It was a normal Thursday evening when Sarah* and her husband Guy* plonked themselves on their sofa after a day at work with a cup of tea each.

There was nothing extraordinary about this particular evening – their two teenagers were in their rooms and the TV was in the background.

The conversation turned to their sixteen-year-old son, who had just started dating a girl in his class. ‘We need to remind him of the birds and bees chat!’ laughed Sarah. ‘Weren’t you about his age when you lost your virginity to your girlfriend?’

There was silence before the words tumbled out.

‘I was 10. I was just a little kid. I was abused by a neighbour,’ said Guy. ‘I’m sorry. I have never told you.’

What happened next is between Guy and Sarah – who are both in their early 40s and work in education – but what I can tell you is that there was shock, sadness, tears and pain.

They had been together for 18 years. How could Guy have kept his secret from Sarah for so many years? How did Sarah not know this about her husband – and in what ways could she now support the man she loved?

In her former life as a high-class escort, journalist Amanda Goff (pictured) encountered many men who confessed to her they were sexually abused as children. It remains a taboo issue for men, who often go their entire lives without telling a soul what happened to them

In her former life as a high-class escort, journalist Amanda Goff (pictured) encountered many men who confessed to her they were sexually abused as children. It remains a taboo issue for men, who often go their entire lives without telling a soul what happened to them

If you think this is an uncommon scenario, think again.

Similar tales are all over TikTok, where women are encouraging each other to ask the men in their lives the same question: ‘When did you lose your virginity?’ The viral trend sheds light on the worrying number of men whose first sexual experience was abuse. In many cases, the men don’t even realise they were exploited.

The statistics on the exploitation of young boys in Australia are terrifying.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, one in six boys (and one in five girls) have been abused; and one in seven kids before the age of 18 will be targeted.

Adam Washbourne is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia) and runs the ‘Phoenix’ program where victim-survivors take part in what Adam describes as ’empowering’ activities like martial arts to help them heal from their trauma.

‘Statistically speaking, roughly four kids in every classroom in Australia are being abused,’ Adam, 43, tells me. ‘It’s happening right now in every street and in every suburb. Child abuse doesn’t discriminate, rich, poor, older, younger.’

Gone are the days of ‘perverts’ being dirty old men in trench coats, the creepy uncle or family friend, or the man with the ‘puppies’ in his van: paedophiles are grooming kids on the internet – they are infiltrating your living room, they are in your child’s bedroom.

‘These predators are coming straight into your house today,’ says Adam. ‘They’re invading your son’s computer games, when they’re playing Roblox or Fortnite. They can spot a vulnerable child a mile off. Don’t for one minute think because your son is in his bedroom, he’s safe. Vigilance and communication with your kids is key to stopping abusers.’

Adam Washbourne, 43, is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia). He warns that abuse is becoming more prevalent as social media and online video games make it easier than ever for predators to access children in their own bedrooms

Adam Washbourne, 43, is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia). He warns that abuse is becoming more prevalent as social media and online video games make it easier than ever for predators to access children in their own bedrooms

Adam Washbourne, 43, is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia). He warns that abuse is becoming more prevalent as social media and online video games make it easier than ever for predators to access children in their own bedrooms

Abused boys, of course, become adult men. Many of them keep their childhood trauma a shameful secret and shoulder the burden alone for the rest of their lives.

Tragically, I’ve had experience with this first-hand.

In my former life as the high-class escort Samantha X, men from all different backgrounds have confessed to me through tears their devastating secret – that they were groomed and abused at a young age, and they’ve spent decades trying to forget what happened to them.

Some men feel they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than those they love. While some tell their wives, my experience is that most fight their demons alone.

Let me tell you about John*, a banker now in his fifties, who told me he had been abused by a Catholic priest as a teenager.

He never told his (now ex) wife of 30 years because he ‘didn’t want to upset her’.

And Billy*, a construction worker in his forties, who had been groomed and abused for years by three older men, starting from the age of 12.

Both had never told a soul, both felt ashamed and ‘dirty’, and both had spent their lives questioning their sexuality, not to mention blaming themselves.

I weep for these men, and the many more who are unhappily married or unable to form healthy relationships because of what happened to them. Some, tragically, end their lives.

'Some men feel they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than the people they love,' writes Amanda (this is a stock photo posed by models)

'Some men feel they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than the people they love,' writes Amanda (this is a stock photo posed by models)

‘Some men feel they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than the people they love,’ writes Amanda (this is a stock photo posed by models)

Resources for victims

Speak to your GP to obtain a referral to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Disclose the abuse to a loved one

Speak with a lawyer for advice. ‘Speaking out will not only release them from the secret they have been keeping for eternity but will mostly likely result in another innocent child being saved,’ says Andrew.

Know that this was not your fault and there is nothing to be embarrassed about in coming forward.

Contact organisations like FACAA or SAMSN (Survivors & Mates Support Network)

  • Facaaus.org
  • Seawaycounselling.com.au
  • Websterslawyers.com.au
  • Samsn.org.au

Andrew Carpenter, senior associate for Webster Lawyers in South Australia, was once named ‘the man most hated by Australian child sex offenders’ by a newspaper for spearheading a campaign for a national sex offenders register. He has also pushed for offenders’ superannuation to be made accessible to their victims.

‘Talking about child sexual abuse is still such a taboo subject for men,’ Andrew tells me. ‘Despite sex offenders being universally despised, victim-survivors feel they will be judged or not believed, which is not the case.’

Women have movements like #MeToo, where they can speak out publicly about their abuse, but often men stay silent, terrified of being labelled as weak or even gay.

‘We feel a lot of guilt and shame that we let that happen to us, but nothing could be further from the truth,’ says Adam.

Men want to be seen as tough. They don’t talk about their feelings. They are supposed to be strong, and they certainly don’t ever want to make themselves vulnerable – a sentiment echoed by psychotherapist Julie Sweet of Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy.

‘Shame consistently emerges as a recurring theme in therapy,’ says Julie, a therapist of 12 years who worked closely with survivors of child sexual abuse for the Royal Commission.

It takes on average 22 years for men to speak out, she reveals.

‘The experience of abuse can be isolating, consuming and overwhelming. Shame and embarrassment, along with anger, repeatedly surface and impact relationships, work and family. In men, this often manifests as hypervigilance, reactivity, post-traumatic stress responses, emotional dysregulation, anxiety and depression.’

Julie has worked with men who have never disclosed their abuse to police, family, friends or their adult children. ‘Many have shared that disclosing their abuse would make them feel embarrassed and weak, fearing that their partners, family or friends’ perception of them would shift and their relationships would be impacted,’ she explains.

‘Some express concerns that their children might develop a fear of them, or that they in fact fear themselves.’

The trauma these men experienced as little boys has devastating effects later in life.

‘Men may experience a range of symptoms, including somatic symptoms (physical/body), avoidance or withdrawal, instability, dissociation, emotional dysregulation, disorders, maladaptive coping strategies (self-medication through alcohol and other drugs or gambling), and more,’ adds Julie.

So, as women, how can we help our brothers, friends, partners and husbands?

‘As men, we need women,’ Adam says. ‘Not just as partners but as support. If a man – not necessarily your partner – discloses to you that he was abused as a child, listen to him, let him speak, understand that disclosures are an evolving process so the exact details may not be 100 per cent the same as when he first spoke.’

And respond with love and non-judgement, adds Julie.

‘Actively listen without making assumptions. Allow your partner to share as he is ready. Ask questions from a place of empathy, not interrogation.’

She recommends using phrases like ‘I believe you’, ‘I’m so glad you shared with me’, and ‘tell me more.’

‘Men want to be heard, they want to be seen, and most importantly, they want to be believed.’

Gone are the days of sweeping uncomfortable topics under the carpet. Times are changing, and what used to be taboo topics decades ago are being widely discussed.

‘Twenty years ago, people didn’t talk about mental health, ten years ago people didn’t talk about suicide, five years ago people didn’t talk about domestic violence,’ Andrew tells me. 

‘It’s time we have uncomfortable conversations around uncomfortable topics to prevent future offending.’

***
Read more at DailyMail.co.uk