Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’s ultimate insight into the week’s soap

Take your partners, everyone, and join us on the dance floor for the Schedule Shake. Be prepared: the steps aren’t easy.

We know the soaps go all out for each other at Christmas in the competition for ratings, but for the rest of the time, ‘gentlemanly conduct’ is, for the most part, observed. Not any more. 

From this week, Corrie broadcasts Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8pm to 9pm (although this week there’s an extra episode tomorrow), while Emmerdale’s new slot of 7.30pm Monday to Friday pitches it against EastEnders, which now goes out Monday to Thursday. 

After seeing the ITV schedule change, the BBC decided to drop Friday’s EastEnders in favour of Wednesday – are you keeping up? The BBC claims it isn’t bothered by ITV, as EastEnders is one of their biggest iPlayer hits, with 285 million streams in 2021. Why the panic, then?

Abi (pictured) finds herself in agony on a country road after Dean leaves her abandoned in Coronation Street 

Facts and figures aside, in terms of drama it’s the battle of the serial killers, with EastEnders’ Gray, a violent abuser and murderer, against Emmerdale’s Meena, a torturer, pathological liar and killer with an overactive imagination. Let battle commence!

CORONATION STREET: BAD SCORE

Oh, not again, please. Abi’s relapsed once more and, high on drugs and alcohol, finds herself in agony on a country road when Dean, who’s stolen a car from Kevin’s, leaves her abandoned. Even an accident doesn’t stop Abi from trying to score more drugszzzzz (wake me up when it’s over).

These drug storylines smack (no pun intended) of desperation when there’s little else going on. Apart from Lydia terrorising Adam, everything’s rather flat at the moment. They’ve even shunted Craig off to the factory, so expect the crime rate to rocket now that he’s not lurking on every street corner, reading everyone their rights.

If this wasn’t thrilling enough, Michael wants to track down Grace (remember her? Me neither) to invite her to Glory’s birthday party. When he tells Ed and Aggie he’s stopped searching for Grace, Ed and Aggie are relieved. You and me both.

Come on, Corrie; the humour (always brilliant) is too inconsistent at the moment. At least Daisy appears to be revisiting psycho mode when she tries to put Nicky off the scent of Daniel. A case of that mouth ain’t big enough for the both of us?

EASTENDERS: OUTWHIT-ED AGAIN

Stacey and Kheerat share a passionate kiss, unaware that Whitney (pictured)  has spotted them in action in EastEnders

Nobody ever stays on the run for long in Walford; they’re lucky if they make it halfway round the block or through the turnstile at Walford East before a) they’re stopped by someone who wants them to stay b) they’re arrested by the cops or c) they turn back because they have some bizarre death wish.

Sure enough, Kheerat’s back, seemingly going for option c). But it surely won’t be long before b) comes into play because, as he explains, he’s wanted by the police and swears he’s leaving the Square for good. 

Alas, Stacey falls into his path and they share a passionate kiss and, even worse, Whitney spots him and again begs for his help in protecting Chelsea. Why bother? On the evidence so far, Kheerat couldn’t protect a mermaid in a fish stew.

Who’d listen to Whitney, anyway? Doesn’t she have a life outside of Gray and Chelsea? And between her red hair and pink puffer jacket, she looks like a walking wound. Who, other than a paramedic, will take her seriously?

The tedium of Bailey trying to get Karen and Mitch together drags on, with Bailey wanting just one last shot at proving to the pair how good they are for each other.

 The only thing that would be good for Karen is a combine harvester to sort out her hair, and an ear, nose and throat specialist to stop her from laughing like a hyena in the death throes of strangulation. What would be good for Mitch is jaw reconstruction to emit a smile.

EMMERDALE: SPUD U LIKE

Out of two events that clashed, which would you choose – the relaunch of The Woolpack or Liv and Vinny’s engagement do at the B&B? It’s like choosing between Alton Towers and the morgue. 

With the B&B (Morguesville) bash, Charity feels out in the cold – quite literally when someone turns on the sprinkler when she arrives at the village hall to have it out with Chas.

The highlight of their fight is Charity rubbing Lydia’s homemade potato salad in Chas’s face. Anything to shut her up is all right by me. Here’s a 5lb bag of Maris Pipers to help as one potato salad isn’t a tenth enough.

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