Today is National Orgasm Day, and while some of us will choose to pay homage in the ‘traditional’ manner, for a number of women that may feel like it’s not an option.
A recent study of 645 straight women from 21 different countries revealed one in six have never had an orgasm during sex.
Of those that had reached the point of climax, it took on average 13 minutes and 25 seconds to get there.
And according to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, 67 per cent of women surveyed owned up to faking one.
If this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. We-Vibe’s sexpert Silva Neves, a specialist psychosexual psychotherapist who appeared on the recent BBC3 series Sex on the Couch, has shared his top tips for boosting pleasure levels in the bedroom.
Here he tells FEMAIL why so many women struggle to reach climax – and why it’s so important that you NEVER fake it.
A marathon not a sprint: on average, it takes a woman 13 minutes and 25 seconds to reach the point of climax
‘Difficulty with orgasms is one of the top problems that women seek sex therapy for,’ Silva explains.
‘It is very common, yet, calling it a “problem to fix” is actually part of the block to orgasms.’ So, what is the solution?
Take the pressure off
‘Paradoxically, if you want to have better orgasms, you have to take the pressure off of yourself to achieve one,’ Silva says.
‘In other words, don’t make the orgasm your goal or the thing that must happen for you to qualify the sex act as “good sex”. Instead, make the goal be pleasure.
‘If your goal is pleasure-focused rather than orgasm-focused, your body will be in an arousal state that will be more ready for an orgasm.
‘Being focused on pleasure is about being curious about your body and your partner’s body.’
We-Vibe’s sexpert Silva Neves is a specialist psychosexual psychotherapist who appeared on the recent BBC3 series Sex on the Couch
Get to know your body VERY well
Silva recommends touching yourself in all areas of your body to get to know where your trigger points are.
‘The arms, legs, inner thighs, breasts, different parts of your vulva, clitoris, and so on,’ he says.
‘Get a foot massage or a head massage and be focused on how it feels. Being mindful of all the areas of your body will give you a sense of how pleasure happens for you.’
Make sure you’re comfortable
It sounds like a no brainer, but being in comfortable surroundings with a partner you trust is a big factor when it comes to sexual satisfaction.
Being in comfortable surroundings with a partner you trust is a big factor when it comes to sexual satisfaction
‘Pleasure is context dependent,’ Silva advises. ‘You need to be in a comfortable place, feeling safe and feeling good, whether you’re on your own or with a partner.’
Don’t be judgemental
It is easy to have judgemental thoughts about your body, but these negative waves will only hamper your orgasm potential.
‘Women can be labelled with horrific words if they are not sexual enough, or if they are “too sexual”, whatever that means,’ Silva says.
‘Stay grounded with your own sense of pleasure and sexuality, and move away from those judgemental thoughts.
‘Learn to love your body, touch yourself everywhere to learn your erogenous map, move away from the orgasm goal and be pleasure-centred instead.’
Silva recommends learning to love your body and touching yourself everywhere to learn your erogenous map
Engage your brain
Believe it or not, the brain is one of the most important sex organs.
‘Some women report having an orgasm with no body stimulations but by giving their sexual partner pleasure,’ Silva explains. ‘If it is a big turn-on, it can bring on an orgasm.
‘Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings when you become sexually aroused.
‘The brain being a major sex organ means that it can also turn you off.
‘Typically, if you believe that your body doesn’t look good naked, or you have some judgemental thoughts about your sexuality, these can turn you off and your body won’t be prepared for an orgasm.’
Be open to experimentation
While your partner may have no problems reaching climax, men can also experience different types of orgasm.
‘Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings when you become sexually aroused,’ Silva recommends
‘As you discover your G-spot, your partner can discover theirs,’ Silva explains.
‘Men can experience pleasure that is not on their penis. For example, stimulating the prostate can produce much pleasure.
‘If it is awkward to start with, there are good sex toys out there, such as the We-Vibe Vector, which is especially designed to reach the prostate and stimulate it effortlessly, which can help with such exploration.
‘Learning to use sex toys on each other can be part of great couple sexy fun.’
Don’t fake it
‘Don’t fake an orgasm to please your partner,’ Silva says.
‘If they think you like it, they will continue to do the same things. Be honest and kindly guide your partner into touching you as you want to be touched.
Silve recommends never faking an orgasm purely to please your partner. Pictured: Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally during the famous orgasm scene
‘Having sex with somebody is basically learning each other’s body map. Everybody’s different!’
Silva points out that many women report having ‘great sex’ without experiencing orgasms.
‘Orgasms are all different and they feel different,’ he says.
‘You may have orgasms from clitoral stimulation or vaginal stimulation. Some have orgasms with their breasts being touched or massaged.
‘Some experience greater orgasms when their feet are stimulated. Others like vaginal intercourse, though many women do not experience orgasms through intercourse.