The dating world can often be a minefield, and you wouldn’t be alone if you have asked yourself the question ‘why am I still single?’.
But while you may have given any number of answers in the past, one psychologist believes the real reason you’re ruining your dating efforts is because you’re self-sabotaging.
Psychologist and consultant, Melanie Schilling, recently explained why we’re speaking to ourselves incorrectly about relationships – and highlighted her simple ladder strategy for identifying when you’re ready to date.
Psychologist and consultant, Melanie Schilling (pictured), recently explained why we’re ruining our dating efforts by self-sabotaging
‘There is a difference between being healthily skeptical and undermining your own happiness,’ Melanie explained (stock image)
‘Most people play a significant role in keeping themselves single,’ Melanie told Huffington Post Australia.
‘It’s common to blame external factors – for example, “it’s too cold, I’ll start dating after winter” or “there’s a man drought” – and at the core of most self-sabotage is fear.’
This fear is often linked with self protection – no one wants to get hurt or be made to feel vulnerable.
But, according to Melanie, self protection can hinder your success in the dating world rather than help it.
‘There is a difference between being healthily skeptical and undermining your own happiness,’ she explained.
Melanie believes if you hold certain views about yourself like you don’t deserve happiness, then you might be self-sabotaging (stock image)
Melanie highlighted the three different types of negative dating beliefs that can lead you to self sabotage.
These include holding certain views about yourself like you don’t deserve happiness, holding views about men and women that your prospective partner will certainly cheat and holding views about relationships in general like they never last.
The dating consultant – who has appeared on the popular TV show Married At First Sight and authored an eight-week Date Ready Program – believes there are ways to tell whether you’re ready to hit the dating world.
Melanie (pictured) has designed the Date Ready Ladder that can help you to devise where you sit in the dating world
She has designed the Date Ready Ladder that can help you to devise where you sit in the dating world.
The first three rungs on the ladder (self-sabotaging, resistant and ambivalent) showcase behaviours that can lead to a ‘dating fail’, while the top three (committed, proactive and inspired) are approaches that could in theory lead to a ‘dating win’.
‘The Date Ready program is about strategy,’ Melanie wrote on her website.
‘It’s about taking the smarts you’ve used for success in other areas of your life, and applying it to your dating life.
‘You already have within you the skills you need to meet the right partner and create a great relationship; you just need to use them in a strategic way,’ she continued.
Melanie uses the example of your career. She explained that you don’t sit around waiting for your dream job to fall into your lap, so why should you adopt that attitude with dating?
To sign up to Melanie’s Date Ready program, please click here.
Melanie has a private Facebook group for single women ready to start dating. To join it, please click here.