Married At First Sight Recap: Hayley and David are KICKED OFF

With a cast this untrustworthy, working out who’s on Married At First Sight for love and who’s just here for likes is a matter of reading between the lines.

Luckily, the only blurred lines at Sunday’s commitment ceremony were the ones used to censor all the nip slips.

So can the L-word thaw out the Ice King’s frozen-faced Queen? Will Natasha find a spare 10 seconds on her social calendar? And are there any breath mints strong enough to mask the s**t coming out of Hayley’s mouth?

Commitment ceremony #3: Can the L-word thaw out the Ice King’s frozen-faced Queen? Will Natasha find a spare 10 seconds on her social calendar? And are there any breath mints strong enough to mask the s**t coming out of Hayley’s mouth? Let’s find out

Mishel and Steve 

Old dogs, new tricks:  Last week, adrenaline junkie Mishel had an alphabetised list of complaints about Steve. This week, there was a new issue

Last week, adrenaline junkie Mishel had an alphabetised list of complaints about Steve.

‘I’m not ready to check into the retirement home yet!’ she said.

‘Steve’s idea of “thrills” is going to a popular restaurant at 6pm on a Friday, sans reservation, and asking if they have any standing room for a couple of sexy seniors.’

New problem: ‘We’re like an old married couple. We’ve been together for three years and haven’t had sex in 3 months,’ Mishel complained.

This week, Mishel only had one problem.

Mishel: ‘We’re like an old married couple that have been together for years but haven’t had sex in three months.’

Steve: ‘Well, you’re always moaning so it’s hard to tell the difference!’ 

Give me a break: ‘Well in fairness, you’re always moaning so its hard to tell the difference!’ Steve argued

John: ‘Guys, personal space and consent works in the outside world, but not here. Steve, whip those hemp pants off and give Mishel something else to whine about!’

Steve: ‘I didn’t sign up for this! I signed up to fill a much-needed niche in the Instagram influencer market for seniors. Adult nappies aren’t going to sell themselves, you know!’

Everyone: ‘Did he say “sell” or “soil?”‘

LOL wrong show! ‘Guys, personal space and consent works on the outside world, but not here. Steve, whip those hemp pants off and give Mishel something else to whine about!’ John argued

John: ‘This isn’t about sex, Steve. There’s a lot of ways you can have “non-sexual touch”.’

Mishel: ‘Ooh, the touching sounds nice!’

Decision: STAY

Long haul: Internally, Steve thought: ‘Come on mate, just a few more weeks of faking it and you’ll be up to your neck in adult nappy sponsorships’. Couple’s decision: STAY

Natasha and Mikey

The look of loathe:  Last week, Natasha (via a rep from Bondi Sands) forced Mikey to stay. This week, John wanted to know if they’d managed to find the solution to their marriage problem

The love between these two fizzled out faster than their 10-second sexual encounter. Last week, Natasha (via a rep from Bondi Sands) forced Mikey to stay.

John: ‘So, did you guys manage to find a solution to your marriage problem?’

Mikey: ‘John, you’ll be pleased to know I’ve got a whole bottle full of little blue solutions due to arrive any day now, pending any customs hiccups.’

Bitter pill to swallow: Mikey replied: ‘John, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve got a whole bottle full of little blue solutions due to arrive any day now, pending any customs hiccups!’

John: ‘I’m not talking about your penis, you idiot, I’m talking about your lack of chemistry!’

Mikey: ‘Oh, right. Yeah nah, I’m Mentos and she’s Diet Coke.’

Decision: LEAVE

Not that problem! John replied: ‘I’m not talking about your penis, you idiot, I’m talking about your chemistry?’

In that case… ‘Oh right, yeah nah I’m Mentos and she’s Diet Coke.’ Decision: LEAVE

Cathy and Josh

Honeymoon phase: ‘Once the three-week sex bender was done an’ that, I realised that I’d have to, loyk, talk to her and s**t,’ Josh admitted

John: ‘Things were going so well, but you seem to have slowed down. What’s going on?’

Josh: ‘Once the three-week sex bender was done an’ that, I realised that I’d have to, loyk, talk to her and s**t.’ 

Cathy: ‘It’s odd. Ever since he started isolating himself from me, we’ve started getting all these credit card bills from ‘Discrete Payment Services Inc’

You’ve changed: ‘It’s odd. Ever since he started isolating himself from me, we’ve started getting all these credit card bills from ‘Discrete Payment Services Inc,’ Cathy explained

Josh: ‘Babe, I already told you! I’m running an illegal clothing business from the basement and the moaning and grunting is coming from my underpaid work force!’

Nice save, Josh, nice save.

Decision: STAY

Nice save, Josh! ‘Babe, I already told you! I’m running an illegal clothing business from the basement and the moaning and grunting is coming from my underpaid work force! Josh explained. Decision: STAY

Hayley and David

Bottom of the barrel: In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock: Last week, Hayley cheated on David with Michael. David got revenge by cleaning the toilet with Hayley’s toothbrush

In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock: Last week, Hayley cheated on David with Michael, who ‘doesn’t remember it happening.’

So, being the rational hobby farmer he is, David got revenge by cleaning the toilet with Hayley’s toothbrush and putting it back in the holder.

David: ‘There’s so much s**t that comes out of her mouth anyways, I didn’t fink she’d notice! 

What’s your excuse? ‘There’s so much s**t that comes out of her mouth anyways, I didn’t fink she’d notice!’ David explained

John: ‘Well she only noticed it after you uploaded it to the show’s WhatsApp Group and tagged her in. So are you staying, or going?’

Hayley: Well as you know, David and I like it rough – I like it when he pulls my hair. Admittedly the s**t on the toothbrush move is a new one for me, but I dig it.’

David: I’m an Instagram celebrity… GET ME OUT OF HERE.

In fairness: ‘Well she only noticed it after you uploaded it to the show’s WhatsApp Group and tagged her in. So are you staying, or going?’ David: LEAVE Hayley: STAY

John: ‘Well guys, I’m as shocked as you, but i’m just now being told in my ear that you actually can do something messed up enough to be kicked off this show. Hand in your torches, the tribe has spoken.’

Everybody: ‘Um, what?’

John: ‘Whoops, sorry! Let’s just say the Channel Nine Contracts tribe has ‘spoken’ and I’ve been trying to broaden my skill set. Anyways, get out you two. 

The last laugh: ‘Well guys, I’m as shocked as you, but i’m just now being told in my ear that you actually can do something messed up enough to be kicked off this show. Hand in your torches, the tribe has spoken’. Decision: Kicked off!

…and the rest 

Jonnie’s top knot nearly popped off in shock after Connie finally voted ‘leave’. He clearly had Stockholm Syndrome because he foolish voted ‘stay’.

Sorry, Jonnie, hand in your phone at reception, it’s another week in solitary for you.

Aleks and Ivan finally admitted that they were just the right amount of crazy for each other and decided to stay.

Stacey was furious at Michael for cheating so voted ‘leave’. Michael voted ‘stay’, so he has another week to mess things up. He won’t need that long.

Read more at DailyMail.co.uk