Dear Jana,

I’ve recently started earning significantly more than my husband and things between us have shifted in ways I didn’t expect.

He’s proud of me. But lately, I’ve noticed small changes. He makes digs about how ‘I’m the boss now’, or jokes I should handle certain bills now I’ve got a ‘CEO salary’.

But what’s really bothering me is what’s happening in the bedroom – or rather, what’s not happening. 

He’s withdrawn, doesn’t initiate, makes excuses.

It feels like there’s a weird power imbalance now that’s killing the vibe, and neither of us knows how to name it.

I didn’t think money would change things but I can feel the tension building.

High Earner.

DailyMail+ agony aunt Jana Hocking offers advice to a woman whose husband has gone floppy ever since she started earning more than him

DailyMail+ agony aunt Jana Hocking offers advice to a woman whose husband has gone floppy ever since she started earning more than him

Dear High Earner,

Your husband is really giving ‘Small Dick Energy right now – regardless of the actual size of his pecker.

He’s acting like a dork whose girlfriend just beat him at Fortnite and now he’s sulking. 

You got a pay rise – you’re not the Queen. And I’m assuming you didn’t march in and announce you’re calling the shots from now on and expect him to start paying rent.

But somewhere in his head, your success has dethroned him and he’s withholding affection like a teenager who didn’t get the iPad he wanted. Sigh.

Telling him to ‘grow up’ won’t fix things, I’m afraid.

What you need to do first is peel back the layers: This isn’t about sex; it’s about power. It always is. The second a woman gets a bigger salary, a better job title, or just has the audacity to enjoy her life too much, some men go limp – emotionally and physically.

It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because they’ve spent their whole lives being told their worth comes from ‘providing’. 

Another reader asks Jana what to do after her fiancé became insecure over the size of her buzzy bedroom buddy (stock image posed by model)

Another reader asks Jana what to do after her fiancé became insecure over the size of her buzzy bedroom buddy (stock image posed by model)

And when you start providing for yourself, they spiral. Oh, you silly cavemen.

So, what do you do? Well, don’t tiptoe around your own ambition just because he’s being a sook. But you do need to talk to him – properly.

Not like you’re the CEO and he’s an intern, but woman to man. Tell him you love him, you desire him, but you need him to stop being insecure because you got a pay rise.

Delicately ask how he really feels. Does he feel emasculated or left behind? Does he think that now you’re in the executive suite, you’re going to leave him for the boss?

Has he seen his mates’ marriages fail when the same thing happened? Let him say the messy bits out loud. And don’t judge him (like I did unfairly earlier on). 

Because if you don’t bring this out in the open, his resentment and your disappointment will only fester and grow.

If he shuts you down and refuses to rise to the occasion (excuse the pun) then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

Dear Jana,

For my birthday, I treated myself to something fun – a sex toy. Not exactly breaking news. Every woman I know has one tucked in her bedside drawer.

But I’ll admit this one is a little on the larger side and slightly bigger than my fiancé. Not absurdly so, but enough to rattle his ego.

The moment he saw it, he shifted. What started as a playful surprise turned into an awkward silence. He cracked a joke about needing to ‘compete with that thing’ and hasn’t touched me since.

I’ve tried reassuring him, even putting the toy away altogether, but now I’m walking on eggshells.

How do I get him to see this isn’t about replacing him, it’s about enjoying us more?

Sincerely, 

Accidental Size Queen.

Dear Accidental Size Queen,

Ah, yes. The classic modern dilemma: woman introduces a perfectly normal, clinically recommended, battery-operated joy enhancer into the bedroom and suddenly we’re deep into a masculinity crisis.

First of all: it’s not you and it’s certainly not the toy. It’s the unspoken, centuries-old terror that if a woman can orgasm without a man, she might start realising how much dead weight she’s been lugging around.

But let’s be clear, gents: a toy isn’t a replacement husband.

It doesn’t do laundry, it can’t make you laugh, and it doesn’t get you socks when your tootsies are cold. Nor does it know how to burn a sausage on the BBQ.

But what it can do is enhance sex for you, which, if he weren’t so tangled in his own pride, would be a win-win. Because you’re getting more pleasure, which should bring him pleasure. That shouldn’t be a threat – it should be a fun time for all. 

Have you thought about using it on yourself in front of him? Like a sexy performance? I know a lot of guys get off on that – or so I hear.

Now, if a Madonna-worthy saucy sex show isn’t you’re vibe, you’ve got two options:

1. Sit him down (clothes optional) and explain that orgasms don’t just come in one neatly boxed penis. They can be brought on from a range of things. 

2. Use the toy on your own and let him catch up when he’s ready to act like an adult.

Whichever route you take, remember this: any man who sees a dildo as competition is wildly overestimating its capacity to steal your heart. 

So charge up the batteries and have the talk. 

Dear Jana,

My wife drinks more than she used to, and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding judgmental.

It started during lockdown with a glass of wine most nights, which turned into two, then three. Now, it’s rare for her to go a night without drinking. 

She still goes to work and socialises, but it’s starting to impact our relationship. I should note we are both in our 50s with grown-up children who have left home.

She alternates between snapping at me and being withdrawn. The nights we used to spend talking or watching a show together now end with her falling asleep on the couch.

I’ve also come to the upsetting realisation that the only time she initiates sex with me is after drinking alcohol. I take care of myself physically and I’ve always been an attentive and capable lover. Must she require Dutch courage to sleep with me?

'My wife drinks more than she used to, and I don't know how to bring it up without sounding judgmental,' a worried 50-something husband tells Jana (stock image posed by model)

‘My wife drinks more than she used to, and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding judgmental,’ a worried 50-something husband tells Jana (stock image posed by model)

I’ve tried hinting at it gently, even suggesting we do a ‘dry month’ together, but she laughs it off.

I don’t want to attack her because I don’t believe she is an alcoholic – I used to be one many years ago, so I know what it looks like – but I also don’t want to sit back and say nothing while I watch her disappear into a dangerous habit.

I love my wife. At her best, she is funny, sexy and has a lust for life. But I’m starting to resent the wine-fuelled bore she is becoming. What do I do?

Worried Husband.

Dear Worried Husband.

Oh, dear. I’ve sadly seen this with friends before. It’s the kind of drinking problem that is slow and insidious and bloody horrible to witness. I feel for you.

First of all, let’s call it what it is: your wife isn’t drinking too much wine because she loves the taste and buzz. She’s trying to block something out.

I can understand how it might have started with lockdown boredom, or the pressure of being everything to everyone during uncertain times. 

But it sounds like she is numbing herself from something. She is disconnecting from her marriage, herself and the world.

We’ve all had too much to drink after a tough week at work or during times of stress. But most of us wake up the next day, anxious and hungover, and realise that’s not the answer to life’s problems.

Your wife is in a tricky spot because you say she is still functioning, which makes it easy for her to say, ‘What’s the big deal?’

So, where does that leave you? Firstly, don’t nag. And don’t make it all about the wine. Instead, simply tell her that you miss the bubbly, fun, sexy wife she used to be before her daily drinking habit. Tell her it hurts to see her drift away and snap at you. 

She’s going to feel a lot of shame, so don’t expect a rational reaction straight away. Let it sink in and give her time to process what you’ve told her. Reassure her it isn’t an ultimatum; you only want to help her and have a better marriage.

What I learned from a friend going through a similar problem with alcohol was that as much as I wanted her to change, nothing was going to happen until she wanted to as well. So your wife may need time.

If she shuts you down and plays the blame game, then maybe there’s another issue at play. But if there is still a spark of her in there – and it sounds as though there is – she might just need a bit of love from you to guide her home. 

I’ve watched some brilliant friends get their spark back after losing it to problem drinking, so not all is lost. This is just a bump in the road that may require some uncomfortable conversations, or maybe even therapy, to fix.

And while you say you don’t believe your wife is an alcoholic, AA could be an answer. You don’t need to be at rock bottom to seek help from other people who’ve walked a similar path. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

In regards to her only initiating sex with you after drinking, here’s a little secret from another woman… it’s not about you. If she needs alcohol to get intimate, it’s a sign she is disconnected from her body, desires and sense of self-worth.

Put simply, she is feeling rubbish about herself.

Sometimes during the perimenopause years, women become more curvaceous in places we might not want to be. And when we’re stressed, it can affect not just how we look, but how we feel about how we look. It’s not a recipe for feeling fabulous while naked.

But then alcohol lowers inhibitions and acts as a mask. It quietens the voice in her head that says ‘you don’t look good’ and she feels confident initiating with you.

Where does that leave you? Obviously you don’t want her to be tipsy every time you get frisky, so perhaps you could make her feel beautiful by throwing some physical – but heartfelt – compliments her way.

I’ve always said, a surprise, spicy text in the middle of the day can work wonders… 

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