TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: I am 46 and dating a charming man, whom I met online five months ago, and all seems to be going well.
However, last week, we had our first in-depth chat about past relationships. I was shocked to discover he has never been in a relationship for more than a year — he is 51.
I know it is hard to meet the right person, but it rings alarm bells for me. I was married for seven years and have had two other serious relationships.
I can’t understand how someone can get to 50 without getting into a long-term relationship. My friends have only fuelled my anxiety. One is convinced he has serious commitment issues and will only break my heart. Another thinks something must be wrong with him.
An anonymous reader asked TV’s Steph and Dom Parker for advice on dating a 51-year-old man who has never had a long-term relationship (file image)
But I don’t get that impression at all. I don’t want to ruin something good, but don’t know what to do. Please help.
STEPH SAYS: I understand why you’re insecure. If you’re a single woman looking for Mr Right, a man with a couple of long-term relationships under his belt — and credible reasons for their end — gets a reassuring ‘tick’.
However, I do think that is a little simplistic. Our relationship history does not define us as humans, and it would be unfair to judge someone on that alone.
Being gun-shy when it comes to love is not necessarily healthy, but neither is it a definite no-no. I do feel you are obsessing over his history when you should be entirely focused on your present.
The story you are living is between you and him and nobody else. And it may have a happy ever after. If, that is, you can relax enough to give it a chance.
At 51, he may be set in his ways and you may find it difficult, to start with. It’s true relationships teach you how to compromise, and he may have gaps in his knowledge in that area. But there’s no reason to say he wouldn’t be happy to fill those gaps in when he finds the right person. You’ve been married and know about living with someone.
As things progress, keep your eyes open for signs that he only wants to do what he wants and isn’t open to what you want too — for me, that’s a red flag — but you’re nowhere near that stage!
And you might not get there if you don’t stop worrying about his past relationships.
Steph (pictured left with Dom) advised the reader to give her partner of five months the benefit of the doubt and to be brave
It sounds like you’re also getting rum advice from friends. I’m sure it’s not deliberate, but they are advising on how to run your new relationship from the comfort of their lovely, long marriages/partnerships. Yes, they want you to be happy, but have probably forgotten what it’s like in the early days of a romance.
They might be living vicariously through you. I’m sure they’re asking you for every last detail — and they have an opinion on it, too. They can’t help taking a pop at your new relationship and feeding your fear.
This is not necessarily helpful. Yes, you need their support, but this is not the time to entertain them with stories from the dating frontline. This is your relationship. It’s not just gossip to dissect over a bottle or two.
Ignore your friends. They’re childish
So, shut out the distraction of friends and listen to your inner voice. If it’s telling you he’s a player who’s about to bail out on you then fine, act upon it.
But if it’s simply your own insecurity and fear at being left, then learn to shut that out, too.
This could be the man who’s been waiting for you for all this time. He may have been rejecting previous girlfriends because they were not right for him — after all, they were not you!
Be brave but be insightful. Give him the benefit of the doubt here and give yourselves a fighting chance.
DOM SAYS: I feel quite sorry for your poor chap. We all have to kiss a few frogs before we find our Mr or Miss Right, and to my mind there’s not much wrong with continuing the search.
Dom (pictured) whose relationships before Steph lasted less than two years, told the reader to start enjoying herself
Certainly, before I met Steph I was a six-month-to-two-years kind of man and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
In fact, I think of it as rather admirable. The majority of people are quite happy to trundle along with the status quo. They think, well, it could be better, but it could be worse, and continue until something better comes along or things become unbearable.
But your boyfriend appears to have no truck with any of that. He seems more proactive.
It appears to me that when he realises things won’t work out, he has taken the often difficult step of ending things and moving on. Is that so bad?
I understand why you’d be upset if you were one of his exes, but as his current squeeze it shouldn’t concern you. Here is a man who has the courage to call it off when it’s clear it’s going nowhere. Good for him! He may well be the most honest man in England and you should be happy to have found him.
The fact is that, while many people ‘settle’ for good enough and are often perfectly content with their choice, for others that’s not enough and they are prepared to wait for the right person to come along.
He’s the most honest man in England!
This is not always easy, but it generally is worth the wait. I have a friend who, like your chap, was in and out of shortish relationships for 25 years until he met the woman to whom he is now happily married.
Everything moved quickly between them because, contrary to what you fear, he was never a commitment-phobe, he just hadn’t met his match yet!
It seems to me you are lacking in confidence. Why don’t you believe you will be the one to change this poor chap’s luck?
You are clearly rather insecure and I’m sorry for you that that’s the case. I would urge you to try and build your sense of self-esteem. You are worrying about the fact the man you’re falling for might leave you and in so doing you’re ruining your current happiness — and his too!
He probably has no intention of ending things, but if you let your anxiety dominate, you may create the situation you fear.
Don’t let that happen. Give yourself a good talking to and start enjoying yourself!
You’ve found a man who isn’t prepared to put up with second best and has waited all this time to find ‘the one’. Fingers crossed it’s you!