The pregnant fashion blogger and self-dubbed ‘Man Repeller’ Leandra Medine has revealed her motherhood fears in a honest open letter.
Leandra, 29, took to her own website to share her feelings of ‘fear, shame, nostalgia and guilt,’ which she says surfaced after she thought her water broke during a family dinner at her parent’s apartment.
She wrote: ‘An hour and two speculum exams later, our theory about both the fluid’s consistency and smell were proven false. What I had done, really, was pee a grand pee on the freshly cleaned floors of my parents’ apartment.’
Expecting: Leandra Medine, 29, shared an open letter on her website expressing her fears for motherhood
Leandra was standing by the entryway in her parents’ home when she felt ‘a small rush of liquid drip down my leg.’
Her dad and brothers laughed at the sight, while her mother and husband ‘knelt to inspect the puddle,’ trying to figure out if her water had broken. They decided to go to the hospital to be safe.
On the way there Lenadra, said she began to think about the future and the drastic change her life was about to take, assuming she was about to give birth. But it was a false alarm, and Leandra went home with her babies still in utero.
That ‘accident’ had sparked an array of emotions that made the writer question if she was ready to be a mother, despite wanting a baby after suffering a miscarriage two years ago and going through various fertility treatments.
As she lay in bed that night, her fears came to light and she let out a ‘kind of cry that shakes your entire body’. The culprit for her tears turned out to be fear, nostalgia, gratitude, shame and guilt.
Guilt and shame: Two of the emotions she was feeling were guilt and shame along with nostalgia
Fear: She said she was fearful because ‘I have no idea what the hell to expect’
‘Fear because I have no idea what the hell to expect. Am I even capable of being a good mother? I am such a selfish person. Will my selfishness go away? Can people really change?’ she wrote.
Second, she felt a wave of nostalgia for her life before babies, which had a freedom that came with spontaneity and little responsibility. But there was also nostalgia around the fact that she would no longer get her children all to herself and would soon have to share them with the rest of the world.
Next, she felt gratitude because her body had proved that she could have children even after her fertility struggles.
Fourth, was guilt because she blamed her inability to conceive on her career. But now, she said she cherishes her work and suspects she will need to more so when her babies come.
‘And finally there was shame,’ she said. ‘So much shame, because I have wanted this so badly for so long, yet here I am, petrified to become a mother. Sometimes I wake up and wonder to myself, What if the routine of it all downright depresses me? What if I fall back into the cave and just can’t get out?’
She called the final days of her pregnancy an ‘impassioned tornado,’ a time when she has held conflicting emotions simultaneously. She compared it to having necklaces tangled in knots.
Gratitude: Next, she felt gratitude because her body had proved that she could have children
‘Only, that premise is flawed — conflicting emotions are always wrapped up in each other. That tornado is actually discomfort manufactured by anxiety, which just can’t handle this level of uncertainty.’
In her post, Leandra likened the life change to an ‘identity crisis’ that made her question if ‘she really wanted this’.
Ultimately, yes she did but now that she’s pregnant it comes down to leaving her comfort zone and entering into uncharted territory.
She felt this way before she got married, too — but once she tied the knot, she forgot her nerves and anxiety.
‘So here I am. Still pregnant and clenching my butt cheeks, biting my nails and racking my brain to figure out if I’m a masochist with no idea of who I am and what I want because of the fear and shame and guilt and nostalgia,’ she wrote.
‘But by now, I should know better — I have to surrender, unclench my butt cheeks and, you know, let the fluid flow.’
Leaving the comfort zone: She said that in the final days of her pregnancy she has clung to the past
Surrender: Leandra said that the only thing she can do is ‘let the fluid flow’ and get ready for her tiny, new arrivals
Leandra announced her pregnancy, after a final round of hormone therapy, back in November in a candid post on her site. She shared how emotionally draining the journey to conception was for her and her husband, Abie J. Cohen, a financial adviser for the Swiss investment bank UBS.
‘I’m 22 weeks pregnant now and I can’t believe that all the energy I spent trying to run my company and my marriage and my life into the ground was a byproduct of how desperate I am to become a mother,’ she wrote at the time.
‘My road was freckled with fangs that threw me off course so many times, but perspective wants me to tell you that I don’t regret it, that I wasn’t actually thrown off course. That was my course. This is my course. I wish I had known this. I wish I could have believed Abie when he said I would be happy again.’
And in a message to those going through her same struggles, she added: ‘I hope that you believe me when I say you will be, too.’