JANA HOCKING: These are the five sex languages

I woke up yesterday morning with a glow that can only be obtained by a good nudie rudie session with my favourite gent. For the rest of the day I was on a natural high.

Seriously, it was like I was dosed up on some kind of wonder drug – a blend of serotonin, dopamine, endorphins and a hint of oxytocin.

As I skipped about my day, I reflected on my early morning roll in the hay and realised that I had found someone who matched my ‘sex language.’

Your sex language? I hear you ponder. Yes, that’s exactly what it was.

By now you’ve probably already heard about the five ‘love languages’. They are the five different ways all of us choose to express and receive love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. 

But your sex language is quite different and there are five to pick from: energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter.

We all seem to possess one or two love languages. For example, I show my love through physical touch, but I prefer to receive love through words of affirmation.

Now that’s all very sweet, and sure, it helps match you with someone who can meet your needs on an emotional scale, but why do we discount the importance of sex when it comes to obtaining a successful relationship?

I’ve met the most wonderful men who have ticked the right boxes when it comes to love languages. One in particular would shower me with words of affirmation. I would wake up to ‘Good morning beautiful’ texts and constant reinforcement that I was the only one for him (yes I am aware I’m a needy bugger). 

But do you know why it didn’t work… because when we got under the bed sheets it was all a little meh. We spoke different sex languages. I like a little rough and tumble, he prefers sweet and nice love making. We’re talking mid-session face strokes and looking deep into my eyes as we ‘made love.’

No. Just no.

I’ve met the most wonderful men who have ticked the right boxes when it comes to love languages. But do you know why it didn’t work… because when we got under the bed sheets it was all a little meh. We spoke different sex languages

And it’s not just me. I caught up with a girlfriend last week who has been taking it slow with a guy she’s been dating. Last weekend she decided he could be a keeper so they did the deed. When I met up with her for brunch the next day she looked grim. ‘Sooooo how was it?’ I asked. She gave a heavy-hearted sigh and said just two words… ‘Not good.’

For the next hour she complained that he was perfect in every other way, just not in the sack. He made this weird grunting noise and performed like a jackhammer.

Now let’s not discount our love interests on the first go. Sure, I’ve had mediocre sex with a guy, but practise makes perfect, and it can be salvageable. But the wrong sex languages can make for a hard no.

So how do you know what your sex language is? And how do you find your match? Well if there’s anyone who would know it’s our sister in all things sex related – Gwyneth Paltrow. Deep in her goop archives I found one of her Sexologists known as Jaya, who has designed something she calls the ‘Erotic Blueprint.’

So how do you know what your sex language is? And how do you find your match? 

Well if there’s anyone who would know it’s our sister in all things sex related – Gwyneth Paltrow. Deep in her goop archives I found one of her sexologists known as Jaya, who has designed something she calls the ‘Erotic Blueprint.’ 

It’s an arousal map that reveals your primary erotic language. There are five to pick from: 

The sensual type

This sex language refers to someone who loves taste and smell when it comes to the bedroom. 

Jaya said they ‘bring their artistry’ and ‘want to walk into a beautiful setting when they’re coming into their erotic play’. 

‘The superpower of sensual is that they have full-body access to orgasmic pleasure through sensations – it isn’t always a genital-focused orgasm,’ Jaya said. 

‘It could be something like somebody feeding you a delicious piece of chocolate while they lick the back of your knee.’

The energetic type

This is someone who is turned on by anticipation, space, tease, longing, yearning, and is also ‘very sensitive’.

Jaya said ‘energetic’ may well be your love language if you ‘feel everything before a kiss happens’. 

‘It’s like, Oh my god, oh my god, we’re going to kiss. We’re going to kiss, ah. That feeling,’ she said.  

‘You are very, very sensitive, so it doesn’t take much to turn you on. It’s like dropping a pebble into water. If you drop the pebble into water, the ripples will go out.’

The sexual type

The sexual type is someone who is turned on by what we think of as ‘adult content’ in our culture – such as nudity, genitals, orgasm, penetration. 

Those who have a sexual type are often turned-on pretty easily and can go from zero to 100 quickly. 

‘It’s not that there’s a lack of depth, but there is a simplicity. It’s like, I love this. This is what works. Let’s do this,’ Jaya said. 

‘It’s very straightforward in some ways; it’s easier to access arousal through the genitals’

The sexual type is someone who is turned on by what we think of as sex in our culture – such as nudity, genitals, orgasm, penetration. Those who have a sexual type are often turned-on pretty easily and can go from zero to 100 quickly (stock image)

The kinky type 

Unlike the previous sex languages, the kinky type is someone who is turned on by taboo – whether this is something psychological or physical sensation-based. 

On the psychological end of the spectrum, Jaya said this kink is where power dynamics are involved, while something more sensation-based is more about ‘the feeling of ropes on their skin or impact play, or intense sensation that arises’. 

‘It’s not necessarily what we think of as kink, though; it’s about what’s taboo for you,’ Jaya said. 

The shapeshifter type 

Lastly, the shapeshifter type refers to someone’s who can be turned on in every possible way – sensual, sexual, kinky and energetic. 

‘The superpower of a shapeshifter is that they can shapeshift to be an amazing lover to anyone,’ Jaya said.  

‘They can say, ‘Oh, my partner is a sensual – I’ll shapeshift to be a sensual.’ And they’re turned on by that.’