Monica Lewinsky could not speak to her brother Michael for a YEAR during Bill Clinton impeachment

Monica Lewinsky shared new details about her affair with Bill Clinton and the maelstrom she found herself as the center of once impeachment proceedings began against the president. 

The anti-bullying advocate appeared on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast, and said that the worst part was the loneliness she felt after being forced to cut people out of her life for their own protection. 

‘I mean my family was all I had,’ explained Monica at one point.

‘I couldn’t talk to most of my friends until after they had testified. I don’t think I would have survived without my family.’

Her voice then broke as she added: ‘Although I wasn’t able to talk to my brother. For a long time.’


Lewinski: Monica Lewinsky spoke about how lonely she felt during the Bill Clinton impeachment proceedings, which lasted 13 months (Monica and brother Michael in 2011)

Don't speak: The former intern  (above during podcast) said that she could not speak to her friends until after they had given their grand jury testimony

Don’t speak: The former intern  (above during podcast) said that she could not speak to her friends until after they had given their grand jury testimony

That long time stretched from January of 1998 to February of the following year, and as Monica explained, it was done to ‘protect him legally.’

Monica again choked up when she noted: ‘And he was a sophomore in college.’ 

She then spoke about the impact her affair had on those around her being a second, separate struggle at the time.

‘There is your own guilt, and the guilt of having sucked everyone else in your life into it,’ Monica said on the podcast. 

Some of that guilt has been lifted in recent years she explained as a result of the #MeToo movement 

‘It’s one of the reasons I am so unbelievably grateful for all the changes that have been made over the past few years,’ said Monica.

‘A doctor will stop my dad in the hall and  say something positive, or someone will stop [her brother] mike at work. And alongside whatever history might be taught in class, teachers’ show my Ted Talk.’ 

Monica said it was also important to her because she has a niece and a nephew who share her name. 

The former intern previously spoke out about the grief and fear she felt when she was told that she would have to cooperate with the FBI investigation of Bill Clinton, or face time in prison on an A&E special last year. 

‘In order to cooperate and avoid charges and I would have to make monitored phone calls which they would listen in to and record and I might have to wear a wire and go see people in person,’ revealed Monica in the docuseries The Clinton Affair.

It was too much for Monica, who said that after a few hours she began to think about committing suicide. 

‘The ground completely crumbled in that moment. I felt so much guilt. And I felt terrified,’ she revealed in the interview.

An FBI agent involved in the case acknowledged this, saying that Monica was ‘alternating between being hysterical, being angry, being abusive.’

Monica admitted that she was not cooperative at the time, believing she had to protect Clinton.

‘They imagined that I would have flipped really easily. They had no plan in place for what would happen if i said no,’ she revealed in the series.

That then gave way to thoughts of ending her own life.

‘There was a point for me somewhere within these first several hours where I would be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down,’ she recalls. 

‘And in the shut down period I just remember looking out the window and thinking the only way to fix this is to kill myself.’ 

Monica then burst out sobbing.  

NYC: 'I mean my family was all I had,' explained Monica to Dax Shepard (above) on the Armchair Expert podcast

NYC: ‘I mean my family was all I had,’ explained Monica to Dax Shepard (above) on the Armchair Expert podcast

‘I just felt terrible … and I was scared … and I was mortified,’ she said while trying to regain her composure.

This all played out at the Ritz Carlton in January 1998, with the Office of the Independent Counsel getting Linda Tripp to set up a meeting with Monica.

She was then taken to a room and held by prosecutors until that night. 

Monica admitted that the thing that made this so difficult for her was the fact that she was still in love with Clinton.  

She also opened up about the affair in an essay for Vanity Fair, in which she expressed her disappointment that Bill did not think he should apologize to his former intern as well as her desire to tell Hillary she is sorry.

‘The process of this docuseries led me to new rooms of shame that I still needed to explore, and delivered me to Grief’s doorstep,’ wrote Monica.

She then lists off the examples of grief, ending with: ‘Grief for a relationship that had no normal closure, and instead was slowly dismantled by two decades of Bill Clinton’s behavior that eventually (eventually!) helped me understand how, at 22, I took the small, narrow sliver of the man I knew and mistook it for the whole.’

Monica spoke about her disappointment with Bill over the comments he made last year when asked if he owed Lewinsky a personal apology, and her disbelief that it took so long for someone to even ask that question.

It was Craig Melvin who put Bill on the spot during an interview on Today, and the former president responded to the question by saying: ‘No. I do not – I have never talked to her. But I did say publicly on more than one occasion that I was sorry.’

In response to that Lewinsky wrote: ‘So, what feels more important to me than whether I am owed or deserving of a personal apology is my belief that Bill Clinton should want to apologize. I’m less disappointed him, and more disappointed for him.’

She then added: ‘He would be a better man for it . . . and we, in turn, a better society.’

That moment was a huge shift said Monica, and one that was a long time coming.

‘If you want to know what power looks like, watch a man safely, even smugly, do interviews for decades, without ever worrying whether he will be asked the questions he doesn’t want to answer,’ she wrote in the essay.

She was also quick to admit that she had some people to apologize to for her actions.

‘My first public words after the scandal—uttered in an interview with Barbara Walters on March 3, 1999—were an apology directly to Chelsea and Mrs. Clinton,’ wrote Lewinsky.

‘And if I were to see Hillary in person today, I know that I would summon up whatever force I needed to again acknowledge to her—sincerely—how very sorry I am.’