is important as it tells you where they are, emotionally, right now,’ Dr Blair-West said.
By observing their reaction to the topic, you could gauge whether they are actually ready to move on to a new connection.
He added: ‘If they can talk about their ex in a balanced way, recognising their positive and negative traits, then that’s a good sign.’
However, if the conversation becomes emotionally charged, they could still be holding onto pain from their former flame.
This could mean they still need time.
‘if they are very negative then it suggests that they are still angry, still hurt, and still going through the breakup phase,’ the expert added.
‘A sign they are not yet ready for a relationship with you.’
REVEAL AN EMBARRASSING FACT ABOUT YOURSELF
Being vulnerable in front of the person you love is important – and the relationship experts warn that holding back too much of yourself can get in the way of learning useful information about how they react to more sensitive matters.
So, they suggest revealing an embarrassing fact about yourself.
‘True love is the feeling of being fully accepted by another who knows you intimately and who is committed to nurturing both your personal growth and their own,’ Dr Blair-West- who has been happily married to his wife Penny, for over three decades – explained.
He says that sense of safety is needed, and advises we can ‘only feel truly loved when we have shown our shortcomings and vulnerabilities to our partner, and they still care and want us just as before’.
Jiveny added: ‘Sharing something slightly embarrassing about yourself can help you to connect with each other more quickly than trying to present yourself as “perfect” as you’ll come across as more human and relatable.
‘This is also a great way of testing the water as you can find out what the other person will do with these secrets.
‘If they throw it back at you then it is probable that your partner doesn’t really have your back or accepts you – clear warning signs for the future of the relationship.’
OFFER A DIFFERING VIEW
The pair warn against the temptation to be too agreeable when you’re first getting to know each other, especially as conflict is expected in the long run.
‘For the purposes of the Love Match Model, I’m not asking that you have an argument with your partner, but that you have the courage to disagree on something you feel differently about, such as football, the must-watch TV show, or a book,’ Dr Blair-West said.
He says that ‘you don’t know who you are in a relationship with until you have some form of disagreement’, because it will show whether they respect your opinion, and to what extent they can handle different takes.
‘For a marriage to last, you both need to agree on the big issues, such as starting a family, but with other matters, it’s OK to disagree, as long as it is constructive rather than aggressive,’ the expert added.
‘Offering a difference of opinion at this early stage, then, will show you how your partner operates in any form of power struggle; whether they do so with respect or with a preference to fight dirty.’
WATCH HOW THEY HANDLE MESSAGES
Dr Blair-West says that seeing how quickly your partner responds to messages is an ‘easy way to determine reliability’ – an important trait to measure, especially if you and a prospective partner want kids in the future.
‘It can something as simple as asking them if they want collecting for the date or checking that they can still make it at the agreed time,’ he explained.
‘A lack of reliability is one of the biggest risks in any relationship. If your partner isn’t there when you, or your kids, need them then they go from being a powerful life resource to the very opposite – another problem in your life. We need a reliable partner, not an adult child.’
He says you should ‘expect to hear back within two to three hours’.
The relationship pro added: ‘If you don’t hear back from your partner for longer, or worse, they don’t respond at all, then unless something has happened preventing them from responding (which they should let you know about as soon as they can) you should be cautious about how reliable a person they really are.’
INTRODUCE YOUR DATE TO YOUR PARENTS
Meeting the parents is often deemed a daunting relationship rite of passage – but in the context of this model, more casual.
Ideally, your date would briefly meet them as you make your way to the date, ensuring only a brief and casual conversation.
‘Introducing a partner to your parents is traditionally seen as a rite of passage within a relationship, indicating that it has become more serious and committed,’ Jiveny said.
‘But doing so much earlier can provide real insight into the kind of person your date is.
‘The aim here is not for your parents to try and get a handle on your date as a suitable match but simply to see how your partner interacts with them. Nevertheless, your parents’ feedback could well be very useful.’
Dr Blair-West warned against making a ‘big thing’ of the introduction.
‘Drop into your parents for a cup of tea on the way to a meal or say you are calling in to pick up something from your folks,’ he said.
‘Brief your parents first though, so they know your relationship isn’t yet at the serious stage. It’s just a light chat you want them to have with your date, not an interrogation!’
For the same reason, Dr Blair-West says that ‘you should also try to pay close attention to how your date interacts with waiters or bar staff while on your date’.
‘It’s really not a good sign if your date refuses to engage, or is rude to staff,’ he added. ‘As they may well act the same towards you later down the relationship road.’
HAVE AN ACTIVITY DATE…AND INVITE YOUR FRIENDS
And it’s not just your parents’ introductions your beau could benefit from.
The Blair-West Love Match Model recommends not only doing something more exciting and adventurous on a date – but also inviting pals along.
Recommendations include going to the zoo or rock climbing.
‘Doing something adventurous, and which ideally gets you and your date outside of your usual comfort zones, is a perfect way of getting to know the real “them” – and letting them meet the real you,’ Jiveny explained.
‘Any activity is fine but, if you can, suggest something that’s truly memorable and unexpected. How your date reacts to your suggestion is another great way of telling if he or she is accepting of you and of your hobbies and interests.’
Bringing a few friends along would be the ‘icing on the cake’, Dr Blair-West added.
He says that this can help you gauge a few confidants’ opinions, lest you see the budding romance through ‘rose-tinted spectacles’.
‘It’s best to do this early on in a relationship as the more we become invested in someone, the less open we are to listen to honest, and perhaps negative, feedback from friends,’ he added.
‘Likewise, your friends will be less comfortable giving such feedback the longer you have been with someone.
‘Friends are better for this purpose than your parents because your mum and dad may have the same biases and blind spots that you have.
‘Most importantly, while they will have their own biases and blind spots, they will be different from yours!’
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