Relationship advice for couples: Why you stop being attracted to your partner

A relationship therapist has revealed the real reason attraction and intimacy fades in long-term relationships – and it has nothing to do with ‘needing to spice things up’ in the bedroom.

Starielle Hope Newman has worked with thousands of couples and admitted that there was a glaring common denominator when it came to their dwindling relationships.

The professional explained that when two people spend a lot of time together, tiny resentments build up and chip away at their chemistry.

Over time, it is difficult for a person to see their partner without also picturing their many faults – such as failing to do their dishes immediately or leaving dirty laundry on the floor.

Starielle recommended that couples familiarise themselves with low-grade conflict resolution in order to keep the ‘magic’ alive.

The relationship expert made a video explaining the phenomenon.

‘No one is talking about this because it’s not as simple as ‘buying some new toys’,’ she said.

She first revealed that attraction happens when energy is able to flow freely between two people, which is better known as ‘chemistry’.

The therapist revealed that being attracted to someone was similar to two people standing with a clear pane of glass between them.

‘When a relationship starts, the glass is completely clear – there’s no resentments, nothing bad is said. But over time, things go unsaid. 

‘Someone leaves their dishes in the sink without cleaning them but it’s not brought up because it isn’t a big deal, or someone else leaves their underwear on the floor.

‘Each time there is a small conflict that goes unresolved, it’s like throwing a bunch of mud at that pane of glass,’ Starielle explained.

The therapist revealed that being attracted to someone was similar to two people standing with a clear pane of glass between them

The psychologist explained that every little unresolved issue adds more mud to the previously clear glass, and after a point it becomes impossible to see the other person without thinking of their faults.

‘The energy stops flowing because you can’t see each other, and that’s when you lose the feeling of chemistry and the life force flowing between you.’

She added, ‘So, what you actually need to do is clear those resentments and have the conversations that you haven’t been having.’

The therapist recommended that all couples practice communicating with each other about small issues that upset them.

‘You may need professional help because this can get really sensitive,’ she advised.

Many resonated with Starielle’s explanation and shared their own experiences.

‘Thank you for your explanation, I feel like I understand my past relationships better now,’ a woman said. 

‘This definitely makes sense,’ said another. ‘I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and the only reason I’m still attracted to him is because we talk about everything tackle our problems together.’ 

‘[My attraction] died over eight years when he contributed nothing to the household and 100 per cent I was his mum/maid while he was drinking every night,’ a woman sadly said.