THURSDAY, JANUARY 2
Gavin & Stacey made a stunning TV comeback after ten years, with 17 million viewers tuning in on Christmas Day to watch my old mate James Corden team up again with writing and on-screen partner Ruth Jones.
Curiously, a third star of the show, Mathew Horne, spent most of the build-up to the iconic comedy’s eagerly awaited return savagely attacking me in interviews.
Asked by The Guardian ‘Which living person do you most despise and why?’, he replied: ‘Piers Morgan, and I don’t think I need to say why.’
Then he told The Times: ‘I dislike Piers Morgan and everything he stands for.’
Curiously, a third star of Gavin & Stacey, Mathew Horne (above), spent most of the build-up to the iconic comedy’s eagerly awaited return savagely attacking me in interviews
I don’t know much about Mr Horne, whose career plummeted into stagnant oblivion at the same rate as Corden’s sky-rocketed into global superstardom.
This caused such tension between them that Horne refused to appear on my Life Stories show with Corden in 2011, to pay tribute to his former colleague.
Since then, the ‘politically active’ actor seems to have spent most of his time spewing furious socialist bile on Twitter and holds a visceral hatred for any journalists who don’t share his Corbynista world view.
After the recent election result didn’t go the way he hoped, Horne viciously attacked the BBC’s superbly professional and impeccably impartial political editor, Laura Kuenssberg, in an abusive 2am rant, blaming her for Labour’s loss.
‘I really wish I loved myself as much as you Laura,’ he sniped. ‘Resign, you disingenuous plopcarpet.’
Then, as people reacted with outrage, he spat: ‘I’m leaving this unfathomable country.’
Horne deleted these tweets the next day, presumably when he’d sobered up and apologised. But it said all you need to know about him, and needless to say, sadly he hasn’t left the country.
You couldn’t meet a nicer, more decent person than Ms Kuenssberg.
Nor could you meet a more repellent little berk than Mr Horne… and I don’t think I need to say why.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 3
I’ve signed a new two-year deal with ITV to continue hosting Good Morning Britain, and present two more series of Life Stories.
For the latter I’ve already started trying to persuade top long-term targets to submit themselves finally to my interrogation.
Sir Bob Geldof is one – what an amazing life he’s led – but when I bumped into him at a party several weeks ago, he was resolute in his refusal to succumb to my advances. ‘Come on Bob, the time is right,’ I beseeched.
When I bumped into Sir Bob Geldof (above) at a party several weeks ago, he was resolute in his refusal to succumb to my advances and appear on Life Stories
‘No Morgan, the time is not ****ing right!’ he bellowed, albeit with a big grin. ‘The time will NEVER be ****ing right to do your ****ing show!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because, and I hate to ****ing admit this to your face, you’re too ****ing good a journalist and will get me to say stuff I don’t want to say! So stop ****ing asking me!’
Given that Geldof has spent his entire life successfully refusing to take no for an answer, often against apparently insurmountable odds, I’ll keep trying. Though we may have to get extra batteries for our expletive bleep machine if he ever agrees.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 5
I learned today I was the 15th-most Googled thing in Norwich last year – beating ‘ed sheeran ipswich’ (geography obviously isn’t a strong point up there) at No 17, ‘game of thrones’ at No 18, and even ‘chinese takeaway norwich’ at No 19. The revelation that more people in Norwich searched for information about me last year than Chinese takeaways may be my finest achievement.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 7
Labour leadership candidate Jess Phillips looked a little queasy when she sat down during a commercial break for an interview on Good Morning Britain. ‘You OK?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied. ‘I feel like vomiting.’
‘Oh no,’ exclaimed Susanna, ‘what’s brought that on?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Phillips said, ‘but it might be your co-host.’
‘Me?’ I queried. ‘What have I done?’
‘Piers,’ she replied, ‘I don’t know how to break this to you… but you make people sick.’
THURSDAY, JANUARY 9
Speaking of things that make you sick, Greggs has unveiled its latest vegan scam on the public – a ‘Vegan Steak Bake’ that, of course, isn’t a steak because a steak is specifically meat- or fish-related.
The company’s boss, Roger Whiteside, has personally thanked me for my help in driving sales of their vegan sausage rolls so high by mocking them that he’s now been able to give staff a £7 million bonus. ‘It’s all down to Piers!’ he chortled. ‘He reawakened people!’
Compounding my discomfort, British YouTube comedian Alizee Yeezy released an explicit X-rated ‘novella’ about me having sex with a Greggs vegan sausage roll.
As ‘Piers Morgan’s Vegan Lover’ went viral, she explained: ‘Piers is always banging on about vegan sausage rolls, so I thought, why doesn’t he just marry one or **** one?’ Words, and this doesn’t happen very often, fail me.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 10
Dinner with the irrepressible Dame Joan Collins at Robin Birley’s swanky new Oswald’s Club in Mayfair.
‘I don’t eat seafood!’ she announced as we perused the menu. Pause. ‘Well, apart from caviar, obviously.’
‘I don’t eat seafood!’ Dame Joan Collins (above) announced as we perused the menu at Robin Birley’s swanky new Oswald’s Club in Mayfair. Pause. ‘Well, apart from caviar, obviously.’
Later, as the wine flowed and the indiscreet chatter about everything from Meghan Markle to Harvey Weinstein intensified, her husband Percy suddenly announced: ‘I was sexually harassed by a major Hollywood star.’
The whole table fell instantly silent in open-mouthed shock, including his wife.
‘WHAT?’ exclaimed Joan, incredulously.
Percy chuckled: ‘It’s true. But it’s OK, I still married you.’
As we left, after a delightful meal, two dogs launched themselves at Dame Joan on the pavement. ‘GET OFF ME!’ she commanded.
And they did. Even canines know not to mess with Dame Joan.