What do you get when you throw a bunch of cheap plastic into a blender?
That’s right, a Married At First Sight dinner party!
On Wednesday, our trusty relationship experts celebrated their ‘success’ as if they were watching a completely different event. This was a bloodbath.
What do you get when you throw a bunch of cheap plastic into a blender? That’s right, a Married At First Sight dinner party!
The MAFS dinner parties are like a State of the Union address, as the couples exchange polite, awkward conversation about the week that was.
‘So, who’s banged!?’ asks Poppy.
She’s clearly expecting everyone to say ‘no’ to make her feel better about her own lack of action with FIFO worker Luke.
‘Yeah good thanks, yourself?’ On Wednesday, our trusty relationship experts celebrated their success as if they were watching a completely different event. This was a bloodbath
In comes corporate ice cube salesman Michael, grinning like a schoolgirl.
‘I just want to go into the relationship experts and be like: “You get a pay rise, you get a pay rise and you get a pay rise! They couldn’t have picked a better chick.”
Right, so Stacey and Michael clearly have. Who else?
‘Oh, god no!’ replies Mishel, who plays the virgin card despite being 48 and having two adult children.
‘So, who’s banged!?’ Poppy breaks the ice with a standard opening question. Expecting everyone to say ‘not me either!’
Next to arrive is hobby farmer David, who we know as the bloke whose $25-an-hour wage left his wife Hayley seeing red (in her bank account).
Hayley is nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, he’s surrounded by a group of sensitive individuals who wouldn’t dare…
‘Where’s ya ring and where’s ya wife!?’ Stacey immediately asks. David nearly spits Merlot all over his K-Mart wardrobe as Hayley walks in at that exact moment.
WE HAVE: In comes corporate ice cube salesman Michael, grinning like a schoolgirl. He talks about giving all the relationship experts a pay rise. Right, so they’ve clearly banged, who else?
‘Where’s ya ring and where’s ya wife!?’ Next to arrive is hobby farmer David (left) who we know as the bloke whose $25-an-hour wage left his wife Hayley seeing red
Over at Relationship HQ, the experts are watching ‘Piano Man’ live from Madison Square garden for the 35th time and think everything is going great.
At dinner, it’s easy to tell who’s here for love and who’s here for fame – the ones here for love are all crying in the corner.
Do you agree? Email Alex.Michael@mailonline.com
‘We’re married! cries Amanda, flashing her wedding band at the camera, ‘so if that means nothing to you, then see you later!’
What it means, Amanda, is $1,000 an Instagram post unless you and Tash leave early, so park your human emotions at the door and stop jeopardising her future.
As she looks around at all the expert fakers, Hayley realises her mistake and approaches David to demonstrate what she understands to be affection.
He returns to the table with a scratch on his face and tears in his eyes.
‘I’ll tell you right now, see the scratch on my face? that’s not what I’ve been dealing with at the Honeymoons, So who am I married to?’ he asks.
‘Um, Catwoman?’ mutters everyone under their breath. Which makes sense: confidence thief by day, violent temptress by night.
She’s here for love! At dinner, it’s easy to tell who’s here for love and who’s here for fame – the ones here for love are all crying in the corner (pictured is Amanda, pining over Tash)
In this scenario, David is Broke Bruce Wayne, with a bat-suit made out of Paddle Pop sticks, Clag glue and whatever loose fur he could find around the farm.
Elsewhere, retail assistant Connie is copping the serial killer edit, as her body jitters violently at the prospect of polite conversation.
‘What the he’ll, where did this girl come from?’ her groom Jonethen asks.
You’re doing it wrong! As she looks around at all the expert fakers, Hayley realises her mistake and approaches David to demonstrate what she understands to be affection. He returns to the table with a scratch on his face
‘She’s always been here!’ screams Connie. Yes, hiding under the bed with a copy of ‘Human Dissection 101’.
Back at relationship HQ, John Aiken is struck with embarrassment at what is unfolding: Dr. Trisha just bought Mayfair and all he’s got is Euston Road and two railways.
‘I don’t think we’ve seen a first dinner party quite like this. We’ve got some couples who are really invested in their partner,’ Mel Schilling says.
Human contact! Elsewhere, retail assistant Connie (R) is copping the serial killer edit, as her body jitters violently at the prospect of polite conversation
‘I don’t think we’ve seen a dinner party as successful as this!’ Mel Schilling says. Honestly, I think the producers just pop on a Downton Abbey DVD on and hope they don’t notice
Honestly, I think the producers just pop on a Downton Abbey DVD during the dinner parties and hope they don’t notice.
They’re such sensitive individuals and I don’t think the crew has the balls to show them the mess they’ve truly made.
We see it in the couples too: Poppy tells Luke she ‘misses her kids’, instead of coughing up the truth, Tash says she’s willing to ‘give it another go’… the list goes on.
Maybe that’s why the series’ divorce rate is 92% – that’s thirty-two failed couples out of thirty-five.
Three cheers! Maybe that’s why the series’ divorce rate is 92% – that’s thirty-two failed couples out of thirty-five