WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30
My recent hospital selfie, which I unwittingly posted on Instagram while still sedated, has provoked a flurry of similar ailing celebrity patient snaps including Kate Beckinsale (burst ovarian cyst), Nicky Campbell (kidney stones) and Andy Murray (hip replacement) – and an even bigger flurry of mockery.
As Sarah Vine scoffed: ‘We’ve had snowkini poseurs, morning faces, thigh gaps, gym photos, but is there anything more annoying than the Instagram hospital selfie of yourself looking miserable from your sickbed?’
She’s got a point.
My recent hospital selfie has provoked a flurry of similar ailing celebrity patient snaps including this from Andy Murray. Unfortunately Murray also posted an X-ray of his new hip…
Murray went further and posted an X-ray image to show off his new metal hip.
Unfortunately, it also inadvertently showed off another part of his lower abdominal region, one that definitely can’t be replaced with a piece of metal…
Susanna Reid and I were chuckling over his embarrassing cock-up (!) on Good Morning Britain this morning when a private message popped up in my Instagram inbox from the man himself: ‘Can you stop discussing my genitals on national TV please!’ Then, deploying my new perfect excuse for any accidental embarrassing images, he added: ‘I was heavily medicated at the time of posting!’
Obviously, I promptly read out Murray’s message and continued to discuss his genitals for another few minutes, much to our viewers’ amusement. One lady named Fran tweeted: ‘Thanks for the, ahem, heads up Piers, just checked out Andy’s X-ray… Mrs Murray, you lucky woman!’
I sent this on to him and he replied with THREE large smirking emojis.
Now, one could be taken as wry amusement, two as unbridled joy, but three suggests Mr Murray was enjoying the discussion a lot more than he cared to admit.
Susanna had her own cock-up to deal with after massively overdoing a spray-tanning session and arriving looking as if she’d been lying on a Barbados beach for a decade.
Ronseal Reid’s hands were almost ebony, prompting social media to erupt with hilarity when they saw them. ‘WET WIPES, NOW!’ she screamed during the next commercial break, before frantically scrubbing her hands back to ashen white again, meaning they now looked a completely different colour to her dark brown face.
This wasn’t even the funniest hand-related off-camera incident of the morning.
One of my favourite, albeit very childish hobbies, is staring at Charlotte ‘Halo’ Hawkins while she reads the news, in an effort to distract her. It’s never worked – until today, when, as a video package ran, she finally snapped and flashed me a savage V-sign.
Unfortunately for ‘Halo’, our in-house photographer Ken happened to be taking pictures of us at the time (I knew this…) and captured the whole thing for me to expose to the world the devilish side that lurks inside my angelic co-star.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31
Heat magazine has long-listed me for its ‘Secret Crush 2019’ award.
‘Roll up, roll up,’ it beseeches, ‘we urge you to delve deep into your hearts and ’fess up to those celebrity crushes that have been secretly getting you all hot and bothered.’
Given that my so-called ‘rivals’ include Kanye West, Ant & Dec and Ed Sheeran, I’m quietly confident about this one.
Especially as the list also features Lord Sugar, whose face, ironically, looks as if it’s been the subject of a prolonged and intense crush – from a two-ton anvil.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1
When famous people die, I check the internet to remind myself of any interactions we may have had over the years that might make an insightful, personal tribute. Today, comedian Jeremy Hardy sadly passed away at just 57.
Comedian Jeremy Hardy has died at just 57. I could only find one mention ever linking us, a tweet from Hardy after he’d seen one of my Serial Killer crime documentaries
I could only find one mention ever linking us, a tweet from Hardy after he’d seen one of my Serial Killer crime documentaries, that read: ‘Last night, I watched Piers Morgan interview a man who murdered 13 women. The only possible purpose in doing so was that Morgan looked relatively decent by comparison.’
RIP Jeremy. You were a very funny guy, and that’s the nearest thing to a compliment any comedian has ever paid me.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2
British Airways is celebrating its 100th anniversary and today they sent me an email revealing that this century I have flown 644,907 miles with them, equivalent to 25.9 times around the world.
The most memorable of all those trips came when I was invited on the final Concorde flight on October 24, 2003, and found myself sitting directly behind my then arch-enemy, Jeremy Clarkson.
After we’d swapped foul-mouthed insults for 20 minutes, he turned round and chucked a drink over me.
Today, after I tweeted a photo of us on the plane, Clarkson finally broke his 15-year silence on the matter to deny he ‘chucked’ anything: ‘No, I carefully poured water into your crotch so, as you emerged, it would appear you’d had a trouser accident.’
Fortunately, the water had dried by the time we landed, but not before Joan Collins and Jodie Kidd came down the aisle asking to see my ‘wet patch’.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3
Talking of Clarkson, he and his Grand Tour co-hosts James May and Richard Hammond have been accused of homophobia for joking about a Jeep Wrangler being ‘popular with the gay community’, and playing It’s Raining Men on its stereo.
Will Young led the charge against the Grand Tour hosts who’ve been accused of homophobia for joking about a Jeep Wrangler. For the love of God, you whiny little twerp: shut up
Leading the charge, as always, was the increasingly tiresome professional snowflake Will Young, who was so outraged that he is now even threatening to sue Amazon for airing the lame but harmless joke.
All you need to know about Mr Young is that he claims to suffer PTSD from being separated from his twin brother before they were born. Ironically, I now have PTSD from the torment caused by Young’s incessant, permanently offended bleating.
For the love of God, you whiny little twerp: shut up.