JACI STEPHEN: Meghan about to give birth? Call Sajid Javid!
Secrets Of The Royal Babies
Monday, ITV
Let’s Talk About Sex
Friday, Channel 4
Rating: 
Grand Designs: The Street
Thursday, Channel 4
Rating: 
Long before Meghan Markle married into the royal family, I was a fan. Having watched the US legal drama Suits (which quickly became my favourite show) from the start, I was struck not only by her beauty but her charismatic on-screen presence that lit up every scene in which her character, Rachel Zane, appeared. No female outsider marrying into royalty is to be envied. Every hemline is too short or too long; every strand of hair is too neat or too wild; and heaven help you as you prepare to bear the fruit of the royal loins. The mother-to-be is too pallid, too dressy, too underdressed, too chatty, too reclusive. Given what awaits them on the outside, it’s a miracle royal babies do not apply to extend their lease in the publicity-free comfort of the womb.
Secrets Of The Royal Babies focused on Prince Harry and Meghan as they prepare to welcome their first child. Will they have a nanny? Will they choose traditional names? Will they pose on the steps of St Mary’s Hospital’s Lindo Wing in Paddington for the public’s first glimpse of the newborn? (Apparently not, we learn, in what is perceived as a snub. Posing on the escalator to The Mad Bishop & Bear pub in the train station would be a more attractive proposition.)
Secrets Of The Royal Babies focused on Prince Harry and Meghan as they prepare to welcome their first child
There was little new in a programme that largely repeated familiar media headlines, such as the Queen’s displeasure when Princess Diana posed in her bikini while pregnant with William. There were, however, some nuggets of historical amusement: for example, from 1688, a senior politician had to stand outside the room of the royal birth to confirm the baby was not swapped. When the Queen was born in 1926, the Home Secretary had to run from dealing with matters of state relating to the General Strike to the Palace to witness the grand event. I think the practice should be resurrected. Come on, Sajid Javid, you know you want to. Give us all a treat on Instagram.
The programme concluded that Harry and Meghan are ‘just two new parents striking out for the first time’. Hmmm. Hardly. But you would have to possess a heart of stone not to wish every joy to the young man we remember walking behind his mother’s coffin in 1997. And Suits’ loss is undoubtedly Harry’s enormous gain.
In a joyous recap of how sex education has changed, Let’s Talk About Sex featured a child who had been told by her teacher that babies came from Buckingham Palace. Considering the number of column inches devoted to royal babies, I’m beginning to think this might well be true.
The hilarious footage was a salient reminder of how damaging, if not frightening, misinformation can be. In 2020, sex education will be compulsory in English schools. Goodness knows where this leaves Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. The only sex education in my Welsh secondary school was when they herded us into the hall one afternoon and showed us Don’t Look Now starring Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie. The explicit sex went straight over my head. I just thought that Venice looked like a nice place I fancied visiting for a holiday.
Accompanying the programme’s archive material were interviews with parents and their children. Among the celebrity contingent were Danny Dyer and his daughter. Danny was not impressed with a 1971 sex-education film that incurred national outrage, owing to the explicit nature of the couple making love. ‘It’s just a geezer landing on top of a bird,’ said Danny. Oh, you old romantic, you. He had more to say on the subject of women giving birth. ‘You are in awe of her… for a quarter of an hour.’ And who says he only ever plays himself.
Children poring over explicit pictures delivered great entertainment (breastfeeding: ‘Why can’t they just buy a cup of milk?’), as did old films about things women can and cannot do during their time of the month. One strenuous activity came with a major warning: DON’T SQUARE DANCE. Who knew?
If you thought the design of the human body was complex, try building your own house. Grand Designs: The Street is following the construction of 10 houses in what will eventually become a whole community. Billed as ‘the biggest self-build enterprise the UK has ever seen’, the first episode saw Terry and Olwen begin their project alongside friend and neighbour Lynn. It was as exciting as watching paint dry which, in fact, is all it was – well, watching concrete harden, to be precise. Terry got very excited when his insulated roof arrived; I suspect the producers got more excited when Terry’s health began to suffer. The result was two beautiful homes. Maybe building their own palace could be next on eco-warriors Harry, Meghan and Plus One’s to-do list. Even royal babies need to earn their keep.
