I find Keith Richards’ savage candour delightfully refreshing

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21

Jack Whitehall hosted the Brits live on ITV and I knew with absolute certainty he would whack me at some stage with a cheap jibe.

It’s a notoriously tough crowd, full of drunken music-industry berks, and as he once told me: ‘Piers, whenever I feel like I’m losing an audience, I only have to take the p*** out of you and they’re back in the palm of my hand.’

Sure enough, after Rita Ora and Liam Payne performed an erotic Fifty Shades-style routine of their duet For You, Whitehall quipped: ‘ITV hasn’t seen that much sexual chemistry since the Trump/Morgan interview.’

Piers is very happy with Keith Richards’ lack of political correctness, especially when he’s slagging off band mate Mick Jagger 

The crowd promptly stopped chattering and roared with laughter, thus guaranteeing Whitehall will continue to use me, if you’ll pardon the ongoing Fifty Shades theme, as his go-to gag victim.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Four years ago, Great Britain’s Skeleton superstar Lizzy Yarnold won Olympic Gold at the Sochi Winter Games.

At the time, I knew nothing about either her or her sport, and cared even less. But in a pitiful attempt to jump on the bandwagon, I tweeted excitedly: ‘Come on Lizzie Arnold!’ Thus getting both her names wrong.

Today, Lizzy was a guest on Good Morning Britain to celebrate her latest Olympic Gold in South Korea.

She never said a word about my cock-up until after the interview, when I asked for a photo to tweet out.

‘Sure Piers,’ Lizzy replied. ‘Just try to spell my name right this time – OK?’

To be the best in the world at bombing head-first down an icy track at 90mph on a tiny sled takes incredible hard work, ruthless determination, supreme skill and astounding courage. It would appear that constant exposure to clean, crisp air also gives you a crystal-sharp memory.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28

On arrival for a promotional spot on Loose Women, I was warned that one of today’s panellists, Janet Street-Porter, ‘doesn’t greet guests’.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

‘She doesn’t like to shake hands or hug. It’s not her thing.’

‘What about a kiss?’ I laughed.

‘Oh my God, NO!’ came the horrified reply. ‘Definitely no kissing!’

Naturally, I decided to defy the ‘Don’t touch Janet!’ directive.

I walked out, hugged and kissed the other panel members and then turned to Janet, my arms outstretched and lips puckered.

She shrieked in horror, jumped up and charged off, so I promptly ran after her Benny Hill style, performing two laps of the studio floor as the housewife-laden audience fell about laughing.

But a kiss came there none, which was a blessed relief to both of us.

It was only later I realised my unrequited pursuit almost certainly constitutes sexual harassment in the new draconian climate of #MeToo and Time’s Up.

So my career may now end in the most humiliating manner imaginable: trying to engage Janet Street-Porter in non-consensual romantic entanglement.

THURSDAY, MARCH 1

During my recent appearance on Question Time, host David Dimbleby blew his stack when I tried to ask the audience if they would support a special tax for the NHS.

‘No, no, NO! Piers,’ he snapped. ‘We will NOT have a show of hands. I don’t know what you do on your show but we do NOT do shows of hands on this show!’

Tonight, Dimbleby asked the latest QT audience in Blackpool if they had felt the tremors from a recent earthquake in the area.

‘Put your hands up if you did?’ he beseeched.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2

Keith Richards is not only a brilliant guitarist, he’s also the most brutally honest man in showbusiness.

Last week, he branded Rolling Stones bandmate Mick Jagger a ‘randy old b*****d’ and ordered him to have a vasectomy. ‘It’s time for the snip,’ Keith chortled. ‘You can’t be a father at that age. Those poor kids!’

(This followed his glorious memoir claim that Jagger has a ‘tiny todger’.)

Now he’s unleashed his acid tongue on old rival Sir Elton John.

Asked what he thought of Elton announcing a three-year retirement tour, Keith scoffed: ‘After three years on the road with Elton, you’d want to retire too…’

‘Will you miss him when he’s gone?’ came the next question.

‘Not at all,’ Keith snorted.

In this new PC-crazed era of fake ‘isn’t everyone wonderful?’ luvviedom, I find Mr Richards’ brand of savage candour delightfully refreshing.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3

The new cover of Bella magazine features a giant photo of a seething Susanna Reid and the headline: ‘I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE! – Susanna fury over prima donna Piers.’

I’ve narrowed down the list of things that may have prompted this outburst to 1,500.

TUESDAY, MARCH 6

Very sad to hear Bill Turnbull is battling cancer, though as I would expect he’s doing so with admirable strength, positivity and perspective.

Bill’s a wonderful broadcaster with a laconic sense of humour, and we enjoyed a lot of jocular rivalry after I too entered the world of breakfast TV, until he quit for a life away from 4am alarm calls.

I’m delighted to report that even ill health hasn’t dimmed his competitive spirit.

Susanna, his former colleague on BBC Breakfast and a good friend, texted him before the embargoed news broke today, to ask what he would be happy for her to say on air about it.

He replied: ‘Tell Piers I responded, “I wish Bill was back on the sofa next to me!” ’

Good luck mate, we’re all rooting for you.

 



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