I managed one day without sugar, one day without booze, a couple with some exercise and stayed off social media for a few more
How are your New Year’s resolutions going? I’ve kept all mine. Well, not exactly. I managed one day without sugar, one day without booze, a couple with some exercise and stayed off social media for a few more.
And I ate a vegan meal. In fact, I’m still eating it. As the comedian Victoria Wood once said of getting through a bowl of muesli, it’s time-consuming work.
I should have done a little better, I know. But no matter, salvation is at hand!
Gwyneth Paltrow, goddess of wellbeing, eliminator of life’s toxins, the way and the light to a better you, is galloping towards us on her kale-and-crystal unicorn. Her new series arrives on Netflix in two weeks. It is called The Goop Lab – the latest extension of her lifestyle brand goop (the small ‘g’ being merely the beginning of countless irritations the actress provides).
For those who’ve not had the pleasure, goop began in 2008 as a weekly newsletter Paltrow wrote ‘to nourish the inner aspect’ of her followers.
Clearly, so many women’s inner aspects were unnourished that Paltrow set up a website, goop, where they could buy food for the soul blessed by Herself. Or failing that, a £179 set of meditation bells, £30 emotional detox bath salts, assorted herbal ‘smudge’ mists, or ayurvedic antioxidants. At one point it recommended £632 loo paper.
You can – and should – laugh at this guff, but Paltrow’s rise to purveyor of inner and outer health and high priestess of purgatives is a serious business because she is just the extreme tip of the iceberg. Beneath her lies an entire wellness industry that is dedicated to preying on our insecurities, our longing for shortcuts to health and happiness, our ceaseless searching for new ways to fix old miseries.
Much is common-sense and good for us. Our body would welcome a Morning Smoothie containing ‘Moon Juice Vanilla Mushroom Adaptogenic Protein’ more than a McDonald’s milkshake, even if our tastebuds did not.
Gwyneth Paltrow, goddess of wellbeing, eliminator of life’s toxins, the way and the light to a better you, is galloping towards us on her kale-and-crystal unicorn
Common-sense living doesn’t require expensive gadgets such as juicers and spiralisers, nor does life depend on a sprinkling of organic chia seeds harvested by a druid under a full moon. Mostly, we should just eat an extra apple
Doing yoga is better for the joints than sitting hunched over a desk all day and curled up on the sofa all evening. Then there are the suggestions that won’t do us any good, though are unlikely to do much harm. Crystal energy absorption, for example. Or magnetic energy therapy. Indeed, anything with the word ‘energy’ in it.
But then there are things that can be actively harmful – either because people take them too far (intermittent fasting, perhaps, among those already prone to eating disorders), or because the word ‘natural’ is not synonymous with ‘harmless’. Spirulina (an algae-based dietary supplement), for example, is toxic to people with some conditions and can interfere with prescription medications.
Eat that apple and go to bed early. ‘Everything in moderation’ is the most boring and, alas, the best advice. Ignore the rest
And that’s even if it’s not contaminated with liver-damaging microcystins, as has been the case in America where supplements are not as tightly regulated as food and drugs.
Ultimately, everything depends on people’s vulnerability and on how easily our gullibility can be exploited.
Common-sense living doesn’t require expensive gadgets such as juicers and spiralisers, nor does life depend on a sprinkling of organic chia seeds harvested by a druid under a full moon. Mostly, we should just eat an extra apple.
There’s no need to jump on the latest commercial bandwagon as it reaches terminal velocity and fleeces its passengers. In January, when we’re all trying to improve and reinvent ourselves, we are the most susceptible. Indeed, if wellness worked, we’d all look like Paltrovian fat-free glowsticks by now.
Eat that apple and go to bed early. ‘Everything in moderation’ is the most boring and, alas, the best advice. Ignore the rest.
Oh baby, I know how Meghan feels
Actually, it’s all their baby’s fault. As soon as Meghan and Harry made their announcement, I checked the date he was born (my memory has been shot ever since I had my own infant eight years ago) and realised the blame rests at young Archie’s door. Because having a baby sends you mental.
I don’t care how many servants you have, new parents are absolutely demented.
For most of us, this manifests itself in going out half-dressed, suffering brain fogs and doing a lot of crying in the loo when we go back to work. For the Sussexes, it has resulted in binning the Royal Family and hot-footing it to Canada.
If you’ve never felt the urge to head for the hills as the in-laws appear or when the smell of filled nappy suffuses the air, you’re lucky. There are still times when, given even a fraction of Harry and Meghan’s wealth, you wouldn’t see me for dust.
Let the couple go, hunker down and recover. Then hopefully they will come back, apologise IN FULL to Grandma and resume normal service. But if it works out for them this way, good luck to them.
And then Archie can take the glory.
Stella McCartney has praised Joaquin Phoenix’s commitment to saving the planet… by wearing the dinner jacket she designed for him for the whole movie awards season rather than just once. An admirable micro-gesture or the latest gruesome example of celebrity virtue-signalling?
Samantha Cameron has launched a frock for her struggling brand Cefinn which she says is ‘ideal for covering up any holiday excesses’.
At £290, the Olivia maxi-dress – modelled by Samantha, below – with a migraine-inducing geometric print is six times the price of a similar £49.99 Zara dress that dominated the high street last summer.
SamCam stresses that her version is in ‘high-tech polyester’.
Only she, though, can accessorise with a politically humiliated husband.
At £290, the Olivia maxi-dress – modelled by Samantha – with a migraine-inducing geometric print is six times the price of a similar £49.99 Zara dress that dominated the high street last summer
I can flush out the couples that live apart
Research suggests that around 25 per cent of Britons are LATs – people who Live Apart Together.
They are married or have partners but keep separate homes. It’s a Marmite issue. You either react by crying ‘Why?!’ or calculate how you, too, might afford to live in such a blissfully civilised manner.
I’m sure the divide will correlate almost perfectly with a study of who does – and who doesn’t – clean the toilet.
Boris Johnson’s Supreme Court nemesis, judge Lady Hale, has condemned legal firms which insist women lawyers wear high heels.
It may sound trivial but as a former solicitor (albeit very briefly), I know heels are painful, and you can’t do your best work when in pain.
Trust me, if it’s your freedom that’s hanging in the balance, you don’t to rely want an agonised lawyer wobbling around on her stilettoes.
The Pope excommunicated three Orkney hermits last week for accusing him of heresy. Because that’s the Catholic Church’s biggest problem, of course. Mouthy Scottish hermits.
My religion? Cat-olic!
A study shows that atheists are more likely than churchgoers to own cats.
As the slave to a ginger tom, I believe this is because you can serve only one god and a feline one takes precedence over all intangible divinities.
Henry is omnipresent, endlessly demanding of tributes, easily moved to wrath and capricious beyond words.
And yet somehow my worship of him never lessens. Perhaps my Catholic upbringing wasn’t wasted after all.
Wise life-improvement advice from radio host Chris Evans. He urges: ‘Have two future holidays booked at all times.’ At the moment, I have planned a day-trip to Ikea and several weekend parties for eight-year-olds at soft play centres. I’m really going to have to up my game…
An engagement ring case that incorporates a camera to record your proposal in social media-ready form has been launched on a world that probably deserves it.
Faced with a suitor using one for such a pivotal moment in life would appal most people.
But if you admire someone who records every morsel of devotion for online posterity, they would be a match made in heaven.