SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21
Fifty Shades Of Grey star Jamie Dornan must spend his entire life having to fend off questions about kinky sex from breathless female fans.
Yet his real-life passion doesn’t actually involve whips, paddles or blindfolds – more clubs, balls and wild shanks.
Today we were on the same flight to Los Angeles. When we landed, he came over to say hello and had only one thing on his mind.
‘Piers, good to see you. How was the Dunhill?’
YouGov has launched a new website that tracks real-time popularity of everything from politicians to chocolate bars. Its first survey revealed that I am currently the fifth-most famous person in the UK with a 98 per cent recognition rating, beating Prince Harry, John Lennon, Daniel Craig, Oprah Winfrey, Boris Johnson and the England football team
He was referring to the recent Alfred Dunhill Links Championship golf tournament up in Scotland, which pits amateurs with professionals. He usually plays but couldn’t this year due to filming commitments.
‘I saw you made your debut,’ he sighed. ‘I was SO jealous…’
Jamie’s eyes were sparkling with almost as much excitement as Christian Grey’s when Anastasia Steele first arrives to interview him.
Like me, his enthusiasm for golf comfortably exceeds his ability.
But as US golf legend Jimmy Demaret once put it: ‘Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.’
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28
A text message from Holly Willoughby: ‘Piers, as you know I’m a global style icon. This Morning is doing a feature where I help people with absolutely no dress sense and I immediately thought of you. What WAS that hideous thing you were wearing last time I saw you?’
Sorry, WHAT?
‘Hope you won’t be offended but could you come in with a few of your outfits for Phil and me to laugh at? In return you’ll get a whole new wardrobe. Need to know ASAP, love Holly xxx.’
What a damn cheek.
‘NO!’ I replied, bristling with indignant rage. ‘I am already a bloody style icon!’
I was still seething several hours later when another text arrived: ‘Don’t worry, that last text wasn’t real. I’ve just been part of Michael McIntyre’s show where I gave him my phone and he sent out a text to some of my contacts. I chose you because I thought you’d enjoy the laugh.’
Ho ho.
Millions of viewers will now not only see me cruelly mocked for my style but also suffering a chronic sense of humour failure.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31
Football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo today overtook singer Selena Gomez to become the most popular person on Instagram, with a staggering 144 million followers.
I can confirm he’s a very active user of the social-media platform.
Two weeks ago, a private message popped up in my own Instagram inbox – from Ronaldo, whom I have never met.
‘Hello sir! How are you?’ it began. ‘I saw your documentary on Netflix!’
We exchanged a few messages before he suggested we have a chat on the phone. So he rang, and we had a great chat for nearly an hour.
It turns out Ronaldo is an avid fan of my Killer Women and Serial Killer crime series.
‘I watch them all with my girlfriend in bed,’ he said, ‘and we love them. She said I should tell you that, so I am now telling you!’
We spoke about a lot of other stuff too, including how he nearly signed for Arsenal when he was a teenager, before joining Manchester United.
‘Yes, it nearly happened,’ he said.
‘Ssshhh Cristiano, I don’t want to hear it,’ I interrupted, ‘it’s too painful.’
When the rather surreal conversation ended, I realised I had no way of proving it had ever happened to my three football-mad sons. I messaged Ronaldo to explain the problem, and two minutes later a WhatsApp video popped back.
‘Spencer, Stanley and Bertie!’ he began, ‘just to say how are you? I hope to see you one day! I spoke with your Daddy and any time you want to come and watch a game here in Torino, you’re very welcome. OK guys, bye bye.’
He even saluted them at the end.
If this doesn’t win me Father of the Millennium, nothing will.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4
A text message from Cheryl Cole: ‘Hi Piers, babe! I’m getting private art lessons and my homework this week is life drawing. Would you come round and pose naked for me? It’ll only take a few hours, we can have a good natter, and don’t worry, I’ll whack the heating up! If you’d rather, we can position fruit and stuff in front of your naughty bits. Let me know, love Cheryl xxx.’
For a very brief nano-second, my ego convinced myself that this was a genuine invitation. After all, Cheryl once willingly married Ashley Cole, so her bar for male nudity is clearly very low.
Then I realised it was the exact same time on a Sunday night that Holly Willoughby’s text had arrived last week, did the maths and replied: ‘Of course! I thought you’d never ask.’
Sure enough, another text from Cheryl arrived an hour later: ‘Don’t worry, that last text wasn’t real. I’ve just been part of Michael McIntyre’s show…’
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
YouGov has launched a new website that tracks real-time popularity of everything from politicians to chocolate bars.
Its first survey revealed that I am currently the fifth-most famous person in the UK with a 98 per cent recognition rating, trailing only David Beckham (100 per cent), Theresa May (100 per cent), Prince William (99 per cent) and Paul McCartney (99 per cent) – but beating Prince Harry, John Lennon, Daniel Craig, Oprah Winfrey, Boris Johnson and the England football team (all 97 per cent).
I must say, I’m absolutely stunned by this result. How can two per cent of the British population not know who I am?