Never mind the sexual antics of Love Island, apparently we need people with special knowledge to decode the behaviour of another exotic group – the British Royal family.
Their job is to tell the rest of us whether to call a table napkin a serviette, in case we get invited round for a vegan stir fry with Harry and Meghan.
These ‘royal’ experts try to explain why Charles always has his hands in his pockets (which I was brought up to avoid at all costs, especially when someone was talking to me), why it takes an hour and three servants to iron a Royal sheet, why Diana bonked her bodyguard (long before the telly series of the same name pinched her story line), and why William and Harry are losing their hair.
This week royal watchers went into overdrive with one simple gesture… Meghan closing her own car door before walking into the opening of ‘Oceania’ at the Royal Academy of Arts
Royal experts are thrilled that their cast of characters is being expanded as Kate Middleton is returning to ‘work’ soon after her maternity leave – apparently those appearances at posh weddings were ‘private’ events, in case you wondered.
This week the royal watchers went into overdrive, signalling that September 2018 will go down in the history books as the moment when a smiley mixed race woman finally dragged the British monarchy into the 21st century.
It was accomplished with a simple- some might say humble- gesture, one that summed up (according to sycophants) her totally ‘modern’ approach to her new toff status. Yes, Meghan Markle, now the Duchess of Sussex, CLOSED HER OWN CAR DOOR!
More from Janet Street-Porter For Mailonline…
Arriving at London’s Royal Academy on her first solo engagement, to open Oceania, an exhibition showcasing the art and culture of the Pacific, Meghan stepped out of her limo – the door held open by a flunkey – then, turned around and closed it.
Job done, she could get on with meeting a lineup of important people, delivering a short speech, and rubbing noses with a group of maori dancers and performers.
Immediately, the Sun’s Royal Correspondent was congratulating the Duchess for showing she could still ‘take the time’ for these simple little tasks. Etiquette expert William Hanson offered up his take on door-gate, in case we hadn’t understood it’s importance – ‘it is usually done by others for security reasons’.
I find that closing the car door is also a good idea if the weather is windy, in case it blows back on your leg, wrecking your £25 Wolford designer tights, or (worse) mows down a passing cyclist, who will start shouting obscenities.
Meghan had clearly practised for this earth-shattering moment. Arriving at the launch of a charity cookbook in aid of the Grenfell survivors with her mother a few days earlier, she leapt out of the back seat and quickly shut the door.
I’m sure security staff are already mulling over the implications of her impetuous actions – more of this kind of behaviour could result in staff redundancies.
The gesture generated praise for Meghan’s humble attitude, but Janet Street-Porter is not convinced
Sadly, Meghan is not the trail-blazer we hoped – it has emerged that the Duchess of Cambridge has been shutting her own car door for some time, even whilst carrying Princess Charlotte in her arms back in 2016.
Meghan might be trying to send a message that she’s the same simple girl, but as etiquette expert Mr Hanson reminds us ‘life is very different for Meghan now she’s joined The Firm -‘ no more selfies or autographs.
No vote and no public social media’.
Meghan says she’s a feminist who fights for women’s rights, but she signed away her chance to vote for our democracy. Maybe the chance to wear a procession of couture outfits costing thousands of pounds and live with a multi-millionaire made that bitter pill easier to swallow.
Playing netball in high heels at an awards ceremony in Loughborough this week was just plain daft, according to Janet Street-Porter
And those four inch heels? They are not footwear women can fight in, they are unsteady and uncomfortable. A woman can wear what she chooses, but in Meghan’s position – cue the car door moment – everything she does/says/ and wears will be picked over.
Playing netball in high heels at an awards ceremony in Loughborough this week was just plain daft. Meghan wants other women to feel comfortable and be themselves, not conform to hackneyed stereotypes, but she needs to lead by real example, not car door handle moments.
She projects a very narrow, version of glamorous femininity, in complete contract to her mother, who seems much happier in her own skin and who has her own relaxed style.
Fans gushed that the ‘door closing’ moment showed that Meghan was ‘humble’ and ‘down to earth’…’just like the rest of us’. According to the etiquette expert ‘she’s going to be doing things her way and helping to adapt and progress the British Monarchy’.
As Private Eye would say, pass the sickbag. I find it’s easier to be modern when wearing a £2500 Givenchy dress and channelling Audrey Hepburn, although it’s not a look I plan to emulate on the London Underground any time soon.
When it comes to Royal transport, Meghan is a fast learner, having made a mistake on her first public engagement with the Queen, by faffing about next to their car, and then asking Ma’am which side she fancied sitting on.
Apparently the Queen ‘always sits behind the driver, although etiquette stipulates that the most senior person in a car should sit diagonally behind the chauffeur’.
Just keep that pearl of wisdom in your mind, when you’re arguing about who gets the most leg room in the Uber home after a night out. And make sure you shut the door.