News, Culture & Society

Lesbian couple share their dilemma after one transitions to male

Lesbian couple share their dilemma after one transitions to a man, leaving people assuming they are a straight couple when they are proudly gay

  • Kate Murray and Andy Arnold are an engaged couple living in Washington DC 
  • Two years ago, Andy transitioned to male and it left Kate struggling to cope with how to express herself as a queer woman
  • She says it felt like a ‘lie’ that they were perceived as a heterosexual couple
  • The pair told their story this week to shine a light on the complexities of same sex relationships and gender identity  

A couple who met as two women have shared their dilemma after one transitioned to become male, leaving the other struggling to cope after years of being in a same-sex relationship. 

Andy Arnold and Kate Murray have been together for several years. In 2017, Andy revealed that he identified as a man and would be transitioning. 

While Kate was supportive of his decision, it has since left her struggling to cope since she is inherently homosexual and attracted to women. 

The pair, who are still together and are now engaged, say they are working to ‘navigate’ the issue as a team, told their story on Wednesday to The Washington Post. 

Andy Arnold and Kate Murray are engaged. Until two years ago, Andy, right, was a woman. Now, Kate – who is proud of being a lesbian – is struggling to cope with the change 

‘No matter how much I want to separate my trans identity from who I am, I can’t. 

‘I can’t separate it from my relationship with Kate because she is a queer woman. It’s a daily dance that we navigate,’ Andy explained. 

‘I want to be seen as a man. I don’t want to have any sort of mark on me … that says, “I am trans.” I think if I were more inclined to do that, Kate and I would probably have an easier time. 

‘Some people do feel like, “I need to represent … the group I’m a part of.” But not me — I just want to blend,’ he said. 

Their story shines a light on the complexities of same sex relationships and the stark difference between gender identity and sexuality. 

In sharing their story, they did not reveal many details like when exactly they met or how long they have been together. 

They live in the District of Columbia but no other specifics were given.

At the start of their relationship, the pair said they were in a group of largely female friends. 

When Andy decided to transition, they sough out a new social circle to allow him to be himself without having to refer to his past life as a woman.

But Kate was uncomfortable with the new dynamic. 

‘It felt like a lie,’ she said, explaining that she felt she could not identity as gay because her partner was now a man. 

She is now frustrated that people assume she is straight because she is dating a man.

To illustrate the unique scenario, she gave the example of a recent birthday party when she and a group of friends went to a local gay bar. 

Kate, who said she dresses femininely, was wearing a tight pink dress.

She said that the bartender ‘thought she was a straight woman celebrating her birthday in a gay bar.’ 

Having been brought up by two mothers, she says she is proud to be queer. 

She became upset when they threw bridal showers for the pair earlier this year and Andy’s decorations were all rainbows – a universal sign to celebrate the LGBTQ community. 

Kate’s were all pink. 

‘We want to be treated like a man and a woman like everybody else, but we also want our underlying identities to be acknowledged in some way. My queerness can exist in my attraction to Andy, and his transness can exist. 

‘I think that kind of fluidity is hard to grasp,’ she said.  


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