A woman has provoked a furious debate by claiming she never believes mothers who say they ‘sacrificed’ their careers in favour of their husbands’ in order to raise their families.
Taking to Mumsnet’s Am I being Unreasonable, the unnamed women said she takes issue with women who say: ‘He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career’.
She said that it’s unlikely women are ‘strong-armed’ into looking after the children by their husbands, who would be happy for them to pursue their careers if they want to – assisted by childcare.
And she added that men would probably have equally successful careers, regardless of whether their wife stays at home or not, provided they have good childcare arrangements.
Her comments divided opinion with furious oppoonents claiming that stay-at-home mothers do boost their partners’ careers by picking up the slack at home and taking time off when the children are sick.
However, some did agree with her with one commenting: ‘Millions of couple both work, likewise so do many single people with children. Childcare is more abundant than ever and if you truly can’t fit in housework then you can hire a cleaner. Lots didn’t have careers to sacrifice and don’t want to work.’
British parents have debated on Mumsnet whether men get to be more successful at work because their spouses ‘sacrifice’ their careers to look after the children (stock picture)
The lively thread kicked off with the original poster insisting that men whose wives have taken a step down to look after their children would be equally happy with extensive wraparound childcare so that their partners could work.
She added quitting work or going part-time was often a ‘welcome choice for women, and not something they were strong-armed into’
‘In my experience (unless childcare costs eclipse the wife’s salary) the husband is usually indifferent (aside from the w***** who want a trophy wife) as to whether the wife works or not,’ she added.
‘I’m sure there’s a small minority of women who’ve accelerated their husbands career but I think for most, they’d have been the same with or without their wife, although granted possibly with no children or higher childcare costs,’ they said.
Taking to Mumsnet’s Am I being Unreasonable , an unnamed British women said she takes issue with women who say: ‘He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career’, arguing that for many mothers it’s a ‘welcome choice’ rather than a hardship
This sparked a furious debate on the parenting forum, with many people saying that taking a step back in their career to take care of the children had allowed their partners to be free to succeed.
‘The husband might have been in the same place career wise, but might not be as well mentally or have such a healthy/happy lifestyle, without the Stay At Home Mother,’ one said.
‘Always be wary of what a married man has to say. It’s usually completely different to what he says to his wife, or what he actually wants. Men do want the complete package as well as women,’ they added.
Another said that their husband does benefit from the fact she prioritises their children over her career.
‘I didn’t accelerate his career. He earned it himself. But he couldn’t have done the job without me to pick up childcare for OUR child,’ they said.
‘I don’t care for the implication that the poor man gets tied down by having a wife and child. I’m not a hanger on. I contributed just as much as he did.
People said women did have to take a step down in their career in order to look after children when they were sick or needed help, meaning their husband go to be more successful and free
‘He contributed more money than me but somebody had to be available for pick up from nursery/ school,’ she added.
Another wife, who is the higher earner, said it’s easier to enjoy a successful career when one partner looks after the kids.
‘We’ve been discussing this at work recently, as we have a level of management that is overwhelmingly female and above that is almost exclusively male. The majority of the women have kids, and the vast majority of the more senior males have stay-at- home wives,’ she said.
‘It’s a easier to stay later at work, go for a drink with the boss and dedicate more of your attention to work if you know you never have to be the one to deal with a childcare emergency,’ she added.
‘And I say this as the higher earner in my relationship (and a female), but I think one partner has to decide to de-prioritise their career if the other wants to be a high flyer,’ she added.
Another person agreed: ‘My dad was only able to have a high flying career with international travel because my mum organised everything.
‘She really did sacrifice her very successful and academic career for him. She still worked (full time mostly) but wasn’t able to get to a really senior level until my brother and I were 16+,’ she said.
‘We even had an after school nanny until we were both over 12. They’ve been divorced for over 12 years now (I’m in my 30s) – my dad has a huge pension package that my mum won’t see any benefit of, even though she enabled it,’ she added.
People agreed that looking after children was not a sacrifice, but a choice women made and were happy about
And one person added that some men said they wished their partners would work, while arguing the responsibility of childcare should not fall to them.
‘I see quite a lot of blokes who “wish she’d work/work full time” BUT have zero intention of picking up the childcare slack,’ they said.
However, some people agreed with the parent that some women who stopped working did not see it as a sacrifice.
‘I think, in general, you are right. Many women don’t sacrifice their career to have children. They want children and after having them they decide they don’t want to miss their milestones and choose not to return to work or want to work part time so they have a better work-life balance,’ one said.
Anothe added: ‘I agree completely. I remember my late dad, who was lovely, making the comment he wasn’t that bothered about having children but went along with my mum who really wanted them. I think the driving force is very often women.
‘Always going to be exceptions but generally. Also sorry but too many women don’t set themselves up career wise assuming they will have children and be off,’ said another.
One person noted it was the encouragement they gave their husband rather than quitting their job that boosted their career.
‘Husband is where he is because I pushed and encouraged him to achieve his full potential, not because I stayed at home,’ they said.