Love, sex and dating expert ROSIE GREEN reveals she has a love rival: Her boyfriend’s phone

Views on musicals? Personal hygiene standards? Accepting a Bounty Bar instead of a Snickers when sharing a Celebrations box? When I was dating, these were the pressing questions I asked upon a first meet-up.

Enquiring about screen time? Not so much.

Well, maybe I should have shown more interest because according to couples therapist Joanna Harrison – who has written a book called Five Arguments all Couples (Need to) Have – phone use is up there with the most contentious issues your union faces.

According to her, alongside things like your approach to sex, money, domestic chores and in-laws, there’s a substantial amount of research showing that your scrolling time correlates to how satisfied you are in your relationship.

I get it. If you’re telling your partner about the minutiae of your day and they’re glued to their screen it feels like a mini rejection. Those micro resentments build up over time, because giving and getting attention is crucial to a relationship. 

And, the experts warn, if you are missing it, you might start to look somewhere else. 

Anyone with above-basic levels of emotional intelligence knows that being present with a partner is imperative. But the pull of the screen is so strong.

I have to admit that a 3in x 5in piece of metal rules my world. It’s work, it’s social life, it’s shopping, it’s practicalities such as alarms, maps, diary. 

It is everything. If I accidentally leave my phone at home I have separation anxiety. 

I feel all twitchy and unnerved, like I’ve forgotten to wear knickers or lock my front door, and I can’t rest until we are reconnected.

You might be in close proximity to someone physically, but if you’re glued to your screen, you’re disconnected from them mentally (Stock image)

It’s hard to remember a time when my mental stability wasn’t dependent on being in reassuringly close proximity to my device.

I can see how phones can cause issues. I’m rational enough to accept that my boyfriend and I are equal in our usage (equally bad, that is), but that’s not to say there aren’t times when I’m internally screaming ‘put that down and look at meeeeeee!’ – and I know he sometimes feels the same.

So I thought about the ways our phones cement ‒ and challenge ‒ relationships and these are my rules for a smooth connection…

• Boost your charger etiquette. Your attitude to charging can symbolise love and care: ‘I’ve put yours on charge and given you the fast charger.’ Which is the 2022 equivalent of killing a mammoth for dinner. On the flipside, avoid the passive-aggressive conversation (who’s responsible for the one that’s gone awol?).
• Are you Insta compatible? A real relationship tester. If you are into the app, as I am, then your partner is inevitably roped into taking photos. And not a simple snap. My boyfriend often has to assume contorted positions to ensure I don’t look like an orc. And in restaurants or hotels he can’t eat the food or lie on the bed until I have the money shot.
• Avoid losing it. If my phone goes missing panic rises and I can’t maintain any level of composure. I’ll frantically shout, ‘Can you ring it?’ then hold my handbag to my ear before throwing everything out of it. Not attractive.
• Plan a pillow talk. Where you stand on bringing phones into the bedroom can be a relationship friction point. Is it an all-out ban or a mutual switch to airplane mode? Or maybe they prefer theirs to ping through the night? My boyfriend likes to listen to sporting podcasts at 3am. I have earplugs for this eventuality.
• Synch your link-ups. I love that phones connect us when we are apart, but audio only, please, rather than an impromptu FaceTime. I don’t want to be seen in a bad light (literally). Who does?

I’ve reached the conclusion that when it comes to phones, it’s about resisting the short-term hit of dopamine your device provides for the long-term gain of being present in your relationship. You might be in close proximity to someone physically, but if you’re glued to your screen, you’re disconnected from them mentally. So, from now on, I’m going to look my boyfriend in the eye and fully listen to his chat. And then I’ll put his phone on fast charge.

@lifesrosie