Olympic champion Ian Thorpe has gone public for the first time about how a single irregular drug test almost drove him to take his own life and plunged him into a severe depression.
The swimming legend, 41, shared personal struggles about his mental health and sexuality in a new book called Profiles In Hope by former NSW Liberal leader John Brogden which includes in-depth interviews with 14 other high-profile Australians.
In the book, Thorpe reveals for the first time the devastating toll of the French newspaper L’Equipe publishing a leak revealing he had an irregular drug test recorded a few years prior.
The test recorded that Thorpe had elevated levels of testosterone and luteinising hormone in a single sample.
The legendary athlete obtained medical evidence that cleared his name – the substances were naturally occurring – and sued the paper.
But at the time the revelation was so devastating he did not want to leave his house, feeling that mental health issues should be resolved personally, and contemplating attempting his own life and staging it as an accident.
‘An irregular test isn’t uncommon. They happen. So firstly, no one should know that information to begin with,’ he told Brogden.
‘An irregular test means nothing. An irregular test gets thrown out.’
It was one of many pressures Thorpe experienced over his career as an athlete.
At 14, Thorpe didn’t think he deserved to compete in the World Championships, wondered if winning the same tournament at 15 was a ‘fluke’, and felt mounting pressure at 17 to win gold at the Sydney Olympics.
Ian Thorpe (pictured in 2023) has opened up about his mental health in a book by former Liberal MP John Brogden
Ian Thorpe was 17 when he won five gold medals at the Sydney Olympic Games in 2000 (pictured)
‘People were assuming a result that hadn’t happened yet. I would be with my mother at the shop, and people would say, “We’ve got tickets to the Olympics, we can’t wait to see you win your first gold medal”,’ he said.
‘I couldn’t escape that part of it. Then it started being hyped up more and more and more. I was surrounded by it.’
Sexuality in the spotlight
Thorpe won five gold medals, which made him the most successful athlete at the Games in 2000, and said he was well prepared to be an Olympic champion. But he wasn’t ready for the fame and publicity that came with it.
At 16, a reporter had directly asked him: ‘Are you gay?’
He later found out that reporter was threatened with his job if he didn’t ask the question, but Thorpe panicked at the time because he didn’t know – responding by saying: ‘Well, you know me.’
After the Sydney Olympics, speculation about his sexuality continued, so he decided not to share those details at all.
‘I was like, “No, no, f*** it. I’m not going to give this up to someone who has made my life a living hell. Who has poked and prodded me into this. I’m not rewarding this behaviour”,’ he recalled.
‘And so, the more I was pushed on it, the further I withdrew from it … Learning to come to terms with my sexuality became even more difficult than it would have been otherwise.’
In April 2014, when Thorpe was 31, he had a series of shoulder operations due to an injury, spiralled into a depressive state, and wound up in intensive care with a staph infection.
He told Brogden: ‘I can’t swim. I had a shoulder replacement. Mechanically, I can’t swim. I can catch a wave, but I can’t swim laps.’
‘I don’t usually bring it up because everyone else gets really upset. People get sad. People feel sorry for me. And I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.’
Ian Thorpe decided to come out as gay in an interview with the late Sir Michael Parkinson in 2014 (pictured together)
Ian Thorpe suggested Parkinson ask whether he was gay (pictured together during the interview)
Months after his health battle, he came out to his family and friends, and decided to go public with it because he felt as though he had ‘taken a step out of the closet’ and didn’t want to go back in.
He had an interview coming up with Parkinson, the British television presenter and broadcaster, in July 2014 and decided to use the opportunity to tell the world he was gay.
‘I spent a few days with Parky and his family before doing that interview in the UK. We went to the cricket, had family dinners at the pub just down the road. It was good. He got to know me a little bit,’ he said.
‘Two days before the interview, I said to him, “You should ask me if I’m gay, because I’m going to tell you that I am”.’
Due to the time difference, Thorpe was asleep when the program was aired in Australia.
He woke up to overwhelming support from his loved ones, and a lot hate mail from strangers – some who were from the queer community.
‘It’s quite weird because I don’t know anyone else’s individual circumstances. I grew up in a conservative Christian family, which makes it more difficult,’ he said.
‘There were multiple factors that added to my decision. That is why people shouldn’t be pressured into coming out.’
‘Profiles in Hope’ is written by former NSW Liberal Opposition leader John Brogden (pictured) and published by Hatchette. Brogden, the former chair of Lifeline, made a very public attempt on his life after belittling NSW Premier Bob Carr’s wife as a ‘mail-order bride’
The irregular drug test
Thorpe said he was in a severe depression after the irregular drug test claim left him fighting to save his reputation.
‘In that kind of state, you’re entirely irrational, your logic is warped. It’s only in the periods when you have clarity of mind, when your mental health is good, that you can actually reflect on things and say, “Well, I could have done this”,’ he said.
‘I realised what I was doing wasn’t working, and that I needed help. So I got that help, and even though I was still in a long-term depressive state, I got better. I wasn’t at the point of suicide.’
Thorpe now leads a private life and says he’s happy.
To manage his mental health, he writes in a journal, does breathing exercises, and knows what signs to watch out for.
‘If I’m not showing up for things I enjoy, or if I stop doing them, it’s a sign. I enjoy cooking, so if I stop cooking and ordering food delivery, am I just being lazy or is something happening?’ he said.
‘Sometimes I am actually being lazy. It’s knowing when to check myself.’
For confidential crisis support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14
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